It’s Time to Stop Avoiding Conflict Because You’re Scared of It

Written By Caroline Smith

What do you call a world without conflict? Delusion; fantasy land; the land of unicorns and rainbows; whatever you call it, that place does not exist on earth.

Conflict is an unavoidable part of human relationships, which means that if you are one of those people who consistently tries to avoid conflict to keep the peace, I’m betting that you are not getting what you want out of life.

You’re not getting the relationships you want, and even when you do manage to create relationships, they fizzle out or remain stagnant because you’re afraid to ask those tough questions and have those difficult conversations.

In this episode, I want to offer you a better, less scary outlook on conflict than what you currently have, so that you can see just how much addressing conflict can strengthen your personal and professional relationships (and maybe even end relationships that are not serving you).

Here’s what I talk about:

  • How avoiding conflict is not getting your needs and wants met in relationships

  • How conflict-avoidance is making your relationships and your life in general remain stagnant with little to no progress

  • How avoiding conflict causes confusion and resentment

  • How to shift your perspective around conflict from a negative view to a positive view

  • How to face your fear of conflict by starting with small, low-risk disagreements

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Transcript:

Hello to all of you introverted misfits who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

This episode is for those of you who tend to avoid conflict at all costs;

Who freak out at the idea of having a basic disagreement with someone because you are convinced that they won’t like you if you simply have a different opinion than they do;

Who think that a normal confrontation from someone else or from you means that the relationships will be over;

Who are afraid to say no assertively to people because you don’t want to disappoint them.

I want to offer you a better, less scary outlook on conflict than what you currently have, so that you can experience stronger and better friendships and relationships moving forward.

In an ideal world, everyone would get along.

There would be no fighting, no heartbreak, no disagreements, and no tension of any serious degree.

We would live in a utopia with unicorns and rainbows where nothing ever went wrong in our relationships.

There would be no need to avoid conflict because it doesn’t exist!

Can you imagine that?

Well that, misfits, is what I like to call fantasy land: a place that does not exist on earth. Maybe in heaven, but not here on earth.

This big complex organ that everyone has called a brain is different for every single one of is.

It makes us have different opinions, come to different conclusions, think and believe differently, make decisions, react to situations and environments differently, and most significantly create survival techniques that will keep us as safe and happy as possible.

That means it is nearly impossible for people to live in a society that is completely free of conflict.

That’s a pipe dream.

But back when I still had social anxiety, I didn’t understand this concept.

Don’t get me wrong — I had and still have my moments when I lash out or argue, especially if I’m overstimulated, but generally I would avoid conflict as much as possible by keeping things to myself, in true introvert fashion.

And now, many years later, I realize just how impractical and unproductive this idea of avoiding conflict at all costs really was.

Why was it so impractical and unproductive?

1. Your needs don’t get met because you don’t advocate for yourself.

And why don’t you advocate for yourself?

Because that would require some sort of confrontation, even if it’s just a small one and a completely reasonable one.

And confrontation may lead to what?

Conflict; the one thing you keep trying to avoid.

Conflict is just too scary.

Have you ever had a significant other, or a roommate, or a friend, or a coworker, or someone who you interact with on a consistent basis, and they keep doing or saying this one thing that makes you mad or upset or annoyed?

But you’re too nervous to ask them about it, so you just hold onto to those unmet needs.

And all of those unhappy, unresolved feelings are just festering and building up inside of you.

And in many cases, other people have no problem bringing things to your attention and confronting you about their needs and requests which is well within their right to do, but for some reason, you don’t feel like you have that same right.

You feel like the other person is not going to like you or that you’re being too demanding.

And this doesn’t only apply to relationships; this applies to everyday social interactions.

You may be afraid to tell the waiter or waitress that your order is wrong .

You’re afraid to tell the salesperson on the phone that you do not want to purchase all of those upcharges and sales they are always trying to push.

In fact, I distinctly remember a door-to-door salesmen trying to sell me some kind of cleaning solution, and almost immediately, I had the sense that it was an iffy operation, so I let him give his sales pitch and everything but I initially declined his offer.

But of course, he was very persistent and he already knew I was a single woman living alone because I stupidly told him that when he had asked me earlier, so he resorts to pulling on the heartstrings to get me to say yes.

Eventually, I gave in and said I would purchase one bottle of cleaning solution.

But when I tried to Cash App him or his boss or whoever it was that was running this operation, I get this pop-up notification in the app that says, “This person had been identified as scamming people in the past,” or something along those lines.

So basically, because I was to afraid to say a definitive and assertive, “No,” I was about to get scammed out of some money.

And the thing is he was really nice and there were other neighbors outside when he came to my door so I was pretty sure he would not have caused any trouble if I had just said no, but even just the possibility of disappointing him — some random man that I didn’t even know — causing conflict, made me uncomfortable enough to say yes to something that I didn’t want or need.

The other aspect of not getting your needs met and not advocation for yourself is letting people walk all over you.

Not only are your needs not getting met, but they are getting spit on and trampled all over.

As soon as the wrong type of people learn that you are not going to set boundaries and stand up for yourself, you are in a dangerous place.

People will push your boundaries and disrespect you just because they know they can: in business and in your personal life.

It was Zora Neale Hurston who said it best that, “If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

People will convince you to settle for things you would usually never settle for when your afraid to address the things that need to be addressed.

We all know those people who who are in those relationships — not just romantic relationships, maybe platonic or otherwise — in which the person is literally getting treated like a doormat.

It might not be an extreme case, but it’s just very clear that someone is tolerating a lot of disrespect.

And they’re trying to keep the peace by dancing around the issues and just putting up with it.

They’re willing to keep the peace at the expense of their own peace.

Not a good deal.

2. Things stagnate and don’t progress.

The other problem with being conflict-averse is that things don’t progress; they stagnate.

I don’t know if you watch SNL or not, but I do watch some of the skits that peak my interest and there’s one skit called, “People Pleaser Support Group.”

It is hilarious. It has to be my second-favorite skit next to the Sean Spicer one that Melissa McCarthy did.

The gist of the skit was basically poking fun at extreme people pleasers who are terrified of having conflict with anyone.

So the leader of the support group asks for two members to role play an employee who asks her boss for a raise, but because both of them are terrified of hurting the other person’s feelings, it turns into this competition of who-can-spare-the-other-person-the-most.

Because of this, the employee gets the ultimate pay decrease of losing their job and the boss also loses his job because he didn’t want to hurt the employee’s feelings.

And then at the end they say The People Pleaser’s Prayer of Deference:

God, grant me the serenity to say, “No,” but if you’re too busy with Heaven, then no worries. A-men, or Ah-men - whichever you prefer.

Which I thought was hilarious because it’s so true.

Now the SNL skit is obviously an exaggerated case of conflict avoidance, or maybe it’s not depending on how conflict-averse you are, but the point of the skit was to show how unproductive or counterproductive avoiding conflict can be.

When everyone is so afraid to rock the boat, nothing productive gets done.

Have you ever been in a team meeting where there is a clear issue that needs to be called out and everyone likely knows it, but everyone just dances around saying what it is, so when the meeting is over no real change or decisions have been made?

That’s what happens when people are afraid of saying what needs to be said.

The same thing goes for personal relationships: boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, parents, children, friends, or otherwise.

Relationships will get stale or they’ll fizzle out when you don’t address the important issues.

In fact, my eldest sister and I once went 6 entire months without talking to each other while we were living in the same house, all because both of us — mostly me — tend to be conflict avoidant.

And ladies, I know y’all have been there with a man who is just stringing you along, and eventually you confront him with that age-old question, “What are we? Where are we going?”

The conflict that may arise from that question may be temporarily uncomfortable, but it’s important why?

Because if you never ask, you’ll keep getting strung along with no commitment in sight.

Not good! Especially if you happen to be one of those women who wants to try for children.

Addressing things head-on — when the time is appropriate of course — clears things up for you and others so that you know how to move forward and make progress.

3. A lack of confrontation causes confusion and resentment.

When there is no communication about things that are making you unhappy or things that need to change, confusion persists.

A lack of communication will always lead to confusion with very few exceptions.

You’re unhappy, but you don’t want to rock the boat by bringing it up.

So, naturally, your resentment grows and starts to show up in other indirect ways; maybe the silent treatment, short responses that make you sound bitter, slammed doors, eye rolls, anything relevant to the nature of this relationship.

Then, the other person is confused, because they don’t know why you’re mad — after all, they can’t read your mind.

And their confusion may lead to them asking what’s wrong, but if they don’t care to ask, it’s just going to lead to more problems and confusion down the line.

This confusion and growing resentment could’ve been prevented by what? Addressing the conflict in the first place before it gets out of control.

Addressing what needs to be addressed keeps the small, manageable campfires from growing into bigger forest fires.

So now we’ve covered the problems that can happen with leading a conflict-averse life, but what if you are one of those people who is still really uncomfortable with the thought of conflicts, confrontations, and disagreements?

Let’s start by shifting your perspective around conflict.

See, right now, you are thinking of conflict and confrontation as this awful thing that should be avoided at all costs, and honestly there is some truth to that.

Afterall, if you have the kind of relationships that are just filled with conflict and fighting — more conflict than there is love and affection and comradery —- that’s obviously very unhealthy, and that is not at all what this episode is about.

This advice is for those of you who have such a fearful relationship with conflict that you never address anything.

Instead of thinking of conflict as a mess that needs to be avoided, think of it as a mess that needs to be cleaned up before it gets worse.

You know that sink full of dirty dishes after dinner that is only going to get worse if everyone keeps avoiding it?

At some point, someone has to stop walking past it and stop adding more dishes to the sink, and just wash the dishes.

The same goes for laundry: the more you avoid folding the clothes that come out of the dryer, the more it piles up and gets all wrinkled and it just adds to the clutter and disorganization.

Ask me how I know.

Addressing the issues is the only way to make things better.

And if you let it get too out of control, you have to spend an entire day or weekend cleaning up what you’ve been ignoring.

Plus — and not to extend this metaphor past it’s usefulness — but what do we know about chores and messes?

They are unavoidable.

At some point, you’ll have to do the dishes, sweep and vacuum, clean your bathroom, dust, do laundry, etc.

That’s how conflict is — unavoidable, it’s going to happen at some point, and it needs to be addressed before it gets out of hand.

What I’ve also learned is that constantly avoiding conflict doesn’t help other people, either.

When you don’t tell people the truth by confronting them about their behavior, you are contributing to the hinderance of their personal growth journey.

Depending on how dire the situation is, I would go as far as to say you are robbing them of an opportunity for personal growth and self-improvement.

The more you enable people’s behavior by not confronting them, the more they are going to think it’s OK.

And if everyone in their life is too afraid to confront them, then they’re going to keep getting fired from jobs, or denied pay raises, or having failing relationships and friendships because no one is willing to tell them what they need to fix.

They don’t even get a chance to self-reflect and improve because as far as they know, they’re behavior is OK.

Nobody is checking them on it.

It’s like those toxic boy moms — not the regular boy moms, because I know a few in my life who are great and have raised really outstanding men — the toxic ones who are basically in love with their sons to the point where they can do no wrong, and they just keep making excuses for their sons behavior even when it’s clearly wrong, and then they become grown men who don’t understand why they can’t keep a girlfriend or wife, or they just can’t stay out of trouble and they keep making really bad decisions.

Because they have been robbed of their personal growth by being surrounded by people who don’t tell them the truth about themselves.

Just a few days ago, I was watching this episode of 48 Hours, which is a true crime series, and there was this man who had locked a tied up a woman in this shed in his backyard, and was doing terrible things to her (I won’t say the word because this is a PG-rated podcast).

And eventually he killed her.

I kid you not: In the interview with his mom, she literally had every excuse in the book as to why he did these crimes to this woman.

She went to the grave making excuses for her son. Literally — she passed away before he went to trial.

Now that’s an extreme case, but what I’m trying to say is that people can’t change and improve if they don’t know they are wrong, and they can’t know they are wrong if you don’t confront them about their behavior.

By the way, I’m not saying anything that doesn’t apply to me; I’ve definitely had some times in my life where people have had to confront me about my behavior.

If you’re interested, I talked all about how self-reflection is not done in a vacuum in my earlier podcast episode, Self-Reflection: How to Have Tough Conversations With Yourself. Make sure to check that one out after this episode is done.

So that’s the shift in perspective you need in order to start looking at conflict as something that needs to be addressed instead of overlooked and avoided, but now how do we actually fix the problem?

How do we stop being scared of conflict?

You guessed it: by taking action and facing our fears bit by bit.

If you’re a regular listener of my podcast, you know that I’m a big proponent of using small, consistent actions to achieve your goals.

So, you need to find opportunities to disagree and have a healthy discourse with someone so that you can teach your nervous system that conflict is not the end of the world; it’s not life or death.

And that does not mean you need to go out of your way to start conflicts just for the sake of it, but just start having conversations with people and the disagreements are bound to happen.

Find an opportunity to politely disagree with someone about their favorite sports team or musical taste.

The next time someone gets your order wrong at a restaurant, just politely tell the waiter or waitress.

You need to start desensitizing yourself to basic conflicts, and that’s not going to happen if you keep avoiding them.

You know just this past weekend, I was having lunch with a friend at a Greek restaurant, and she offered me some chips and hummus from her plate, but I’m not a big fan of hummus, so I just politely told her that and said thanks anyway.

Would you believe me if I told you that years ago when I still had social anxiety, I would’ve been nervous about even something small like that?

Just by politely declining something, I thought the person wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore.

But now, things like that don’t scare me anymore, and it’s because I’ve done the work to improve my social confidence, including my relationship with conflicts and disagreements.

I’ve even come to realize that conflict in conversations makes things interesting.

A conversation without any kind of conflict or tension is a conversation that lacks depth, in my opinion.

When I say tension, that doesn’t mean you have to disagree or be fighting about something all of the time, but it just means asking challenging and probing questions when you don’t understand something or when you are trying to understand the other person’s perspective better.

When I still had social anxiety, I remember I used to nod along to the things people would say even if I didn’t hear what they said or I didn’t understand what they said.

I would just pretend like I heard them and knew what they were talking about because I was terrified of the idea of conflict or tension arising.

And that literally made conversations boring and superficial, because we couldn’t delve deeper into the topics we were discussing.

It was basically just small talk except with way too much emphasis on “small”, because the conversation would end quickly since there was no real discourse or discussion.

So even though I’m an introvert who appreciates deep discussions and deep thought, and I’m an autistic person who likes to ask challenging questions, I couldn’t really engage in any real discussions like that because of my fear of conflict.

I mean I could have challenging discussions with my parents and my sisters, but not anyone else who I wanted to connect with, which was very restrictive.

Now that I’ve done the inner work and had some more life experience, conflicts are a lot less scary and threatening to me, and therefore, I’m not constantly overthinking what to say next and how to avoid making people upset just by simply disagreeing with them.

And that is exactly the kind of life I want you to have if you still struggle with conflict.

If you’re one of those shy and awkward introverted misfits who finds yourself mindlessly nodding along to everything anyone says, even if you don’t agree, because you’re afraid of disagreeing with someone;

If your needs are constantly getting overlooked in relationships because you’re too afraid to speak up and tell people your needs and expectations;

If your friendships, romantic relationships, or even your career is remaining stagnant and not progressing anywhere because you are avoiding asking the tough questions and having those uncomfortable conversations;

I’m here to tell you right now, the first step towards getting comfortable with conflict is getting over that shyness and lack of self-confidence that you have.

Right now, your sense of self-worth as someone who struggles with social confidence, might be so low that you believe you are disposable, so much so that if you raise your voice and advocate for yourself and your needs, people will just toss you aside.

That is no way to live, misfit.

Let’s get you started on your journey to becoming a socially confident introvert together, so that you can engage in normal discourse and conflict without fear.

Go to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching or check the link in the description to book your free connection call with me, so that we can talk about how my program, Communicate With Quiet Confidence, can help you become socially confident without having to act like someone you’re not.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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