What It Means to Communicate With Quiet Confidence as an Introvert

Written By Caroline Smith

When you think of an extrovert, you probably think of words like lively, charismatic, loud, exuberant, exciting, and fun. When you think of an introvert, however, we can seem boring and less confident next to our extroverted counterparts.

In this podcast, I’ll explain what it means to communicate with quiet confidence instead of quiet fear as an introvert so that you can stop feeling like being an extrovert is the only way to exude confidence!

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Transcript

Welcome to The Introverted Misfit Podcast with me, Caroline Smith, where we discuss topics related to the human experience of connection and communication with a slightly awkward, introverted twist.

What comes to mind when I tell you to think of extroverted communication?

You probably picture a lot of people gathered together, loudly talking, telling stories and jokes, non-stop laughing, feeding off of each other’s energy, and just exhibiting very lively, charismatic behavior.

You’re also probably picturing someone who can walk into a room and immediately grab all of the attention and admiration, even from people who don’t even know them, and someone who can work the entire room without getting tired, and without even having to think about what to say.

The kind of people who can entertain 10 people all at once with ease and grace.

Now, what comes to mind when I tell you to think of introverted communication?

Well, if you’re thinking of the type of introverts who are shy and socially anxious, and maybe even a little awkward, you’re probably picturing someone who stays away from people out of fear and nervousness, doesn’t do well in social settings no matter how big or small, and is very quiet.

Someone who keeps their eyes glued to the ground whenever possible so that they can avoid potential conversations.

Someone who never goes to social gatherings and outings because they get too nervous about socializing.

Well, that is certainly one portion of us introverts, but I want to use this podcast episode to paint you a new and improved version of introverted communication; one that is filled with power, meaningfulness, and confidence rather than shyness, withdrawal, and low self-esteem.

So today I will be explaining exactly what it means to communicate with quiet confidence as an introvert.

Quiet Fear

First, I want to tell you about the opposite of quiet confidence, which is something I call quiet fear.

Quiet fear is when your quiet demeanor and social withdrawal are rooted in fear instead of being rooted in your preference or choice.

So instead of being a confident introvert who can socialize with people when they are in the mood and when they choose to, your lack of self-confidence and nervousness around socializing are what’s really keeping you from meeting people and socializing.

So here’s what it looks like when you’re communicating with quiet fear:

  • You’re too afraid to speak up when you know you have something valuable to say, so you stay quiet.

  • You don’t say anything because you’re worried about if people will think your idea is stupid.

  • You walk around so afraid of potentially being embarrassed or rejected that you can’t even bring yourself to look people in the eye.

  • You go to social events and gatherings and just sit in the corner all night long clutching your drink for dear life because you don’t know how to start a conversation with someone.

  • In the face of basic conflicts and disagreements with friends, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., you keep your mouth shut because you’re scared that people won’t like you if you put your foot down.

All of those scenarios that I just described have nothing to do with being quiet; those and other similar scenarios have to do with fear and a lack of self-confidence.

Walking throughout your life with a mindset of “quiet fear” as an introvert keeps you stuck in life.

It keeps you from:

  • Creating fulfilling relationships and social connections, and then maintaining them.

  • Progressing in your career or your business if that’s a goal of yours.

  • Finding solid friends on whom you can rely.

Instead of accomplishing those things, what you get instead is all of the things you don’t want:

  • Poor quality relationships because your low self-confidence is mainly attracting people who don’t value you or who take advantage of your shyness and lack of confidence.

  • So-called friends who walk all over you and poke fun at you because they know you’re too shy to confront them about their behavior.

  • Your ideas and opinions constantly getting overlooked because you’re too afraid to say them with confidence.

All of those things that keep you up at night, and keep you in a state of constant stress about everyday situations that everyone else seems to have no problem handling.

That is what communicating with quiet fear looks like.

What Communicating With Quiet Confidence DOES Mean

So what does it mean to communicate with quiet confidence instead of quiet fear?

Quiet confidence is when the choice to communicate and socialize is all yours. Your choice to stay quiet or have some alone time is not being controlled by your nervousness and fear around socializing and your lack of self-confidence.

And this doesn’t mean that we’ll never be nervous or a little scared to do some things in life, but it does mean that your overall quality of life and relationships is not going to suffer due to your low self-confidence.

Here’s what it looks like to walk throughout the world with quiet confidence as an introvert:

  • You know that you do not have to force yourself to act like an extrovert to make friends and socialize.

  • You don’t feel threatened by or jealous of the lively extroverts in your life because you understand that there are other people out there just like you.

  • You trust that there are people out there who will like your introverted personality and who won’t think it’s boring.

  • When the time comes for you to speak up and share your perspective or ideas in a group setting, you can do it confidently.

  • You will be able to go throughout your day without that constant fear of rejection, embarrassment, and being judged by others.

  • You’ll be able to deal with conflicts and disagreements without taking things personally.

  • You’ll be able to stand up for yourself without feeling bad about it.

    And when I say stand up for yourself, I don’t mean that you have to do it all loudly and boldly; you can stand up for yourself in a way that feels natural to you, whether that’s calmly explaining your boundaries when they are crossed or even just knowing when it’s time to get up and walk away from situations that don’t serve you.

  • Instead of constantly avoiding social events because you’re nervous about talking to people — even though you may want to go, you’ll be able to avoid them only when really aren’t feeling up to it.

    And then when you are feeling up to it, you can go without fear and talk to people using your introverted communication strengths!

That’s the difference: Quiet confidence is when you have confidence in your introverted strengths, you know when to use them, when not to use them, and when it’s time to recharge your social battery, and quiet fear is when you are an introvert who avoids social interactions and events consistently out of fear or nervousness and not necessarily because you don’t want to go.

With quiet confidence, you are in full control of your introverted power, and with quiet fear, it’s the fear and nervousness that’s controlling you.

How Can I Learn to Communicate With Quiet Confidence?

So how can you learn to communicate with quiet confidence as an introvert and leave behind the quiet fear?

Well there are really two main parts to that solution: The first is connecting with your introverted communication strengths, and the second is to build the confidence to use your strengths in the real world.

1. Connecting with your introverted communication strengths

Now, not every introvert is exactly the same, which means we have different strengths and weakness and different qualities that make us more introverted than others.

So even thought I’m explaining what I’ve observed as being the 4 most common traits of an introvert, it doesn’t mean that you have to relate to every single one.

And by the way it doesn’t mean that extroverts are incapable of using these same qualities because we are just two sides of the same coin after all.

But I’m going to talk about the power of introspection, deep thought, listening, and 1-on-1 connection.

  • The power of introspection

    Introspection: the examination of one’s own thoughts and feelings, or in other words the act of being reflective.

    Your introspective nature gives you the ability to truly understand your own emotions and thoughts regarding a multitude of topics and situations, and because of that, you can be particularly compassionate and empathetic to what other’s are going through.

    Because you understand them on a personal level, you can connect with them on a much deeper level.

  • The power of deep thought

    Deep thought is the ability to think about things below the surface level.

    When you’re purely thinking about issues and problems on the surface level, you’re only going to come up with superficial, temporary solutions.

    But when you’re able to think about things deeply, you can explore every aspect of a problem and get to the root cause, because below the surface is where the real answers are.

  • The power of listening

    There are a lot of people walking around who feel unheard and invalidated because they don’t feel like they are being listened to.

    Listening is what makes people feel valued and seen, and that’s where real change often starts — when people feel heard and understood.

    Sometimes people don’t even need a response or advice from you; they just want someone to listen and show they genuinely care about what they’re going through.

    I want you to remember the last time you were in conversation with someone or multiple people who either intentionally or unintentionally made you feel invalidated.

    Maybe they laughed at your perspective on something.

    Maybe they brushed off your feelings and acted like you were overreacting.

    Maybe they were scrolling on their phone the entire time you were talking to them.

    Remember how you felt your heart just sink to the floor the moment you realized you were essentially talking to a brick wall?

    And how you left the interaction feeling very small and unimportant?

    The power of listening — true listening where you are trying your best to understand what the other person is saying and where they are coming from — you make people feel like they matter, and that is a very powerful communication tool.

  • Finally, the power of 1-on-1 connection

    1-on-1 connection allows for more meaningful conversations to happen.

    It’s not that group conversations don’t have their place, but typically the more people are involved, the more the conversation can veer off onto different topics every few minutes.

    Especially if there are other more outspoken, extroverted people involved, you’ll barely be able to get a word in before the topic changes.

    I’ve been there plenty of times as I’m sure you have been, too.

    But 1-on-1 is an optimal situation for deeper connections to happen.

So those are the core strengths of an introvert: introspection, deep thought, listening, and 1-on-1 connections.

If you think I forgot one, type it in the comments so that we can talk about it more.

The other part of understanding your strengths is knowing when they should and shouldn’t be used.

So basically, you need to know when it’s time to lean into those communication weaknesses.

And by the way, “weakness” is not a bad word; it’s something that all of us humans have to learn to live with.

For example, deep conversations are not appropriate for every social setting.

And sometimes, you may not want to poor out your heart, soul, and thoughts to the wrong person.

So small talk is something you need to have in your back pocket.

Or, you’re not going to be able to rely solely on 1-on-1 conversations all of the time.

There will be sometimes where you’ll have to socialize in a group setting.

So when you learn to improve on your weaknesses, you’ll be even more assured in your quiet confidence.

When you solely rely on your communication strengths, you can only talk to certain people, but when you can master or at least improve your weaknesses, you can talk to anybody.

And THAT is really a powerful tool.

2. Building the confidence to use your strengths in the real world

Now let’s tackle the second part of my proposed solution which is to build your confidence in your introverted personality.

How do you learn to trust yourself and your strengths as an introvert when you’ve been so disconnected with them for years?

Lucky for you, the concept is very simple.

You fix it by taking action.

I want you to think back on the first time you learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, if you can remember that far back.

You probably had kneepads on to begin with.

Your mom or dad was probably right there beside you holding the handle bars to keep you steady, and they couldn’t let go just yet because you did not trust yourself to keep the bike stable without the training wheels.

So they would first walk beside you, and then they would walk a little faster and then they would start jogging beside you so that you could get some momentum going.

And then they would give you some encouragement and start getting ready to let go of the handle bars.

It might have taken a few times for you to get the hang of it, but eventually when they let go of the bike and let you try to ride by yourself, you were finally able to do it without falling over because you had learned to trust that you could ride it without falling.

Or in other words, you had build up the confidence in yourself to ride the bike without your parents’ help.

And eventually you had so much confidence in yourself that you got rid of the knee pads, or if you’re anything like my cousin and I, when we were about 10 and 11, we would take our bikes to the top of this huge, really steep hill, and by that point we had learned how to pedal with no hands, and we would just fly down the hill with our arms out beside us like we were flying.

We didn’t build our confidence in our bike-riding skills by mentally preparing to do it and just thinking about how much we wanted to do it, although that was part of it — we had to actually get out there and do it over and over again until we got it right.

The same thing goes for when you first learned how to swim or tread water in the deep end.

At first, you were probably nervous about going under the water and holding your breath, but the more you did it, the easier it got.

But again, you could just sit beside the water and keep wishing that you knew how to swim; you had to jump in and learn to trust that you could hold your breath and then make it back to the surface to breath again.

I’m not discounting the inner work that goes along with the action, but if you do the inner work by itself, you’re going to go nowhere.

I remember hearing someone repeat an old African proverb that says, “When you pray, move your feet,” which means don’t just pray and wish for it — do it!

So what you need to do is find opportunities to take action and use your communication strengths, and then take them.

If you’re a regular listener of this podcast, you’ve probably heard me talk about my experience with having social anxiety for many years because of me being autistic, which comes with quite a few social and communication difficulties.

And back when I was in the middle of trying to overcome my social anxiety, what I did was find small-risk social interactions that I could use to build confidence around my conversational skills and improve my discomfort.

I would go for walks around the neighborhood and say friendly greetings to people who I saw walking by instead of taking out my phone and pretending that I’m looking at something very important when I’m clearly not. *Leave a comment if you've done that before.*

When I went to the grocery store, I would ask the employee where I could find an item – even if I knew where the item was – I would use it as an opportunity to practice eye contact, speaking at a volume where people could hear me, smiling, etc.

Or back when I still went into the office to work as a web developer (before I started working remotely), I would say good morning to people when I first walked in which is something I never used to do.

I literally used to wait in my car until people went inside before me so that I wouldn’t have to talk to them on the way in, and I would walk straight to my desk with my eyes glued to the ground.

And then when I got pulled into team meetings, I would make it a point to say at least 1 statement or ask 1 question.

Even if you don’t have social anxiety and you’re just a bit shy and awkward, you don’t have to use my exact scenarios — you can come up with your own opportunities that put you out of your comfort zone.

And were there some really awkward and cringey moments that I had to endure? Yes! Absolutely!

Because I was learning something new.

Just like when you were learning how to ride your bike as a child, you probably got a few scrapes and bumps during the learning process that stung, but you just put a band aid on and kept going until you trusted your abilities.

Confidence comes with action.

You have to find opportunities that will build your confidence in your introverted personality bit by bit so that you can prove to yourself that you do have value and your introverted personality is a strength rather than a hinderance.

So now, with our newfound meaning of quiet confidence, I want to paint you that new and improved image of introverted communication that I mentioned in the beginning of this episode:

Picture yourself being fully connected with your strengths as an introvert, whatever they may be.

You know what you excel at, what needs improvement, and you know how to keep both in check.

You can adapt well to different social settings when you need to, so instead of avoiding every single holiday party or social outing that you want to go to, you have enough confidence in your introverted personality that you attend the event, find people with whom you can connect, and recharge with some much-needed alone time.

And your friendships and acquaintances don’t consistently fizzle out because you now have confidence that the people who are a good match for you will appreciate your personality and will want to hang out with you.

When you’re in the workplace, you become someone who people trust and consult instead of someone who constantly gets overlooked and undervalued, and you are no longer to speak up with confidence in your team meetings.

Doesn’t that sound like the kind of life you want to live?

Now, I know what you’re probably thinking right now: All of this sounds really good in theory and on paper, but in reality it’s so much harder to do, especially if you’ve been struggling with your social confidence for many years like I once did.

And you’re right; it is hard work, but the good news is you don’t have to go the journey all alone if you don’t want to!

If you are a shy and socially awkward introvert who is ready to leave behind a life of quiet fear and start embracing quiet confidence, I have a 1-on-1 coaching program specifically for you, and you’ll never guess what it’s called: Communicate With Quiet Confidence.

In this 12-week program, you and I will work together, 1-on-1, to address your specific needs so that you can go from being an introvert with low self-confidence to being a socially confident introvert.

And the best part is that you don’t have to act like an extrovert to do it!

You will become more confident in your introverted strengths and abilities so that this idea of having to fake like you’re some lively extrovert doesn’t stop you from making friends and being social in a way that feels natural for you.

To learn more about the program, look in the description of this episode for the link to the info page and once you get to that page you will be able to book your free discovery call with me from there.

Or you can just go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching and that will take you to the exact same info page.

I can’t wait for us to finally meet!

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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