8 Valuable Lessons Introverts Can Learn From Extroverts (With Real-Life Stories)
If you’re introverted or shy like I am, you might agree with me when I say watching an extrovert in action is almost like you’re a Muggle witnessing a wizard perform magic.
I don’t mean in the sense that socializing with people is some innate skill only certain people can do, because I think anyone can learn how to fake being extroverted; I mean in the sense that socializing and thriving off of being social is a feeling so unnatural to us introverts, it’s a completely foreign concept.
No matter what opinions you have about extroverted people, there are actually some valuable things they can teach introverts. Check out these 10 lessons you can learn from the extroverted way of life that don’t require you to completely change you you are.
1. A Smile, a Nod, and a Little Eye Contact Makes People Feel Good
Introvert’s typically don’t initiate human interaction unless we absolutely have to. It’s not that we’re mean people or socially awkward; it’s just that our brains are not wired to go out looking for connections.
I can recall a pretty pivotal moment in my life a few years ago when I was walking through the aisles of the store, repping my normal — and most times unintentional — “resting bitch” face with no thought behind it. This older man who was leisurely strolling down the same aisle as me, flashed a friendly smile, and said “Hi, how are you?” Now, to give you some context, at the time I was 22 year-old Gen-Z-er in the year 2020 when this happened, and if you know anything about Gen-Z, we do not talk to random people in public; it’s almost like an unwritten rule for my generation. I was a little taken aback, as if he had told me someone in my family had passed away, and very confusingly said, “Good…?” When he saw the look of confusion on my face and heard the questioning tone in my voice, he half jokingly and half seriously exclaimed, “Aren’tcha gonna ask me how I am?! It’s like nobody wants to smile anymore!”
That moment stuck with me for a long time. Now at the time I’m writing this article (2023), I know there will likely be some people who say “That’s so misogynistic! Why would a man demand that you smile?!” and there will be others who think “People should really mind their own business,” but if I’m being honest with myself, I didn’t think either of those things; I genuinely thought he had a valid point, because after all, I couldn’t even remember the last I smiled at a stranger just to be nice.
After that moment, I made it a goal of mine to try and initiate social cues whenever appropriate instead of my usual avert-eye-contact-at-all-costs behavior. Here are a few ways I do that:
If I and another person are walking in opposite directions down the same grocery store aisle, I make eye contact, smile, and nod instead of looking straight ahead or staring at my phone.
If someone holds the door open for me, instead of a dry “Thanks” and a thin-lined smile, I smile with my teeth and say “Thank you!” with a little more energy.
If I’m going onto an elevator with one other person, instead of awkwardly pretending like they don’t exist and intentionally avoiding eye contact, I just smile and say “Hi, how are you?”
Get the idea? Doing simple things like the above may not always lead to lifelong relationships, but it makes people feel like they matter. Don’t we all want to feel like we matter?
If you happen to be an introvert who is socially awkward, you might enjoy my article How to Cope With Being a Socially Awkward Introvert.
2. Making Connections With People in Your Community Can Have Benefits
Introverts who tend to stay to themselves rarely make it a priority to meet make connections with people, whether it’s their neighbors or their coworkers. For example, if you’re as introverted as I am, you probably make it a point to avoid even getting the mail when the neighbors are outside. However, I have a personal story that really highlights the value of making connections in your community that specifically relates to being neighborly, featuring my dad - one of the most extroverted people I know.
In 2023, I really wanted to buy a house. Somewhere around August, I got a call from a realtor saying the home seller whom she was representing wanted me to have first priority on the house, so she was notifying me before the house even went on the market. You can imagine my surprise and utter excitement, but I was also very confused as to why someone who had never met me before would do something so wonderful. Long story short, the previous home owner who was a sweet, little old lady, had passed away, and because her son — the estate owner — had heard about the nice things my father had done for her while she was still living, and because he knew I had been saving up to buy a house for two years, he actually preferred that I buy the house from him instead of someone he didn’t know.
Now, I’m not promising that your neighbor will sell you their house if you’re nice to them, and I’m not saying you should only be nice to neighbors so that they’ll do stuff for you; the broader lesson here is that what you put out into your community, you will get out, so don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to your coworker when you see them at the coffee pot, or speak to your neighbor the next time you see them raking the leaves; you never know what kind of connections you can make.
3. Don’t Overthink Small Talk - Just Go with the Flow
Being an introvert doesn’t automatically make you socially awkward, but if you happen to an introvert that is socially awkward (like me), the best advice I have is to not overthink small talk.
In the past when I would go out with my extremely extroverted sister, I would get anxious because I knew she was the type to strike up a conversation with anyone she saw, which is basically an awkward introvert’s worst nightmare. However, after having witnessed her bubbly personality for my entire life, I’ve learned a thing or two about handling conversations and small talk; the main thing I learned is that small talk is not as big as introverts can make it out to be.
Here’s three simple rules I think every awkward introvert should know when engaging in pleasant small talk and conversation:
Small talk is simply a call-and-response. They say something, and you respond with something relevant to which they will then respond. No need to overthink it.
Here’s an example of a small conversation I had with someone at the grocery store recently:
I grab a bag of Split Peas from the shelf and look at briefly.
Woman passing by me in aisle: “You must be making split pea soup for dinner!”
Me: “I sure am! I need something to warm me up since it’s so cold outside.”
The woman: “That sure sounds good. I wish I could come to your house for dinner!”
Woman jokingly laughs.
I jokingly chuckle, and smile.
Woman walks away, still smiling.
You know the conversation is ending when there is nothing else relevant to respond with. That’s when you give them your well wishes, such as “Have a nice day,” or “Enjoy that coffee,” or “Enjoy your dinner,” or “Stay warm out there.”
The keywords here are “small” talk and “pleasant” conversation. Refrain from introducing big topics or veering off into a separate discussion; those skills should be reserved for longer conversations with a friend.
The fact that there isn’t really a formula for small talk can scare a lot of overthinkers off entirely, but not everything needs to be an exact science - just go with the natural ebb and flow, and you’ll be just fine!
I go over the basic rules of small talk in great detail in my article The Complete Guide to Social Aptitude for Awkward People.
4. Conversations With Random, Everyday People Can Improve Your and Their Mood
Introverts are known for keeping to themselves, and staying in their own heads, but I’ve found that every time I engage in pleasant conversation with someone, it never fails that I leave in a better mood. Here are few reasons why conversing with strangers is a mood booster:
When someone is willing to give up a few seconds or minutes of their day to acknowledge you, it makes you feel seen and cared for, and vice versa.
In an increasingly digital world where people think their phone screens are more important than human relationships, conversing with people helps to mend the seemingly lost art of human connection.
A few years ago, I was at the airport, waiting for the TSA agent to go through my suitcase. There was woman in front of me whose suitcase was already being searched through, and I noticed she was very somberly staring at two white candles that were placed on the desk, one of which had a picture of a very young woman above some text: “1997-2023”, and the other which had a picture of an older woman above similar text: “1965-2023.” I could clearly work out that two people close to this woman had died, and although I was empathetic to her situation, my shy, introverted personality just wouldn’t let me ask her anything. Well a few minutes had gone by, and another woman walks up and asks this woman about the candles. “Those are lovely. If I may ask, who are they for?” The woman goes on to say that her best friend and her daughter had both passed away in a tragic car accident. Not too soon after, she starts crying, and after some kind words were exchanged between the two women, they warmly hug. “Thank you so much - you don’t know how much I needed that today,” and off they went on their separate paths - likely never to meet again.
I’ll admit this story is probably a rare occurrence, but the point is you never know when just a few words of encouragement can help someone who is having a terrible day. You’ll also feel good that you were able to spread some joy to someone in need, all by just initiating a conversation.
5. Don’t Be Thwarted by People’s Rejection/Lack of Interest
Being around my extroverted friends and family has taught me that you can’t go through life worrying about who will reject you. Rejection is just a part of life, and when it happens, you can’t take it too personally; just pick yourself back up, and keep trying.
If you’re trying to be friendly to someone, and they don’t match your energy, there are probably a number of reasons why, and they may or may not have something to do with you:
Maybe they’re just having a bad day. There’s nothing you can do about that. At least you tried.
Maybe you did approach a social interaction poorly. If so, take their distaste as a lesson on what not to do, and then don’t do it in the future.
Maybe you’re just not compatible with whom you’re trying to socialize. Not everyone is for everyone, and that’s OK.
We must learn to overcome our persistent fears of rejection when socializing; just take it on the chin and move on.
6. Nobody Cares if You Say Something a Little Awkward
As an introverts, we have a tendency to hyperfocus on the things that went poorly in social situations. Maybe you said something a little awkward, not appropriate for the time and place, or maybe it didn’t make sense at all.
I promise, nobody cares as much as you do. While you’re still thinking about what less-awkward things you could’ve said, they’ve forgotten about it and moved on with their life.
Don’t sweat the small stuff; just try to do better next time. If you find yourself in awkward situations a lot, you might be interested in my free cheatsheet on how to recover gracefully from awkward moments, including real life examples from my life.
7. Just Appearing Confident Does 50% of the “Social Work” for You
One thing I’ve noticed about most extroverts is that they carry themselves with confidence. Whether it’s the way they dress, the way they walk, or the pleasant expression they have on their face, people can usually discern that they are a friendly, open presence to be around. This automatically opens them up to be interacted with by others, without even trying too hard.
Here are a few ways you can appear more confident:
Dress to impress. As hard as this may be to accept, people respect you more when you look like you care about yourself. So, try dress in a way that shows you love and care for yourself.
Look pleasant. If you walk around with a stoic expression all the time, people are going to assume you’re not a friendly person, and they will likely be closed off to you.
Walk with some purpose. Straighten your back, broaden your shoulders, uncross your arms, and hold your chin up. People can tell a lot about your confidence and willingness to socialize by the way you walk.
Of course just appearing confident is not the same as being confident, so if you need help with that, grab my FREE Quickstart Guide to Becoming a Confident Introvert, which will help you learn to be confident in your qualities as an introspective person.
8. Although Being Alone Is a Need for Introverts, It’s Not Good to Be Alone All of the Time
For introverts, solitude is a necessary part of our lives for the sake of our sanity and emotional stability, but it’s also important to nurture the relationships you do have in your life and to create a new ones if necessary so that your aloneness doesn’t turn into feelings of loneliness which can lead to negative affects on your mental and physical health.
Unlike extroverts, introverts have a tendency to unintentionally shut people out of our lives. For instance, because it’s generally not a priority for introverted people to initiate social invites to friends and family, some of them may not understand your introverted personality, and they can interpret your lack of interest in them as rejection, or a sign that you don’t enjoy their company. Because of this, it’s important that you take the initiative to check up on your friends and visit with them once in a while to let them know you still think about them.
What else do you think introverts can learn from extroverts? Let me know by contacting me via email, and don’t forget to sign up for my newsletter for more related content for introverts.
