3 Key Mindsets to Overcome Social Anxiety
The three key mindsets that are crucial to overcoming social anxiety include understanding that social anxiety does not define you, learning from past social rejection but not letting it affect your future, and focusing more on others instead of always thinking of yourself.
If you suffer with crippling social anxiety like I once did, you know that the thought of overcoming it can seem like a near impossible task. You probably think it’s going to take loads of money for therapy, medicine, and other expensive treatments to get out of the dark pit of anxiety, but take it from someone who overcame — it doesn’t have to require all of that.
The truth from my perspective is that overcoming social anxiety is not going to be done all at once, but it just takes small practical mindset changes and real world experiences that occur over a period of time until you become comfortable enough to socialize.
In this article, I wanted to outline three of the most important mindset changes that helped me to overcome my own anxiety in social situations in hopes that it can help you, too.
1. Social Anxiety Does Not Have to Define You
The National Institute of Mental Health defines social anxiety as an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others. This fear can affect work, school, and other daily activities, and can make it hard to make and keep friends.
The causes of social anxiety are typically a combination of genetic and environmental factors, but is mostly caused by our environment. For instance, you might have a genetic predisposition to have a shyer personality, but environmental factors like being bullied or socially rejected by your peers in school can cause you to develop social anxiety.
The key to remember is that social anxiety in most cases is a response to your environment, so this means it is a behavioral response that can be unlearned with some help and practice. It is not the end all be all of your social life.
If you’re looking for more professional treatments for social anxiety, the NIH recommends seeking mental health professional such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or clinical social worker.
However, if you are looking for a self-ministered approach to curing social anxiety that helped me overcome my battles with socializing, just know that while this article is the start, it will take some time and life experience — but we all have to start somewhere!
2. Learn From the Past, but Leave It There
A lot of people suffer from social anxiety because of a variety of past negative social experiences. Most likely, those experiences happened in childhood or adolescence, which are very formative years for us; we are just yearning to be accepted by even just a few people so that we don’t feel like social outcasts.
I know it can be easy to let those past moments keep you from trying again, but you have to remember that time is something that you will never get back, so at some point you have to make the intentional decision to learn from the past, but to leave the past where it belongs and make the necessary changes today that will give you a better social life in the future.
No one else is going to do that for you.
Growing up with Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), it was very hard for me to pick up on social cues, and because of this, I found myself being so awkward to the point where others would just blatantly tell me “You’re being really weird.” Sometimes they blatantly ask me to not talk to them anymore.
Multiple and consistent moments like that were enough to send me into seclusion throughout the rest of my schooling years, barring one or two friends that I eventually met who were equally as “weird” as I was. I was that kid that sat at the lunch counter bar on the cafeteria perimeters by myself instead of at a round table with other students because I was just so afraid of socializing.
This behavior even continued past college into my first office job until one day in my early twenties, I got tired of sticking out like a sore thumb at social events, and as much as I loved my parents, I got tired of always having to rely on them for my social life because I was too afraid to go out and create relationships for myself.
I mean here I was still hung up on what someone said to me years ago, and they’ve most likely moved on with their lives. They’re not thinking of me at all.
Chances are if you’re reading this article, you’ve reached the point in your life where you’re tired of letting your past experiences of social rejection determine your future. The good news is as much as I agree that our past can greatly affect who we are and how we behave today, especially if it was particularly traumatic, you have the power to determine the future of your social life. It might not be easy, but it’s possible.
3. Stop Focusing So Much on Yourself
Social anxiety disorder stems from a hyperfocus on yourself, or rather how others may be perceiving you versus how people are actually perceiving you. So basically, it’s all about you!
You may be thinking “It’s my life - of course I’m going to think about myself most of time!” That’s certainly true to the extent that you have to keep yourself alive, make sure you’re fed and well-rested, and make sure your doing well for yourself in general, but when it comes to being social with others and existing in a community, it’s not all about you.
In fact, a recent study done by Thomas Ehring showed that despite the largely-held belief that mental health is the cause of rumination or negative self-thought, there is increasing evidence suggesting that rumination can actually develop and maintain psychopathology. In other words, constantly thinking about yourself in a negative light instead of getting out there and forming meaningful relationships with others that don’t involve thinking about yourself all the time can worsen your mental health.
No one is hyper focusing on all of those little things you’re so worried about because they have their own problems to worry about, so instead of worrying so much about people’s perception of you, focus on making others comfortable so that you can take your mind off yourself, and once you experience that your behavior elicits positive responses from others (in most cases), it gets easier and easier to socialize.
Does this scenario sounds familiar:
You’re walking down the street in your neighborhood and you turn the corner to see another person coming towards you.
You panic for no other reason than there is a person who might see you and want to interact with you, so your mind is flooded with thoughts like the following:
“Oh my Gosh! Did they see me?!”
“I hope to God they don’t try to talk to me!”
“If I say something will they sense my jitteriness?”
“I’d better just turn the other way.”
In response, you look down at the imaginary watch on your wrist pretending to check the time (because that seems natural, right?) and quickly turn in the other direction.
Or worse, you continue walking towards them, but decide to cross the street or avert eye contact as you pass them, just to avoid any possibility of a social interaction that could arise.
Of course you know in your own head that you did this not because of something the other person did, but because of your fear of socializing, but have you ever thought what the other person might be thinking?
“Did she just cross the street because of me?”
“Did I look too intimidating?” I certainly wasn’t trying to!”
“Am I so bad that she can’t even suffer through a simple ‘Hello’ or ‘Good morning?’”
Can you see how because of your hyperfocus on yourself, you might have made someone feel uncomfortable for no valid reason?
This can be applied to a lot of other scenarios, too. Say your social anxiety makes you speak very quietly and unintelligibly in everyday situations to the point where people have to ask you multiple times to repeat what you said.
Think about how annoying and laborious that makes it for people to socialize with you.
In most scenarios, you’re so focused on yourself that you don’t even think about how the other person may feel by your behavior.
Are you struggling with social anxiety? Feel free to let me know; I love connecting with readers like you!
