How to Be “Normal” With High-Functioning ASD
“Why can’t I be normal like everyone else?”
“What does normal mean anyway? Isn’t it just a social concept?”
“Why can’t people just accept me for who I am without me having to fake it?”
Since you’ve found this article, you’ve probably been struggling with the internal conflict of acting normal by masking the symptoms of your Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and just being yourself without feeling like an imposter. From a formerly socially awkward person who still struggles with the symptoms of ASD, I’m here to tell you that it’s possible to be normal in situations that require it without having to completely change who you are, and I wanted to outline just how you can do that in this article.
To give you some more context, I was diagnosed with ASD as a teenager, but my parents and I both knew something was a little off about my behavior and communication habits long before my diagnosis. For most of my childhood, teenage and young adult life, I didn’t understand why it was so difficult for me to just be like everyone else my age, and this was the cause of the severe social anxiety I developed going into high school, college, and even the early years of my career, and it had negative affects on my social life and mental health.
Needless to say, I’m no stranger to acting normal, so I wanted to write this article in the hopes that my thoughts on this subject matter can help you on your journey to becoming a “normal” neurodivergent.
The Importance of Being Normal (Sometimes)
The definition of normal is to conform to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. While the technical definition is simple enough, the context in which the word is used can sometimes be derogatory. In terms of people with ASD, it can be disheartening when your peers don’t view you as what’s considered socially normal, and for some, the concept of masking your natural personality to conform to social norms seems like a recipe for low self-esteem.
Here’s the good news:
Your unique personality, communication style, and thought patterns are important and have a place in society — it’s all about knowing when to switch it on and off for difference situations which is a difficult task for people with ASD.
As someone with ASD, you’re in the minority; the fact is most people in the world are neurotypical, meaning at some point or another, you will have to work with, talk to, and generally get along with people who have no idea why your communication style is so different than everyone else they interact with.
The truth is we can’t always expect others to understand our ways just like we may not understand their ways. Of course it’s important for you to have a core group of friends and family that do understand you and love you anyway, but there are some situations where it’s beneficial for you to be like everyone else as far as socialization goes.
What’s Normal Anyway?
Our understanding of normal is complicated when you consider that social norms are constantly changing and can differ based on what region you’re born into.
Before the early 20th century, it was abnormal and obscene for women to wear skirts that showed their knees. More than a century later, not so much.
In previous generations before social media and technology became popular, it was completely normal for people to socialize and meet people in everyday situations, like running to the grocery store, going for walk, being neighborly, etc. Now, it’s much more common for people to live their daily lives with the expectation — and for some of us, the hope — that no one will strike up a conversation with us while we’re out and about and that we can stay in our own little world.
So how can we even define what normal is when the rules are constantly changing?
While there may not be a static definition of what normal is, I think it’s more important for people with ASD to understand how to observe social cues to define what exactly normal is in specific settings. With this strategy, you’ll be able to socialize in a variety of settings with confidence, including casual gatherings, formal events, family-related events, holiday parties, etc.
The Key Aspects of Being Normal
For people with ASD, I think the most important concepts to learn are reading social cues, adapting to the environment at hand, and understanding the constants of communication. When you know how to read and understand social cues, theoretically you should be able to use that concept in a variety of environments to learn how you are expected to behave. Just as importantly, you should know the basic rules of communication that are common among most environments and cultures.
Learn How to Read Social Cues
When you know how to read and understand social cues, theoretically you should be able to use that skill in a variety of environments to observe others and learn how you are expected to behave.
For example, if you were to attend a funeral, you would be able to sense if the mood is more celebratory and peaceful in nature, or more morose and stiff by observing people’s body language, what’s being discussed, and whatnot. You would also be able to tell things like when people are uncomfortable, interested, happy, sad, displeased, etc. which are all give you clues about how people respond to your company and conversation.
Learn How to Adapt to the Situation at Hand
Being able to adapt to different social settings is another key aspect of being normal, and despite what you may think, it has nothing to do with faking a personality that isn’t yours.
For instance, the way you behave in a corporate work setting would be different than how you would behave at a summer BBQ party, and the way you behave in your friend’s wedding ceremony would be different than how you would behave at the wedding reception/afterparty.
Keep in mind that just because different events call for different behaviors, this doesn’t mean you are faking a personality; it means you are determining which aspects of your personality are appropriate to exhibit in the current situation, which is something everyone — neurotypical and neurodivergent — must learn to do in a society where people are expected to get along.
Learn the Constants of Communication
Some aspects of communication differ by culture, environment etc., but there are some basic rules of communication that everyone recognizes.
For instance, things like eye contact and use of facial expressions in a conversation are pretty universal, although the extent to which facial expressions are used in specific contexts may differ slightly. A smile is a universal symbol for happiness, warmth, openness, and things of that nature, while a frown generally suggests discomfort in a conversation.
If you need some more in-depth articles that will show you how to be normal, here are two relevant articles to start with:
What’s your experience with trying or rejecting the need to be normal with ASD? Let me know; I love hearing stories from readers like you!
