Self-Reflection: How to Have Tough Conversations With Yourself

Written By Caroline Smith

Self-reflection is having tough conversations with yourself about yourself. It is crucial in order for us to keep our own egos in check and prevent poor decisions from making our lives worse, but would you believe me if I told you that there is a right and a wrong way to self-reflect? It’s true!

In this episode, I’ll talk about how to do do self-reflection the right way so that your acts of self-reflection are not unproductive or worse, counterproductive, as well as my own experience with self-reflection as a once socially anxious introvert who was hiding behind my introversion. We’ll talk about removing major distractions during self-reflection, clearing and calming your mind for better meditation sessions, and we’ll discuss why self-reflection is not meant to be done purely by yourself, despite what the term “self” implies.

WARNING: Don’t listen unless you’re really ready to take a good long look in the mirror!

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Transcript:

Welcome to The Introverted Misfit Podcast with me, Caroline Smith, where we discuss topics related to the human experience of connection and communication with a slightly awkward, introverted twist.

We’ve all been there: We’re about to make a terrible decision, or maybe we’re already making terrible decisions in our lives, and someone close to us has had to sit us down and have a tough conversation about our own behavior.

If you’re anything like me, that person in my life was and still is my dad.

All throughout my teenage and young adult years, there was nothing I hated more than hearing my dad say, “Sit down. We need to talk about something,” because I knew I was about to hear something that I probably needed to hear but just didn’t want to hear.

But as human beings, I think we have naturally big egos that need to be checked.

This means we aren’t always willing to hear and accept the truth about ourselves — especially when it’s coming from other people.

Even if we know those people have good intentions for us and care about us, we just don’t want to hear it.

That’s what the art of self-reflection can solve, and so that is the topic of today’s podcast episode: self-reflection, what is it, how to do it the right way, how not to do it, and the benefits it can have in your life.

I describe self-reflection as having tough conversations with yourself about yourself.

The dictionary definition is a little fancier than that: it’s meditation or serious thought about one’s character, actions, and motives.

All of my Michael Jackson music fans have probably listened to his song, Man in the Mirror, which is basically a song about self-reflection:

I’m starting with the man in the mirror.

I’m asking him to change his ways.

…

If you want to make the world a better place,

Take a look at yourself and then make a change.

It’s about being brave enough to confront the one person you don’t want to confront — yourself — being honest with yourself about your behavior, your actions, and your intentions.

Self-reflection is truly a life-long process.

As long as you are living among other people, interacting with and forming relationships with others, you will have to engage in self-reflection.

Remember the last time someone made you really mad, offended you, or crossed a boundary that was important to you, and they just refused to do any sort of self-reflection about their behavior?

Remember how unnerved and disrespected that made you feel?

And what if I told you that someone else had felt the same way about you at one point or another?

That is why self-reflection is so crucial, because without it, no one is going to improve themselves and their relationships.

Self-reflection doesn’t even have to be about something you’ve done wrong to someone else; it could be about a behavior that is hurting yourself.

For a good chunk of my life, social anxiety was absolutely crippling me:

It was making me small, basic social interactions because I was scared of possible rejection and embarrassment.

I was scared to even move the wrong way or say the wrong thing because I was convinced people were always judging me.

This was negatively impacting my personal relationships and the professional relationships in my career.

At some point, I had to do some serious self-reflection about just how badly my fear of people was ruining my social life, why I even had this seemingly irrational fear of social interactions, and what I was going to do about it.

And that’s exactly what I did.

And now, I want to share with you what I believe is the best way to enact self-reflection the right way, because believe it or not, there is a wrong way to do this that will be unproductive or even counterproductive.

  1. Remove the major distractions.

    By major distractions, I really mean your phone, because that seems to be the primary distraction in everyone’s lives, including my own.

    Trying to self-reflect while your mindlessly scrolling through social media, being interrupted by notifications every 30 seconds, watching TV, or doing something else that is taking up all of your attention is pointless.

    There is no way you are going to be fully focused on the already difficult task of self-reflection when you’ve got all of that other noise going on.

    I would go as far as to say leave the phone and the distractions in another room entirely because if it’s right beside you, you’ll start to self—reflect for a few seconds or minutes and then you’ll be tempted to grab your phone and start scrolling again, and the train of thought you were on gets broke.

    Or — and I’m sure you’ve been in this position before — you’re scrolling through Instagram Reels or YouTube Shorts for a couple of hours, and the algorithm keeps showing you back-to-back conflicting advice or advice that is taking you down the completely wrong path.

    So maybe you just had a bad break up or maybe you’ve just starting dating someone else, and you’ve found your way to the relationship and dating coach side of social media.

    And all of the advice is like, “Text him at this time.” “Don’t text him until 30 minutes after he decides to text you back.” “If she calls you, wait 8 hours before you respond otherwise she’ll think your clingy.”

    I’m not saying all of the advice is bad, because I do think there are some gold nuggets in there, but I think in many cases, being bombarded with all of that advice causes more confusion and angst.

    Here’s another example:

    Because I am an introverted content creator in this online space, I follow quite a few introvert accounts — some of which are those really popular introvert meme pages that talk about the introvert experience of needing alone time, not liking to be around a lot of people all the time or at all, and basically staying inside of your house every weekend, which is all well and good.

    However, if you happen to be one of those introverts who struggles with shyness and social anxiety like I once did, and you keep seeing this same content that is sort of justifying and excusing your social avoidance, you’re going to self-reflect in the wrong direction.

    You’re going to remain shy and socially anxious because the content you are consuming is encouraging you to hide behind your introversion instead of facing your fears of socializing.

    I see it all of the time in the various Facebook groups I’m in.

    All of that to say, productive self-reflection requires you’re undivided attention, so set aside the distractions, and focus on the task at hand.

  2. Clear your head and calm your mind.

    Meditation can look different for everyone. Some people like a more structured approach where they want to meditate first thing in the morning, some people like to do some stretching or yoga, some people just like to sit on the front porch with a cup of tea or coffee, some people like to journal, some people like to go for a leisurely walk in the park, and some people even like to pray.

    Leave a comment and tell me your favorite way to clear your mind. And while you’re down there, go ahead and like this episode if you’re watching on YouTube.

    Whatever practice works best for you, I think decluttering your mind before you start this act of self-reflection is very helpful.

    I’m only recently starting to incorporate daily meditation into my routine and it’s still a work in progress, but already I’m loving the clarity and the focus it brings me particularly after I’ve fallen into another doom-scrolling trap.

    I keep mine very basic: I’ll sit in a chair or sometimes I’ll lay on my bed or on a yoga mat on the floor, and I’ll do a deep breathing technique called box breathing which I learned from a friend of mine a while ago.

    In box breathing, you inhale, hold your breath, exhale, and them hold again, and you do each of those stages for a set duration of time — say 4 seconds.

    So it’s in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4, hold for 4.

    I do that for about 20 minutes with my eyes closed, and at the end, I open my eyes and can just feel my brain calming down.

    I’m able to focus on the task at hand, whether it’s work for my business or doing some self-reflecting.

    So I’m really excited to see how doing this on a consistent basis is going to help my focus and my personal development.

  3. Talk to a trusted friend or confidant about your realizations and thoughts.

    It’s a common misconception that self-reflection has to be done completely by yourself.

    And here’s a little tip for you socially awkward introverts who are listening: this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to start your next conversation with the intention of only talking about yourself and your problems, because a lot of times those topics will just come up organically.

    So maybe someone asks what’s on your mind, or what’s been going on with you lately, or something of that nature.

    When the opportunity does present itself for you to express your thoughts, I’ve found that people who actually want the best for you are going to make sure you’re on the right track and aren’t coming to the wrong conclusions.

    I know the term self-reflection suggests that it’s an act you do by yourself, but it’s not. The word “self” in the term simply implies that you are reflecting on your own thoughts, actions, and motives.

    So even though you may do part of it by yourself in your alone time, people outside of yourself who can see things you can’t see and notice behaviors that you don’t notice can really contribute to your breakthroughs and make self-reflection more productive for you.

    You might think you’re behavior is completely normal and reasonable to you, and when someone else hears you describe it, they’re like, “Woahhh!” You know? “You did what now?!”

    And they might keep you from making the situation even worse.

    And please do not make the mistake of only having what are called “yes people” in your life.

    If you only self-reflect with people who agree with everything you say and don’t want to hold you accountable, your personal growth is going to suffer.

    You need people in your life who are not going to tell you what you want to hear all of the time.

    They’re going to disagree with you sometimes (respectfully), they’re going to tell you their honest opinion because they know you need to hear it.

    Here’s a perfect example: I am on the autism spectrum which many of you listening may have heard me talk about before on the podcast and my YouTube channel.

    So naturally, I oftentimes find myself saying the wrong thing, behaving in a way that’s normal for me but is weird to other people, and doing things that aren’t being taken how I thought they would be taken.

    Now it’s gotten a lot better through the years with practice and experience, but it still happens.

    One common experience that many of us autistic people share is having to explain to your friends and acquaintances or maybe your family the various social situations and interactions that you’ve had so that you can make sure you’re interpreting things the right way and not misreading the situation.

    So like sometimes I’ll have a slight disagreement with someone at work, or I want to tell someone something but I don’t know if I’m the right person to say it or if there is an ideal time to say it, or I’m trying to navigate the chaotic world of dating right now which comes with a host of additional confusion on my part, or anything social-related, and a lot of times I have to ask the close people in my life if I’m interpreting things people say and do the right way, or if I made the right or wrong move in that situation at work, or if someone might misinterpret my intentions.

    In those cases, that allows me to self-reflect more productively because I can understand the situation from a different, non-autistic point of view — especially because most of the people who I encounter on a day to day basis outside of my coaching clients are not autistic.

    So that helps me a lot.

    And really, that’s the entire goal of my 1-on-1 coaching services for shy and awkward introverts many of whom happen to be autistic but not all; coaching sessions foster an environment for self-reflection that will help you progress along your social confidence journey.

    And I’m just there as a guide to listen to what’s going on in your life, provide you with some outside perspective on the situations in which you find yourself, and hopefully help you to self-reflect productively.

That’s it!

Those are my 3 tips for better self-reflection:

  1. Remove major distractions.

  2. Clear your head and calm your mind.

  3. Talk to a trusted friend or confidant about your thoughts and reflections.

So now at this point in the episode, I want to do exactly that; for just a few minutes, I want to create for you a space for self-reflection as a shy, socially anxious, and socially awkward introvert.

If you are already a socially confident introvert who listens to my podcast, feel free to leave this episode for now and come back next week for a new episode.

Alright, ready? Take a few deep breaths if you need to.

I want to start by asking you a series of questions that I really want you to think about and answer honestly (by the way, these are all questions that I had to ask myself at one point in my life, so just trust that these questions are coming from a good place):

Are you hiding behind your introverted personality?

Are you using your introversion as a shield behind which to hide your shyness and social anxiety?

Is your introversion becoming an excuse for you to remain shy and afraid to talk to people?

Are you really avoiding social events because you’re an introvert who needs some alone time, or are you avoiding them because you are nervous about talking to people and reading all of those social cues and handling group discussions and whatnot?

I want you to remember the last time you got invited to go out somewhere or had the opportunity to attend an event you actually wanted to attend:

Your cousin’s wedding, a date night with someone you were attracted to, a Christmas party, a small get-together, a conference, a networking event, or anything you were genuinely interested in attending.

I want you to remember how you felt in the moment you found out about the event.

If you are a generally self-confident introvert who was just feeling burnt-out socially, you might’ve felt a sense of dread or a slight downward mood shift, which is normal for introverts.

By the way, I’ll tell you all about managing introvert burnout in my next episode when I tell you about my recent work trip to Vegas.

But, if you are an introvert who struggles with social anxiety or shyness, you might have felt your stress levels shoot up and your heart start to race, because the thought of having to talk to someone freaks you out.

And you start telling yourself all of these false, made-up stories that you’re going to embarrass yourself by saying the wrong thing; you’re not going to know what to say or how to start a conversation; everyone’s going to reject you; no one’s going to want to talk to you; you’re going to wear the wrong thing and people are going to look at you weird; all of these made-up scenarios that you don’t even know are true or not.

Do you see the difference?

One is a matter of preference, and the other is a matter of fear.

Wouldn’t it be great if instead of your fear controlling your every move and decision, your confidence led the way instead?

If you no longer avoid social events that you actually want to go to because you’re scared at the thought of talking to people and looking people in the eye, and instead you only avoided them when you genuinely aren’t in the mood to socialize (like a true introvert)?

If instead of your introversion being a barrier between you and quality relationships, your introversion could be one of your greatest communication strengths?

And if instead of you thinking that you have to be this lively, charismatic extrovert to be socially confident, you could just be yourself and attract the kind of people who mesh well with your personality?

Well guess what, introvert?

That reality is not outside of your reach.

You can become a socially confident introvert without having to fake being someone you’re not.

You can become someone who exhibits and embodies what I call quiet confidence.

Quiet confidence is when you as an introvert are confident in your own abilities and communication strengths, and you can turn them on and use them when you need and want to, and then when it’s time for you to recharge with some much-needed alone time, you do exactly that.

Essentially, quiet confidence means you are not being controlled by a fear of social interactions, but instead by your genuine needs and preferences as an introvert.

That’s exactly what my 1-on-1 program, Communicate With Quiet Confidence, is tailored to do for you; you and I work together as a team to self-reflect on your thoughts, actions, and motives, and then come up with an actionable game plan you can follow to overcome your fear and nervousness around social interactions — none of which require you to act like an extrovert!

So, if you’ve already done the solo part of self-reflection during this episode and you’re now looking to talk about it with an unbiased third-party who has your best interest in mind — that’s me, your introverted social confidence coach — check the link in the bio to book your free call with me, and we can talk about your next steps towards becoming a socially confident version of yourself.

Or you can go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching, and you can read all about this program, and then you can book your free call with me from that page.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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