How to Be Likeable Without Being Fake (For Autistic/Awkward People)

Written By Caroline Smith

The concept of being “likeable” is a sore spot for many misfits who don’t really fit into what’s considered normal social behavior, including myself at one point in my life. It can feel like you are putting on a performance for people just so that they will want to be your friend, which of course is not a great feeling to have about yourself.

In fact, some people are so fed up with putting on this performance that they have chosen a life of seclusion and emotional withdrawal because they have been so scarred by social exclusion, rejection, and even outright bullying, for simply behaving in a way that’s natural for them.

I even did a poll on Facebook among neurodivergent adults on the autism spectrum asking what their initial reaction was to the phrase, “Be more likeable,” and the general consensus was not great.

This episode is dedicated to all of you misfits who want to learn how to be “likable” without feeling like a fraud. You’ll learn my 3 best tips for being someone that people enjoy being around without feeling like you are constantly performing for people’s approval, specifically neurotypical people.

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Transcript

Welcome to The Introverted Misfit Podcast with me, Caroline Smith, where we discuss topics related to the human experience of connection and communication with a slightly awkward, introverted twist.

At any point in your life or possible right now, you’ve probably told yourself the following things about yourself as an autistic and or very awkward person.

“Nobody likes you.”

“Nobody wants to be my friend.”

“I’d rather be alone than keep getting rejected for who I am.”

“Why should I have to change myself for others to like me?”

The concept of being “likeable” is a sore spot for many misfits who don’t really fit into what’s considered normal social behavior, including myself at one point in my life.

What I’m implying when I say “Be likeable” is what is known among ASD Level 1 people as “masking,” or if you’re not autistic and you’re just socially awkward you might call it being socially palatable or conforming to social norms and expectations.

Whatever you want to call it, it can feel like you are putting on a performance for people just so that they will want to be your friend, which of course is not a great feeling to have about yourself.

In fact, some people are so fed up with putting on this performance that they have chosen a life of seclusion and emotional withdrawal because they have been so scarred by social exclusion, rejection, and even outright bullying, for simply behaving in a way that’s natural for them.

I even did a poll on Facebook among neurodivergent adults on the autism spectrum asking what their initial reaction was to the phrase, “Be more likeable,” and here are a few key points summing up the general consensus:

  • People felt like they shouldn’t have to adapt to other people’s conveniences.

  • People expressed that they shut down and feel rejected.

  • A lot of people said they’ve felt like they’ve been told to be likable for their entire lives, and they no longer feel obligated to conform to their expectations at their own expense.

  • A few people said they interpreted this phrase to mean stop being yourself, and instead be who everyone else wants you to be.

  • One person expressed that if someone said that to them, they would feel resentment for that person.

  • Many people said they feel resentment about the fact that communication always has to be on their terms — “their” referring to non-autistic people’s social norms.

  • And then a lot of people felt angry and frustrated because they feel like even though they have tried their best to get it right, it seems like they always get it wrong.

There were a couple hundred responses but those are just some of the general feelings I gathered from all of them.

So it’s obvious to me that many people feel very sensitively about this topic, and I certainly understand why.

Nobody wants to feel like they’re putting on a front just to be liked and appreciated.

We all want to be loved and valued for who we are without feeling like we have to change too much of who we are.

Well, I’ve got some bad news for you that I’m really hoping does not land the wrong way when I say it: That is not how the real world works — not even for non-autistic people.

All of us walking on this earth to some extent are compromising something we want to do in order to make the relationships in our lives work.

So then why does this concept of “Being likable” strike such a chord?

I think that all of those years of being constantly rejected for those little things and behaviors that were apparently not so little for non-autistic people, has made it so that you have a very deep and painful reaction to being “likable.”

So you hear that word and immediately your heart drops and you feel this weight being dropped on your shoulders.

Just that one word feels like you as a person are being rejected all over again.

In today’s podcast episode, I’m going to do my best by getting you out of this heavy feeling that you’re having, so I’m going to talk about how to be likable without being fake or compromising who you are.

But first, I want to clarify that when I refer to autistic people, I’m referring to people with low-support needs and who are more able to mask their autistic traits.

I’m just putting that out there so that this message doesn’t come across the wrong way.

I want to start with a mindset shift you must be willing to make if any of my later advice is going to stick:

You are not changing who you are at your core; you are communicating in a way that others will better understand and be receptive to.

If you are not even somewhat open to having this shift in perspective, everything else I say is going to sound like a personal attack.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that communication is a two-way street, which basically means that everyone involved in an interaction or relationship has to be able to understand the other, which means that everyone has to speak and listen to each other for a successful exchange of ideas.

That’s really where the breakdown in communication happens, and among autistic people, this barrier is commonly referred to as The Double Empathy Problem, which is a theory that suggests both autistic and non-autistic people can struggle to understand each other’s emotions and intentions.

For example, as an autistic person, I tend to exhibit what’s called the flat affect, which involves a reduced ability to express emotions. For me this means a monotone voice and a lack of facial expressions if I’m not 100% on top of my communication.

From my perspective, I’m not doing anything wrong and it’s not necessarily a reflection of my interest level, but to a non-autistic person, it may look like I’m not having a good time or that I’m bored, or maybe I’m a psychopath.

That’s one example of where a misunderstanding can happen.

So if I were to intentionally change my expressions to match what I wish to express (and I do by the way without overdoing it), I’m not changing who I am at my core — I’m communicating in a way in which the other person can better understand me.

I also have a tendency to be very blunt and direct in my communication, even about sensitive topics that need to be handled with more care, but I know that using that kind of blunt communication all of the time without any filter is not always received well.

So, if I want the other person to be more willing to listen to me, I know I need to have some control over my directness.

Again, this does not change who you are or your true thoughts; you are broadening your communication strengths.

Now, after you get past that mindset shift, we need to answer this question: What are you willing to compromise on?

Like I mentioned before, everyone, even non-autistic people, have to compromise on something in order to relate to one another.

Seriously — how many non-autistic people do you know in your life who got married and then went through a messy divorce or maybe they’re still married or together and just miserable, all because they don’t know how to communicate and compromise?

Or, if you’ve ever heard of the term “code-switching,” but it is the act of changing the way you speak, behave, or present yourself in different situations, so essentially you are only revealing certain sides of your personality based on the situation.

In other words, compromising in order to be socially accepted.

So like the way you present yourself in a professional setting may be different than at a casual BBQ with your friends and family.

Or the way you talk to your parents is going to be different than your siblings.

Or the way you behave at a funeral which is typically a sad occasion will be different than how you behave at a wedding or a party.

Now this concept of compromising may be a little more difficult for us for different reasons, but at some point, you everyone has to compromise.

I’ll give you an example:

When I was still in grade school, mainly middle and high school, I really needed to have complete quiet so that I could really focus, because my sensory issues were really bad (and honestly it’s still a struggle at times).

But one thing my parents used to do all of the time that drove me crazy was walk around, opening and closing doors and cabinets, moving stuff around, talking on the phone, and just making a bunch of small noises that really messed with my focus.

So I had a habit of getting up and immediately leaving the room every time someone entered it.

My parent’s had to explain to me that getting up and leaving like that without any explanation makes people feel like I don’t like them and I don’t want to even be in the same room as them.

So, ever since they told me that, I have to really concentrate on not making the other person feel like I’m avoiding them at all costs by leaving the room every time they enter it.

Instead, I literally have to pause and calmly explain that I’m working on something and I need a quiet place to focus completely, so I’m going to the other room.

Another example of a compromise you might have to make is engaging in small talk, and I know for a fact many of you listening have a gripe with small talk because I did another Facebook poll just a few days ago asking what people’s biggest social struggles are in preparation for this podcast episode and I saw small talk and conversational skills listed at least 15 times in the comments.

Small talk is one of those things that if you don’t know how to do it the right way, it can be very nerve-racking, and that’s why many autistic and awkward people don’t really prefer it or even hate it.

But, small talk is very useful for initiating conversations that may or may not turn into deeper conversations, it relieves the tensions of awkward silences like team meetings at work, especially during those few minutes before the actual meeting starts and everyone is just sitting there awkwardly, and it’s good filler for when you’re just getting to know people and you don’t really know if you are compatible with them yet.

Or say your at a very happy occasion like a holiday party and you want to maintain the festive mood, so you would engage in small talk and light conversation.

You’re not just going to start trauma-dumping on people that you don’t even know.

Knowing how to do small talk the right way doesn’t mean that you have to do it all of the time, but it does mean that you will feel more comfortable in certain social settings.

If you’re looking for some quick tips on how to engage in small talk, you can grab my free 6-step guide to small talk for awkward introverts using the link in the description.

Or just go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/resources, and you’ll find that same free guide plus all of the other free downloadables and audio guides for shy, awkward introverts.

So that was my second point: Figure out what you are and are not willing to compromise on.

My last point is to find the right people, i.e., stop trying to fit in where you are not welcome.

No matter how nice and likable you try to be, not everyone is going to like you in the same way you are not going to like everybody who crosses your path.

There are just some people out there who you will not fit in with for whatever reason.

Maybe they are very superficial and vain, and so the moment you say something a little awkward or uncool, you’re out of the club.

Or maybe they are particularly caddy and gossipy and that’s not behavior you like to engage in.

Whatever the reason, don’t try to fit in with people who are just determined to not understand you, and that’s assuming that you’re already enacting my second point that we just went over, which was finding your compromises to improve your communication.

I remember being in middle school trying to fit in with the popular kids at school, and it’s not that I thought I was cool enough to hang with them, but at the time I guess I just lacked self-awareness about why people didn’t like me (mainly because I didn’t get my autism diagnosis until I was 17, a junior in high school), so I would just try to talk to a lot of different, including the popular kids.

And I didn’t learn this until much later on in life, but if you want to hang with those “cool kids,” the mask you have to keep up with them is 10x more difficult, because remember, they care a lot about very superficial things, like how you look, how you behave, what clothes you’re wearing, etc., and that makes you more disposable when your mask slips and you say something a little awkward or say something that gets taken the wrong way.

So focus on finding, friends who are not so superficial and who will not be so put off by those slip ups and who understand your need for alone time when you are overwhelmed and overstimulated.

And those are the 3 main things you need to be likable:

  1. You are not changing who you are at your core; you are communicating in a way that others will better understand and be receptive to.

  2. Figure out what you are and are not willing to compromise on.

  3. Fitting in with the right kind of people.

When you can nail those 3 things, you will become somebody that people — the right kind of people — like to be around.

All of that was the short version of it, because the process of becoming likable is not an overnight process.

But, if you are a listener of mine who is a shy, awkward or even autistic introvert like me, I know that even these 3 steps that look really good on paper can be very daunting to accomplish in real life especially by yourself, and that’s what I’m here for.

In addition to giving you all of this free advice from my lived experience as an introverted misfit on my podcast every week, I offer 1-on-1 services to help shy, awkward introverts become socially confident without having to act extroverted.

So if you are an introvert, and you find that your social life is being negatively affected by your lack of self-confidence, your fear of rejection and embarrassment, your fear of speaking to people, and your struggles with making and keeping friends, my program, Communicate With Quiet Confidence, will help you stop hiding behind your quiet, introverted personality, and realize that your introversion can be your greatest communication strength that allows you to make very meaningful connections if you know how to use it the right way.

Up until this point, you’ve been made to feel as if you are not likable, or dare I say loveable just for being who you are, and you have probably internalized that rejection to mean that you are not worth anyone’s attention and companionship.

So, instead of trying to get out there and find people who will accept and understand you, you’ve been sitting back and watching everyone else live a life that you could only dream of, all because you’ve been made to believe that you are not worth quality relationships.

Well, I believe that if you want that life, you can have it!

It takes work, and compromise while still being able to take care of your individual needs, but it is possible without having to fake being someone that you’re not.

If that sounds like a life you want to create for yourself, you can take the first step towards that goal today!

Book your free discovery call with me by using the link in the description, or if you want to learn more about Communicate With Quiet Confidence, you can go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching for the details and you’ll be able to book your free call with me there.

I can’t wait to finally meet you!

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

Connect With Caroline:

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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