How to Nourish Relationships, the Soil for the Fruit of Life

Written By Caroline Smith

Today’s podcast explores how healthy relationships are the foundation to a fulfilling life, and how we can individually contribute to a better society by nourishing the relationships in our lives — one person at a time.

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Transcript:

Welcome to The Introverted Misfit Podcast with me, Caroline Smith, where we discuss topics related to the human experience of connection and communication with a slightly awkward, introverted twist.

Today’s podcast explores how healthy relationships are the foundation to a fulfilling life, and how we can individually contribute to a better society by nourishing the relationships in our lives.

For the past 4 or 5 years, I have been an avid composter and container gardener of potatoes.

The reason I chose container gardening is not because I don’t have room for an in-ground garden; the previous owners of my house actually installed a pretty sizable raised garden bed, but it’s essentially unusable because of the soil. It’s as hard as a rock, devoid of nutrients, hardly holds any water, and it’s very clumpy.

It’s terrible soil.

So, because I had already been composting for a year at that point, I decided to put it to good use and started to grow my own potatoes in containers using my compost and some organic fertilizer when needed.

What I learned from trying to grow these potatoes in the two vastly different types of soil is that soil is the foundation to everything. Every other condition could be perfect — 6-8 hours of sunlight with proper moisture — but if the soil is not right, nothing will grow. Or if it does grow, the fruit will be small, wimpy, and bitter.

The plant stalks will bend and break at the slightest blow of the wind because it didn’t have the proper nutrients to grow, and even worse, pests can smell the weaknesses in these plants and feed off what’s left, only to infect the perfectly healthy plants surrounding them.

Of course you can try to fix the issue with synthetic fertilizers, but all that does is provide a superficial fix while the foundational issues with the soil remained unaddressed.

So, as I was planting my red potatoes yesterday and sifting my compost, this got me thinking about what is the soil - the source of nourishment — for human life?

There’s the physical nourishment that we need to survive — food, water, sleep, sunshine — but beyond that, there are the essential elements of nonphysical nourishment on which we thrive — love, compassion, friends, family, belonging to community — all of those things that feed our mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.

I think the common denominator of those nonphysical elements is the quality of the relationships in our lives.

And when I say relationships, I don’t just mean romantic: that includes friendships, familial bonds, work relationships, any connection that you have with other humans.

Can you think of that one friend, family member, or coworker who you know is in an unhealthy relationship as we speak?

And how it seems like every other day, they are in a big blowout fight over who-knows-what, and they just keep repeating that same cycle of arguing, making up, and claiming to be on good terms again, only to then be fighting the next day? And it’s that same cycle over and over?

You, as the third party observer, can clearly see the negative impact that this relationships is having on the people within it. It’s making them stressed beyond measure, they dread coming home after work because of the chaotic relationship they are in, and sometimes the people within it are so downtrodden and desperate for peace that instead of working on the relationship, they will turn to external sources to cope: drugs, alcohol, affairs, food, shopping, anything to brush things under the rug.

Those are the synthetic fertilizers to their soil; those habits that don’t do anything for the relationship, but instead allow you to ignore those foundational issues while doing harm in the process.

Even if you consider the important aspects of your individual self, like self-worth, self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-confidence, the source of those things is the relationship that we experience when we first enter the world: our mother, or whoever is in charge of taking care of us in those formative years, which will determine the quality of our future relationship in adulthood.

So why is this the case? Why is it that the quality of our relationships is so impactful on our overall well-being?

It’s because being socially connected is wired into our brains, and it’s essential to our survival as humans.

We have a biological need to be connected with others.

According to research done by Stephen Braren, a PhD in developmental psychology, “Humans have evolved the basic need for social connection because it is vital to our survival. This need is rooted deep within us biologically, and we have even developed an evolutionary warning signal that tells us when our need for connection is not [being] met.”

His research finds that for thousands of years, our social connections have allowed us to work together to fend off predators, protect each other, help raise each other’s children, and promote survival.

But beyond behavior, the fact that humans have unusually large brains strongly suggests our need for social connection. He says that “Across animals, brain size is highly correlated with body size, but humans have incredibly large brains relative to our body size.

And why is this?

He goes on to say, “More recently, neuroscientists have used functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI, to better understand how our brain functions to support us socially. Researchers have found that there are two distinct brain networks that underlie social and non-social thinking. The respective brain network is activated depended on whether we are engaged in a social or nonsocial task. But what’s most interesting is what the brain does when we’re not engaged in anything. Evidently, when we finish doing something non-social, our social brain network turns back on almost instantly, like a reflex. Our brain’s default mode is social.”

“… And what’s more, our need for social connection is so important that we have evolved a signaling mechanism that lets us know when we need more of it. Loneliness is a vital warning signal that tells us when our basic human need for social connections is not met. Just like hunger and thirst are signals that we need food and water, loneliness signals that we need connection. And this signal is rooted deep within our brain.”

So because we are wired to put such heavy emphasis on social connections, it makes sense that having poor quality, emotional damaging and draining relationships can make us so miserable. It’s because the primary function that our brain wants to do — connect with people — is being prevented by poor social and emotional behavior.

I think there’s no better place to witness the importance of relationships than looking at a unit that is devoid of them, because when you’re in a relatively safe environment where people look out for each other, you can sometimes take your situation for granted, but when you can see up close the level of anger, betrayal, manipulation, selfishness, and emotional neglect that results when relationships are not being nourished, it gives you a different perspective on things.

If you’ve ever been in the presence of or involved in a really dysfunctional family dynamic, you know the feeling of tension that fills the air, and how every waking moment feels like you’re trying to hold your breath in hopes that you won’t trigger any chaos.

A brief glance feels like a dagger.

A slammed door makes your heart jump.

An insensitive, snarky comment makes your blood boil.

And the feeling of loneliness even when you’re in the presence of others just makes you put up walls and shut down entirely.

Even in the digital age of “social” media where we theoretically should be more connected than ever, we seem to be less connected in reality.

In a 2024 article written by Dr. Gregory Jantz, a mental health professional and best-selling author of more than 45 books, some pretty startling statistics are revealed:

Over half of Americans reported feeling lonely.

Around half of Americans report having fewer than 3 close confidants compared to 27% in 1990.

Rates of social connection have steadily declined since as early as the 1970’s, even before cell phones appeared.

In 2016, only 16% of people said they felt attached to the local community where they lived.

The reasons for these numbers are likely multivariate, but this begs the question, what quality of fruit — if any — can grow from soil like this?

What kind of children will result from the unions born from a disconnected and emotionally empty society?

What kind of community organization can happen with broken down people like this?

To what kind of therapists, health professionals, senior care givers, and teachers will we entrust our family members and ourselves?

How can we even begin to tackle a societal problem like this?

All that’s really left to do is replenish the soil that we have by improving the relationships in our own lives.

So how do we do that?

1. Do those small acts that show you care.

In an increasingly busy world where people have less and less time to connect with one another, it’s easy for us to get lost in all of those things that preoccupy us, mainly work, and the struggles that individuals face like self-doubt, self-esteem, bad breakups, financial troubles, car trouble, etc.

What I’ve found is that the one thing we absolutely can find time for is doing the small, simple acts for the family members and friends in our lives.

Things like saying happy birthday on a phone call instead of a text, expressing concern for people’s lives by asking meaningful questions, looking people in the eye while talking without distractions like your phone, taking the trash out for your partner or roommate if you notice that it is clearly getting full, saying a simple “I’m sorry,” if you know you’ve done something to hurt someone else, even if it was unintentional, and cooking a simple or not-so-simple meal for a friend.

If you’re anything like I used to be in my previous period of social anxiety, emotional unintelligence, and an overall relationship-devoid life, I used to underestimate how meaningful the simple things in life could be until I started to open up a little more and began to receive those simple acts of kindness from others.

I remember standing outside next to my container garden and showing my two year old niece how to plant potatoes, and up walks my next door neighbor with a small basket of freshly-picked blackberries from her front yard. She had said she was saving them in her fridge specifically for my niece and I because of how much I had mentioned my niece loved fruit. I remember thinking, “Wow! She really thought enough about us to save some black berries in her fridge!”

Those kind of small acts are how true communities are formed, because just by that interaction, we had a nice ten minute conversation while my niece stuffed her face with the berries, and I was so moved by her generosity that I made sure to give her my first batch of red potatoes that season.

And just like that, we’ve made a new connection!

2. Text less and talk more.

I think texting people instead of calling them is an unfortunate byproduct of an increased reliance on non-human interactions combined with our incredibly busy lives.

It seems like even for important discussions like mental health or catching up after not seeing someone for a while, or romantic topics, we rely on text-based communication, even though we all know that texting leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation.

If we don’t hear back from someone within a few hours or day, we start to wonder if we said something wrong that turned them off from the discussion.

If someone puts a period at the end of a sentence instead of an exclamation mark without using emojis, we think they’re subliminally trying to tell us they’re unhappy or unamused.

And some of us who are more anxious will spend the rest of the day thinking about where the conversation went wrong or whether they are overthinking things or not.

And why is that?

Well, like I was saying earlier in this episode, the human brain is biologically wired for in-person social interactions — not texting or DM-ing. We need to look in people’s eyes, take in their facial expressions and body language, and listen to the inflection and tone of their voice to get a sense of what they’re feeling: whether we offended them or not, whether they are uncomfortable with the topic or not, whether they think something you said is funny or not, or whether they are trying to end a conversation or want it to continue.

I’m not saying you need to call people instead of texting them for every little thing, but what I am saying is the next time you think about texting your friend, or sister, or brother, or significant other about something that is a little more serious, exciting, happy, or sad, consider calling them and talking for a bit so that there is more room for connection.

3. Put down your phone in other people’s presence.

When I was growing up, my dad would persistently enforce the rule of no phones allowed at the dinner table. Of course, as a kid and eventually a hormonal teenager, I always thought this rule was unfair and overkill, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that among all of my family’s busy lives with work, school, caring for aging parents, and everything else that was going on in our busy lives, dinner was the one 40-minute period where we were all together in the same place, and the only thing we had to worry about was eating and talking about what was going on with each other.

So instead of constantly looking at our phones, we would have to sit across from each other, look each other in the eye, and talk. For at least 40 minutes.

Looking back, that was a great opportunity for everyone to relax, take a deep breath for once, and really let each other know that we cared about what was going on in their lives.

I attended a funeral just a few weeks ago, and I counted at least 6 young adults who came in and sat down with their earphones in, for the entire service.

It was really bizarre to me that their parents would even allow them to do that, but even worse, what do you think that’s teaching them and the younger kids who are watching them about how to behave in a setting with a grieving family? What kind of connection can be made in such an intimate setting when you’re completely blocking off any opportunity for meaningful interactions?

So I implore you and all of your friends and family to put the phones aside, leave them in your pocket or in your purse, or in your room depending on where you’re eating, and be present with the people who are in front of you right now; ask them meaningful questions, let them know you share in their happiness and sadness, and just be there.

4. Pay attention to every day people.

If you’ve taken a recent trip to the grocery store, you’ve likely noticed the sheer amount of people who can’t seem to stop scrolling on their phones while they’re walking through the aisles.

It’s even common for people to go in public with headphones in, completely plugged into their phones and unplugged from the real world.

As someone who used to do these things, I think those behaviors in the public sphere are contributing to the lack of human connection that we are experiencing now more than ever.

I can recall a pretty pivotal moment in my life a few years ago when I was walking through the aisles of the store, repping my normal — and most times unintentional — “resting bitch” face with no thought behind it. This older man who was leisurely strolling down the same aisle as me, flashed a friendly smile, and said “Hi, how are you?” Now, to give you some context, at the time I was 22 year-old Gen-Z-er in the year 2020 when this happened, and if you know anything about Gen-Z, we do not talk to random people in public; it’s almost like an unwritten rule for my generation. I was a little taken aback, as if he had told me someone in my family had passed away, and very confusingly said, “Good…?” When he saw the look of confusion on my face and heard the questioning tone in my voice, he half jokingly and half seriously exclaimed, “Aren’tcha gonna ask me how I am?! It’s like nobody wants to smile anymore!”

That moment stuck with me for a long time.

Now at the time I’m recording this episode in 2024, I know there will likely be some people who say “That’s so misogynistic! Why would a man demand that you smile?!” and there will be others who think “People should really mind their own business,” but if I’m being honest with myself, I didn’t think either of those things; I genuinely thought he had a valid point, because after all, I couldn’t even remember the last I smiled at a stranger just to be nice.

So, after that moment, I made it a goal of mine to try and initiate small but meaningful social cues whenever appropriate instead of my usual avert-eye-contact-at-all-costs behavior. Here are a few ways I do that:

  • If I and another person are walking in opposite directions down the same grocery store aisle, I make eye contact, smile, and nod instead of looking straight ahead or staring at my phone.

  • If someone holds the door open for me, instead of a dry “Thanks” and a thin-lined smile, I smile with my teeth and say “Thank you!” with a little more vocal inflection.

  • If I’m going onto an elevator with one other person, instead of awkwardly pretending like they don’t exist and intentionally avoiding eye contact, I just smile and say “Hello.” It doesn’t even have to lead to a conversation; it’s just the fact that you thought enough to acknowledge they are in your presence.

  • If a toddler is trying to wave and smile at me, I’m going to smile and wave back instead of pretending like I don’t see them, and I’m going to take it a step further and acknowledge the parent or guardian that’s with them with a smile or even a small comment like, “She’s adorable!”

So the next time you’re out in public, pay attention to the every day people in your presence. You’d be surprised how good it will make you feel. If you happen to be an extreme introvert like me who struggles with social anxiety or social awkwardness, grab my free 6-step guide to small talk for introverts by clicking the link in the description.

That’s all for today’s episode. If you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review or comment if you’re watching on YouTube, and share this podcast with a friend. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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