Overcoming Your Jealousy of Extroverts as a Shy, Awkward Introvert

Written By Caroline Smith

Are you jealous of extroverts? I recently did a poll of shy and socially awkward introverts on Facebook, asking if they struggled with feeling jealous of extroverts who can talk to people with ease and charisma, and the overwhelming majority of them, about 72%, answered, “Yes.” That means that quite a bit of you could use some help from someone who was formerly jealous of extroverts (me, including my own sister at one point)!

This episode is for those of you shy, socially anxious, socially awkward introverts who find yourself looking at the extroverts in your life and wishing and praying that you had even an ounce of the charismatic, larger-than-life personality that many of them possess. I’m going to demonstrate to you how you can get rid of those feelings of jealousy by building confidence in and harnessing the power of your introverted qualities.

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Transcript

Welcome to The Introverted Misfit Podcast with me, Caroline Smith, where we discuss topics related to the human experience of connection and communication with a slightly awkward, introverted twist.

I recently did a poll of shy and socially awkward introverts on Facebook, asking if they struggled with feeling jealous of extroverts who can talk to people with ease and charisma, and the overwhelming majority of them, about 72%, answered, “Yes.”

To give you an idea of what the respondents said, some said they envy people who can walk into a room and all the attention immediately goes towards them.

Some some said they were jealous that extroverts can talk to people and not be exhausted afterwards.

Someone said they wished they had the “gift of gab” which is the first time I had heard that phrase but it apparently means the ability to talk at length, typically about trivial matters

Some said they were jealous at how effortless extroverts can socialize.

A couple of people said they struggled with their conversational skills.

Someone even said witnessing extroverts socializing makes them feel worse about their lack of confidence and self-esteem.

And then I got a handful of people who simply said yes with no further explanation, which is pretty straightforward.

So this podcast episode is for those of you shy, socially anxious, socially awkward introverts who find yourself looking at the extroverts in your life and wishing and praying that you had even an ounce of the charismatic, larger-than-life personality that many of them possess.

In today’s podcast episode, I’m going to demonstrate to you how you can get rid of those feelings of jealousy by building confidence in and harnessing the power of your introverted qualities.

I have an ultra-extroverted older sister.

She’s very lively; very charismatic; she knows how to work a room; she will literally talk to anyone who will listen; if she doesn’t have at least 10 conversations a day, she does not feel alive; you know when people say, “They’ve never met a stranger”? That describes my sister to a T.

She won’t mind me telling y’all this because she knows this about herself.

I can vividly remember back when I was still struggling with social anxiety and low self-confidence, I used to tag along with her to her various music performances, because she is a jazz and R&B singer out in Dallas, TX — check her out on Instagram @theashleighsmith. Links in the description.

Sometimes the music at these venues would be really loud but it was always really good; people would be dancing and singing along, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that almost everyone is just drawn to her bubbly, lively, extroverted personality.

The most frustrating thing for me about watching her in action is that it was so obvious to me that she wasn’t even trying to draw people’s attention — she just automatically knew how to do it.

It was just wired in her to be that way.

At this point of me telling this story you’re probably sensing a bit of jealousy from me, and you would be right.

So here I am admitting on the internet that I used to be jealous of extroverts.

I was jealous of the way they could easily make connections at the drop of a hat, attract all of the attention as soon as they walk into a room, and how they could walk into any social interaction with seemingly no fear of rejection or embarrassment.

I mean, with me being a shy and awkward introvert, there really was nothing else I could do except sit on the sidelines and be envious of who I would never be.

And it wasn’t just my sister, by the way.

I used to struggle with these feelings in school and even in my first full-time job.

I was that shy, quiet coworker and employee who was too nervous to even speak above a whisper, and I remember there was this one coworker of mine who was a lot like my sister, and compared to her, I just felt like my deficits and flaws were a lot more noticeable, especially in situations like team meetings.

But what I eventually realized is that I wasn’t really jealous of their extroversion, because I did and still do enjoy my alone time and really only like talking to 1 or a handful of people at a time very sparingly.

What I was actually jealous of was their social confidence and their likeability, because in addition to being introverted, I’m also autistic, which essentially means I’m innately socially awkward in many ways which was the root cause of my severe social anxiety for nearly a decade.

What I’m getting at here is that introverted is not synonymous with shy, socially anxious, and socially awkward.

Those are separate things from being an introvert, and I go into a lot more detail about my experience as an “introverted misfit” in an earlier podcast episode titled Are You Introverted, Shy, or Both? Discover the Key Differences.

You should check that one out after you finish with this one.

But to give you a quick summary about what I discussed in that episode, an introvert is a person who is more reserved and quiet, tends to be more introspective, and enjoys spending more time alone than with others.

A shy or socially anxious person is nervous or even fearful of other people, or I should say interacting with people.

So shy and socially anxious is not as simple as preferring to be alone; it has to do with avoiding people and social interactions because you are nervous or scared about interacting with them.

It’s really a difference of preference vs. fear.

Now, I did not come to this realization that my introversion was not the problem until well after I overcame my social anxiety.

But now that I’ve had this breakthrough for myself years ago, I just want to offer you this suggestion presuming that you are a shy and awkward introvert:

Maybe the only reason you are feeling jealous of your extroverted peers has nothing to do with you being introverted, and everything to do with you lacking confidence in your introverted strengths and abilities.

So then your jealousy of extroverts has nothing to do with them being extroverted and everything to do with them being confident in themselves in a way you are not.

I think if you can become more secure with yourself and your strengths as an introvert, you will no longer be comparing yourself to the extroverts in your life and thinking, “Why can’t I be more like them?”

Here’s what I’ve come to realize: Extroverts reach people in a way introverts can’t, and introverts reach people ina way extroverts can’t.

That means we play very different roles that are equally as important.

I actually wrote a poem about this concept a while ago, and I read it aloud in another one of my episodes called, The Valuable Role of Introverts in the Introvert-Extrovert Balance, but I’m going to give you a summary of what the poem was about, because it fits in with what I’m trying to explain perfectly.

It’s about a deer and a lion.

The deer who is very meek, quiet and quaint is envious of the lion who has this mighty roar and struts around with a lot of confidence which just commands a lot of attention.

So the deer asks the lion, “How can I be more like you? How can I walk around with a strut like yours and learn how roar loudly like you?”

And the lion responds by saying, “Your role in our ecosystem/universe is different than mine, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important.”

And then I kind of go on this ecological explanation of the deer’s role in the ecosystem and how if it didn’t play it’s role, it would cause this chain reaction throughout the ecosystem that makes it unsustainable.

But all of that is really getting too much into the details.

The moral of the poem or story is that introverts and extroverts have different strengths and roles that connect with people in ways the other can’t.

We each fill a gap that the other cannot fill, and in that way, there is no reason for you to be jealous of extroverts, other than the fact that you lack confidence in yourself and your abilities.

You don’t trust that what you have to offer others as an introvert is good enough.

And that is the real problem.

That’s why you feel that twinge of jealousy every time you are in the presence of that one lively, extroverted, charismatic person that I know you can picture in your mind right now.

That one person who every time they walk into the room, you start thinking, “Here they go again, bringing the life of the party, attracting all of the attention without even trying,” while you just sit there feeling your body tighten up and get hot with envy.

And I know you hate feeling like that, because I know I hated feeling that way, especially about my own sister.

So how can you stop feeling this way?

You have to learn to trust that your introverted personality has value and power (and it does have value and power).

Maybe your preference for 1-on-1 conversations allows you to create deeper, higher quality connections.

Maybe your introspective nature gives you the ability to empathize and have compassion for what other people are going through.

Maybe your love of deep thought gives you a much deeper understanding of the problems that someone else may not have thought about yet.

And maybe all of that quiet, alone time you have to recharge really allows your creativity to flow.

If you have a pen and paper handy or if you can take notes on your phone, I want you to write down what your communication strengths are.

But now how do you build that trust in your introversion?

Every other coach, podcaster, motivational speaker says be more confident, but how do you do that when you don’t have any?

With action.

You build trust in yourself, i.e., self-confidence, with action —

Proving to yourself that you can set a goal, say you’re going to do it, actually follow through with doing it to the best of your ability, and then once you’ve proven to yourself that you can achieve something you set out to do, congratulations — you have just built more confidence in yourself!

That’s the ticket! Confidence comes with action.

So what does that mean for you as an introvert who struggles with shyness and social awkwardness?

It means — and I want you to make note of this underneath the strengths you just wrote down — It means finding opportunities where your strengths can flourish, and then taking those opportunities.

In other words, don’t run away from social interactions because you’re scared of failing or being embarrassed or being rejected.

Don’t listen to those fears — those fears are what have been holding you back all of this time, so ignore them, do it scared, and once you see the kind of value it has, that’s where the self-confidence comes from.

I’ll give you an example.

During the first few years of my first full-time job, I had always made excuses as to why I couldn’t attend the annual Christmas part because at that point in my life, I still had social anxiety and was always finding excuses to avoid going to social events.

Until last year in 2024, I said to myself, “You know what? I’ve already gotten over my social anxiety and I’m way less socially awkward than I used to be, so I’m going to go to the party this year.”

And I did.

I made sure that I looked my best — I had on a nice sweater, earrings, my favorite red lipstick from The Lip Bar, and I did my hair — and I went in with the goal of focusing on 1-on-1 interactions.

It’s not that I was completely against group conversations, but I just knew that I’m more comfortable on a 1-on-1 basis, those are easier to initiate because all you have to do is find someone who isn’t already talking to someone, and I figured that would help me build my confidence.

And what do you know, by the end of the night, I had engaged in 6 different conversations, one of which was a group of 7 people.

I hardly even recognized myself, because I was laughing, talking, telling stories, getting to know people.

Now, I’m still an introvert, so when I got home I was feeling very drained from all of the socializing, but more than that, I felt very full because of all of the comradery I experienced, and I built up my confidence in my introverted social skills.

And here’s the most important thing; I wasn’t the lively, charismatic one there — I was just myself and I was still able to connect with people who enjoyed my company and whose company I also enjoyed.

So now my question to you is, “What is in the way of you trusting yourself?”

The answer is you! You’re in your own way!

That means you need to move out of your own way.

Stop comparing yourself to people whom you will never be, stop being jealous of people who can do what you can’t do, and focus on building confidence in your own strengths as an introvert.

And once you start to see the kinds of connections that you can build by being yourself in all of your introversion, you’re going to stop feeling that jealousy take over your body when you feel like you’re being overshadowed by an extrovert.

You’re going to stope being scared to look people in the eye with confidence and speak up in group environments.

You’re going to leave your fears of embarrassment and rejection behind which is going to open so many connections and opportunities for you.

You’re going to be able to walk into a room knowing that your introverted strengths can create powerful connections.

So just to recap the key points about this discussion:

  1. Introverted is not the same thing as shyness and social anxiety. It’s a difference between a preference for being alone vs. a fear of people.

  2. Extroverts and introverts have different strengths, but that does not mean either is more or less important then the other.

  3. Your jealousy of extroverts is not about you being introverted; it’s about you lacking confidence in your introverted strengths and qualities.

  4. The only way to build confidence and trust in your introverted qualities is to find opportunities to use them, and then actually use them. Confidence comes with action!

Breathe in, breathe out exercise.

Now, if you’ve tried to get to that level of confidence on your own and haven’t yet been successful, it’s not because you can’t do it and it’s not because you’re a failure.

It may be because you just haven’t had the right guidance and support, and that’s where I might be able to help you.

With my services, I help introverts like you who are shy, awkward, and don’t trust that they have what it takes to make meaningful connections and just move throughout life without a fear of socializing.

If that sounds like a service that you need, book a free call with me so that we can talk about how you can move forward with your social confidence journey and how I can assist you as someone who has been exactly where you are right now.

you can find the link to book your call in the description, or if it’s quicker you can go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching where you can read all about my program Communicate With Quiet Confidence and then book your free call with me.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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