Your Mindset Creates Your Reality, so Stop Actualizing Misery!

Written By Caroline Smith

What happens when you believe all of those miserable, untrue things you tell yourself? The things like, “I’m not worth more than what I have now.” “I don’t deserve things like respect, love, and relationships like everyone else has.” “I’m too quiet, quirky and weird to have friends.”

What happens is you create that very reality, because you do things every day that perpetuate those beliefs. You stay in miserable relationships way longer than you should because you don’t think you deserve more, you don’t make the kind of solid friendships that keep you motivated and energized, and you live a miserable life when you don’t even have to (most times)!

This week’s podcast episode is all about how to transform your mindset from one of doom and gloom to one of hope and abundance so that you can live a life worth living!

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Transcript:

Hello to all of you misfits who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast!

I have a question for you that you may or may not be ready to consider: Is your current mindset creating a life of abundance or misery?

Is it creating fruits like love, joy, peace, solid relationships, financial stability, and contentment, or rotten fruits like sadness, fear, bad relationships, and a “Woe is me” mentality?

There’s a popular quote said by someone named Lao Tzu that goes like this:

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

This concept is the topic of today’s podcast episode, specifically about how your thoughts can actualize in your life — for better or for worse.

The inspiration behind today’s podcast episode actually comes from someone else’s podcast/YouTube channel whom I regularly listen to.

Just like the typical Gen-Z woman who is trying to navigate this current modern dating scene, also known as the trenches, I oftentimes listen to the online relationships and dating coaches that are everywhere these days.

Some of them are terrible, in my opinion of course, but there are a handful whom I think are really worth listening to and taking advice from.

Actually let me rephrase that: If your intentions in dating are to find real love without all the games and manipulation and superficial thinking, then I think there are only a handful who you should listen to.

But if your intentions are to just “have fun” and play the field/play with people’s emotions for as long as you can by any means necessary, then maybe those other types of coaches who teach all the manipulative tactics are perfect for you. No shade.

I digress. One particular dating/relationship coach whom I believe gives very sound advice is someone named R.C. Blakes Jr.

His advice is mainly geared towards women who have been traumatized (for lack of a better word) after being involved in these very manipulative and emotionally abusive relationships, and he comes at it from a Biblical perspective which I appreciate as a Christian, but you do not have to be a practicing Christian to find value in what he preaches.

I promise, the message is good enough for anyone.

As you can imagine — or maybe you don’t have to imagine it because you’ve lived it — the women he counsels many times attract the same type of no-good men (or as I call them, low-down dirty dogs), over and over again, and as a result, they have a very skewed perception of men and relationships as a whole.

They make blanket statements like, “There are no good men out there,” or “All men are dogs.”

Well a few days ago from the time I’m putting together this episode, I was watching one of R.C. Blake’s videos in which he was explaining that if you actually believe those blanket statements — if you actually believe there are no good men or women out there — you’re probably not going to find a good man or woman.

Because this belief is making you move throughout the dating world as if there are no good partners.

You’re not even willing to give someone a chance who might actually be a good person because you’ve already convinced yourself that all men are bad.

Or, you end up giving the wrong men your precious time and energy that they do not deserve, because again, you believe that all men are like this, so you’re thinking this behavior is the best you can hope for.

And you settle for less than you deserve at your own expense.

Your beliefs and thoughts have in affect created this miserable reality.

Now this episode is not supposed to be all about dating and relationships, but it’s the inspiration behind the topic: The power that your mindset has to create your reality.

And, quick disclaimer, this episode is not meant to minimize things like serious mental health conditions that require more than a few mindset shifts. In other words, if this episode is for you, then it’s for you. If it isn’t, than it isn’t.

Your mind controls everything you think, do, and say.

If I want to reach and pick up a piece of trash that fell on the floor, my brain has to send the signals to my muscles that say, “Move your arm, grab the thing, pick it up, and put it in the trash.”

If you want to get a promotion at work, your brain has to say, “Hey, we need a promotion. Let’s do things to make that happen.”

“Let’s come up with some ideas, let’s work hard at, everything that goes into getting a promotion.”

The intention to do something has to be there first before you actually do it.

But the downside is this can work against you and your best interest.

Your mind could think, “You know what? I’m feeling lazy. I don’t want to do all of that reaching and grabbing just to throw something in the trash. Let’s just leave it on the floor.”

Or, it could think, “Maybe I don’t need that promotion. I’ll just keep doing what I’ve been doing,” or worse, “I’ll just slack off.”

Or this, “Maybe we don’t need to eat healthier and exercise like we’ve been saying we should. Let’s just keep eating fast food everyday and sitting on the couch.”

Moment of transparency, I have been guilty of all of those things, especially when it came to my self-confidence journey when I was still in the thick of social anxiety.

I would walk around telling myself, “Nobody likes me. Nobody wants to talk to me. Nobody wants to be my friend.” All of those types of untrue blanket statements.

And guess what I did as a result?

My actions reflected that low self-confidence and those false beliefs, and therefore people didn’t want to talk to me, because my behavior was so closed-off.

I was making myself invisible and as small as possible because I already believed no one saw me.

It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, which happens when you’ve already decided how something will turn out, and therefore your expectation affects your behavior causing those things to actually happen.

It’s like that story, “The Little Engine That Could”, probably one of my favorite childhood stories.

I have distinct memories of those hot summers in Georgia where I was born and raised, where I would help my dad grill chicken and ribs in the backyard.

I say I helped, but really I just stood beside him and did other things while he did everything.

And while we waited for the meat to cook, I would bring that book outside and ask him to read it to me a few times.

In this story, the little engine has to pull this big locomotive up a steep hill, and he has to keep telling himself, “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” over and over again.

And he eventually succeeds.

But can you imagine if that little engine said, “I don’t think I can.”

There would be no success story, and it would be a rather depressing story to read to children.

Why? Because the little engine would not have ever tried to get up the hill.

I mean, he already thinks he can’t do it, so what would be the point of trying?

Can you imagine reading a story like that to your kids?

“The little engine thought he couldn’t do it, and so he decided to give up before he even tried. The end.”

The danger of living your life in misery mode is that nothing in your life gets better — not because it can’t get better, but because you’re not doing things to actively make it better.

Why would you, if everything is destined to be miserable?

And sometimes, you’re not the only one who has to suffer through the misery mindset; it can impact your relationships, because it makes you not very fun to be around.

The hard truth is there is only so much complaining a person can tolerate before they stop wanting to be around you, and it’s not because they don’t care about you; it’s because complaining and moaning without doing anything to change your situation is draining — mentally and emotionally!

I know all of you listening right now can probably think of that one friend, family member, acquaintance, coworker, person in your life who seems to have a negative attitude about everything.

You’re trying to motivate them the best you can, you’re giving them all of the advice and words of encouragement , you’re even dishing out all the practical solutions you can think of, and they just have a negative remark about everything.

They are just dead set on sitting in their misery.

And maybe you can tolerate it for a while, but at some point, you realize there’s a wall there, and you’re not going to get through to them until they are open to listening to you and seeking to change their situation.

They don’t have the right mindset yet.

They are still stuck in misery mode.

They are not yet in let’s-improve-our-situation mode.

And you know what?

All of us at some point in our lives will be in misery mode, are currently in misery mode, or are coming out of misery mode — for good reason.

Maybe you just got out of a miserable relationship and you haven’t finished your healing phase yet.

Maybe you’re grieving the loss of someone in your life.

You’re allowed to live in that misery mode for a little while, but at some point, you’ve got to get on with your life.

You’ve got to pull yourself out of this dark spot so that you can enjoy life again, and that’s not going to happen when you’re mindset is still in misery mode.

When you’re believing that life will always be this dark and depressing and there’s no hope, you do things in your life that perpetuate misery;

You do things like stay locked inside your house every weekend instead of doing your hobbies or hanging out with a friend; or you go to an event only to sit by yourself in a corner all night long and avoid talking to people; or you don’t take care of your health because what’s the point if there’s no hope for things to get better?

So how do you get out of this mindset of misery?

Well if you’ve listened to my platform enough, you know I’m a big believer that confidence comes with action, and regarding this conversation about breaking out of misery mode, I think the healing and clarity come with action.

You may not be able to see the finish line right now from this woe-is-me perspective, but the more steps you take towards your goal, the closer it gets.

In other words, you might still have the misery mindset even while you’re taking action and making moves (when you first start), but the more steps you take, the more things you do, the more good people you surround yourself with, the better outcomes you get, and the more you start to see things can get better for you.

So maybe you just got out of your third toxic relationships in a row, and you’re trapped in this mindset of, “There are no good men or women out there,” a.k.a. the misery mindset.

But then you start changing how you show up in relationships.

You start setting boundaries for yourself and having standards and all of a sudden — well maybe not all of a sudden if I’m being realistic, but eventually — you start attracting the kind of people who respect you the same way you respect them.

And before you know it, you’ve broken out of misery mindset!

Maybe you’ve just been in a rut for a few months — or longer — and it seems like nothing is getting better. You’re not doing well at work, you’re not enjoying work like you used to, you’re not going to the gym and getting as much exercise as you need to.

You’re being very withdrawn and spending way too much time alone, not connecting with people.

Serious misery mode.

But then you decide to change some things.

You start back up on your hobbies, you start exercising more and going for walks, getting out of the house, hanging out with friends, and soon you’re getting out of misery mode.

Or maybe… you’re an introverted misfit who is living with the misery mindset that comes with being socially anxious and not having any friends. You’re in the misery of loneliness.

And your current mindset is probably telling you these types of thoughts:

“Nobody wants to be my friend. Why would they want to?”

“Nobody likes me.”

“Nobody wants to take me on a date.”

“Why would anyone want to be with me?”

“I’m too boring and quiet. Too quirky. Too weird.”

Well guess what happens when you tell yourself those things?

They actualize in your life and become your reality.

Because you’re probably doing things every day that are direct and indirect results of this mindset.

You’re not going places where you can meet people.

You’re avoiding people’s eye contact so they won’t talk to you.

You’re not trying new things and pursuing hobbies because you’re too worried about what people will think.

Basically, you’re doing everything you can do to make sure you stay miserable and lonely.

I want you to imagine what your life could look like after you’ve defeated the mindset of misery:

Instead of that other garbage that’s contaminating your mind, you’re walking into rooms thinking, “Someone out there will appreciate my personality.”

“There are other likeminded people who will appreciate my personality; I just haven’t found them yet.”

“There are people who will accept me for who I am; quiet, a little awkward at times, and all.”

And guess what tends to happen when you walk around with that kind of mindset?

Your behavior starts to change.

You start doing things that perpetuate those good thoughts.

You’re going to attend social events and instead of hiding and making yourself invisible, you will be more open to talking to people.

The way that I used to walk into rooms when I still struggled with my social confidence and overall self-confidence vs. how I walk into rooms now is a world of difference, and people in my life have told me how much different I am.

I used to walk into rooms with slumped shoulders, eyes glued to the ground, a very unhappy countenance, not even attempting to connect with people.

In fact, I went to church just yesterday, and I’m remembering back when I would go to church with my parents, and during the service there was a space for fellowship.

So during fellowship time, everyone would just say hi and exchange pleasantries with people around them, and I remember my nerves used to shoot up as that time got closer and closer, because I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

But when I started to change my mindset, things like that didn’t bother me anyone, and they don’t bother me anymore.

It all starts with your mindset, Introverted Misfit.

And you don’t have to know everything to start your journey to social confidence.

Sometimes you just need to take your first step and see where it goes.

Right now, you’re kind of like a car that won’t start: You need a jump start to get you going at first.

So we’ve got to get the jumper cables out and start you on your way out of misery mode and sitting in this stagnant state.

As a social confidence coach, I can be your jumper cable, as weird as that may sound.

If you’re in a place were you’re ready to escape the misery mindset of loneliness, or maybe you’ve already started to find your way out but you just need a little extra support and guidance to keep going, let’s connect and give your mindset the jump start it so desperately needs!

Book a free Connection Call with me today and we can talk about how to let go of that mindset that’s holding you back and keeping you lonely and scared of talking to people.

And the best part is, you don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not to do it. You don’t have to pretend to be extroverted, lively, charismatic, none of that. You can just be yourself, with a little bit of refining.

Check the link in the description for that link or go to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching to book your call today.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

Connect With Caroline:

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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If You Want to Stop Being a Social Outcast, Stop Trying to Be Perfect!