Who Taught You to Be Afraid of Your Voice (Your Most Powerful Tool)?

Written By Caroline Smith

Your voice is one of your most intrinsically valuable attributes as a human, and yet you're treating it like it's something to hide and be ashamed of.

Your voice allows you to connect and communicate; to form and maintain relationships; to move forward in your career and make more money; to advocate for yourself; and more, but for some reason you just can’t build up the courage to speak up and let people hear it.

Well, the good news is that just how you learned to be afraid of it, you can learn to embrace it!

In this episode, I’ll reveal the real reason you are so afraid of using your own voice, and I’ll explain my 3-step blueprint you can follow to start using your voice with confidence.

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Transcript:

Hello to all of you introverted misfits who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

Have you ever been afraid to use your own voice?

Or are you still afraid to use your own voice in everyday life?

You know — that thing that most every human was intrinsically born with that’s supposed to be this really valuable tool for connection and communication;

That thing that gives us the power to start relationships, maintain relationships, fix and end relationships, share your ideas and opinions, negotiate salaries and move forward in your career.

Even if people who don’t have an audible way of using their voice have alternative ways to communicate with others.

That is what you are so scared of sharing with the world?

You’re treating your voice like it’s something that no one should ever hear or know about.

Remember when you were a teenager and your mom invited guests over and she would close the door to you and your siblings’ messy rooms so that no one would see it?

Or, your deepest darkest secrets that you don’t want anyone to ever know about?

That is what you’re treating something as precious as your voice like, when in reality, it is one of your most intrinsically valuable tools as a human.

The reason you’re so afraid of it, is because someone, something, or some situation, has taught you to be afraid of it.

It could be those bullies from your childhood who kept picking at your insecurities.

It could be your own family — your parents or your siblings — who kept telling you to “Be quiet; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

It could’ve been that one teacher in 6th grade who was being really nitpicky about the way you read that passage in front of the class.

Whoever or whatever it was, you are now walking around too afraid to speak up in group settings because you’re convinced everyone will think your ideas;

You’re afraid to start a simple conversation with your neighbor or your co-worker;

You’re afraid to go on a date;

You’re afraid to speak up an advocate for yourself;

You’re scared to set reasonable boundaries for yourself, and in turn people are more likely to walk all over you.

The good news is that just like you learned to be afraid of your voice, you can learn to love it and embrace it.

That is the goal of today’s podcast episode: To help you stop trying to hide your voice and learn how to use it with confidence everyday.

I want to start by telling you a true story about a girl who let bullies convince her that she was saying her own name wrong.

She was an extremely shy, sort of awkward little girl who didn’t have many friends.

And if she did manage to make acquaintances, they didn’t tend to stick around for very long.

She was a pretty good student academically, but not socially.

There were a few instances in her middle schools years in which this little girl was asked the question, “What’s your name?”

And when she would reply with her name, there was a particular band of bullies who thought it would be funny to mock the way that she said her name;

They would exaggerate certain syllables with this really clownish accent.

This little joke, although it only happened a few times, was enough to contribute among other things towards years of psychological damage.

You see, from that point on, this little girl was really nervous about — or dare I say scared of — saying her own name in front of people, even if it was just one person.

Every time she would muster up the courage to say her name, she would get these flashbacks from how those bullies would mock how it sounded, and she kept anticipating that people were just waiting for her to say it so that they could laugh at it.

That little girl…was me.

And by the way, that shyness was actually social anxiety, and that social awkwardness was actually Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD), but that’s a different story for another episode.

I had somehow let other kids convince me that I was saying my own name — my name — wrong, or weird, and I became terrified hearing myself say it and consequently letting other people hear me say it.

I had become afraid of my own voice.

I was the one in the team meetings at work who could barely speak above a whisper.

I was always thinking that people were judging me, my voice, what I was wearing, you name it;

And that insecurity and lack of self-confidence was showing up in every social interaction I engaged in.

I’m betting you might be in a similar predicament as I used to be if you’re still listening to this episode — even if your situation is not as extreme as mine was.

So now, I want to give you a blueprint — not the only blueprint, but a blueprint — on how you can learn how to embrace your voice after it’s been silenced for so long.

1. The people trying to silence you likely had issues of their own and were just taking it out on you — it wasn’t your fault.

I want to cover this question that often comes up about why people felt the need to silence you.

Because I get it — when people, kids, whoever, are picking at you or rejecting and dismissing you, it can really make you believe that you did something to deserve it, or that something is innately wrong with you.

You’re thinking, “Of course no one wants to hear my voice; it’s too awkward-sounding; it’s too stupid-sounding; it’s too deep; it’s too high-pitched and squeaky; it’s too monotone; it’s just not good enough, because they [whoever they is] told me so.”

Well, I’m here to tell you; There is nothing inherently wrong with you that makes you unlikeable or unlovable.

That’s the truth.

“Well, if that’s true, then why would people try to silence me and make fun of me?”

Here’s why (in my opinion and based on my observation):

They have their own issues, much deeper than you probably know, and they are taking it out on you.

Nobody goes out of their way to be a bully unless they are insecure with themselves; it’s one thing to exclude someone because you just don’t want to talk to them, but to go out of your way to be a bully?

That’s a completely different story, and they are very unhappy with themselves.

I go into much more detail about that topic in my earlier episode titled, How to Deal with Adult Bullies Without Losing Your Sanity, which you should listen to when you’re done with this episode.

The way people treat others is usually a reflection of their own issues, insecurities, and character, and it does not necessarily mean that you did something to deserve it.

As my dad always tells me, “Some people are just mean to be mean.” Just because they can be.

And you are a very convenient target for them, because they know you won’t stand up for yourself.

Let’s take yourself out of the picture for a second, because sometimes it’s easier to make sense of our own situation when we get an outside look at a similar situation.

If you saw a little boy or girl on the playground who decided to sit on the bend and read a book at recess instead of playing sports with the other kids and these other kids decided to make fun of this kid and his book, would you blame the kid who’s reading for the bullies’ behavior?

Would you say the kid deserved it because he decided to read instead of play kickball or football, or whatever?

Of course not! That would be ridiculous.

So you need to exercise that same grace with yourself.

Remember, their behavior is not about you; it’s about them.

It’s not a statement of your character, but of theirs.

2. Your voice is just as intrinsically valuable as anyone else’s.

No more or less valuable — just as valuable.

And I use the word “intrinsically” very purposefully, because there will be some situations where you feel like your voice isn’t being as valued as much as other voices in the room.

I mean that’s just life.

There’s always going to be someone who shuts down your ideas, tells you to be quiet, doesn’t think you deserve to have your say, etc.

But, you have to know that it does matter innately.

Those people who you envy or who may be trying to make your voice seem like it doesn’t matter, here’s a secret for you: They are just people.

I’m sure you’ve seen or at least heard of the movie The Wizard of Oz — or if you grew up in a black American family like I did you probably watched The Wiz with Michael Jackson and Diana Ross, and there is this character referred to as The Great and Powerful Oz who everybody worships and thinks is so much more powerful than everyone else.

He’s so important that no one can even talk to him directly unless he invites you to talk to him.

Well at one point towards the end of the movie, we find out that this big, magical, almighty Oz that takes the form of this giant talking head is all smoke and mirrors.

He’s a fraud.

Behind this booming, commanding voice was an ordinary man who was the exact opposite of what he portrayed with this Oz character.

In reality, he was no more of less of a person than anyone else.

So what I want you to understand is that those people who tried to silence you or who are still trying to silence you, are just people.

I remember looking back on some of my former bullies from middle school and I promise you, it is very clear to me now that they had a lot of issues going on that had nothing to do with me.

I’ll just put it that way; some of them have issues that only God can fix.

And now that I look at them, I almost can’t believe I was scared of them and that I let their mean words get to me so much.

In fact, I think that I’ve just become so secure in myself since my childhood that it’s easier for me to look at their situation with a lot empathy, because I understand just how unhappy they were to go out of their way and say those mean things to me.

But that’s a different story.

The point is whoever it was that bullied you and made you feel like your voice didn’t matter, they are not God; they are just regular people.

It doesn’t matter how attractive they are, how much money they have, or how popular they are; their voices are no more valuable than yours is.

3. You are never going to stop being afraid of your voice if you keep hiding it.

Does this scenario sound familiar?

You’re in some sort of group setting or social setting.

It could be a holiday party, a team meeting at work, it could be some small talk with that person you see walking towards you on your favorite walking trail, it could be a cooking class or whatever you like to attend.

You really want to say something, contribute your thoughts, or start a conversation, but your fears get the best of you, and you start to hear that same voice again that keeps showing up.

It says, “Keep quiet. They don’t want to hear what you have to say. They’re going to ignore you or laugh at you.”

And so what do you do? You listen and you don’t say anything even though you really want to.

And that becomes a pattern of avoiding social interactions and social events which is just keeping you in that same cycle of fear and avoidance.

You’re not improving like you want to, and you are still afraid of your voice.

The only way to escape that cycle is to face your fears.

I want you to imagine that instead of those fears talking and controlling your every move, another voice is talking.

Instead of telling you to keep quiet, this voice is saying, “You can do it. Say what you want to say! Your voice matters just as much as theirs.”

Instead of cringing every time you have to call someone on the phone, you can carry on a conversation without feeling nervous.

Instead of backing down the next time someone crosses your boundaries or just letting them continue to disrespect you, you are able to stand up for yourself without feeling bad about it; without feeling like you’re being too demanding or mean.

Instead of constantly avoiding that next social gathering you really want to go to, you get dressed and you go out without even giving it a second thought.

You can even go on a date with someone and it will be no big deal!

In these scenarios, your confidence is leading the way and you are able to use your voice without fear:

Without fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, or fear of judgement.

That’s what happens when you stop hiding your voice and start taking those little opportunities to speak up, so that you can gain that confidence.

So today, I want to challenge you to take your first step the next time you find an opportunity to use your voice even if it’s a small one., and face your fears.

And I know for introverts, it can be especially hard for us to seek those opportunities because we really like our alone time and we don’t always have the motivation to change, but as I’m sure you already know, even introverts have to use their voice and need human connection — it’s just a little different than the type of socialization that an extrovert might enjoy, but it’s no less important for us.

So if you are a shy, awkward introvert who needs some help with that, you can book your free connection call with me by clicking the link in the description and the show notes, or you can go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching to learn more about my 1-on-1 program, Communicate With Quiet Confidence.

Let that be your first step towards learning to embrace your voice — it’s free, it’s just 30 minutes, and it’s a very low-risk scenario.

It’s just a conversation with me, someone who has been exactly where you are right now.

In fact, I once had someone reach out to me on my Instagram to learn more about working with me, and they were so nervous and scared of their voice that they couldn’t even schedule that first free call with me just to talk.

And that made me very sad for them, not because I lost the sale, but because there is no telling how long their shyness is going to hold them back in life all because they are so nervous about taking that first step.

So if that’s the case with you, I really encourage you to schedule that connection call with me if for nothing else than to take your first step towards becoming a socially confident version of yourself.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

Connect With Caroline:

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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