How to Overcome Your Fears of Rejection as an Introvert
As a lifelong introvert myself with the added bonus of being awkward, I understand the reasonable and seemingly unwavering fears of rejection that can invade your mind daily:
“Why does it seem like no matter how hard I try, I just can’t fit in?”
“Do I have to fake being an extrovert just to make friends?”
“Will anyone like me for me?”
Don’t fret! There’s still hope that you can rid your psyche of the self-doubt and fears of rejection that introverts often face. In this article, I want to elaborate on some of those ways you can overcome your fears of rejection.
Here’s an overview of how to overcome your fears of rejection as an introvert:
Don’t force yourself onto people who don’t value your introspective ways
Understand that sometimes, you’ll have to come out of your shell
Don’t think of rejection as the end of the world; instead, think of it as a learning opportunity
Don’t let your past social experiences define your future ones
Find a healthy balance in your introvert-extrovert relationships
Build confidence in your introverted qualities
Don’t Force Yourself Onto People Who Don’t Value Your Quiet Nature
If you’re continuously placing yourself in situations with people who obviously don’t value your introversion, you’ll always fear rejection, because those types of people will always reject the true you.
Like most awkward young people just wanting to belong, a lot of my pre-teen and teenage years involved me futilely trying to fit in with people who I yearned to be like: the popular kids, the I’m-too-cool-and-pretty-to-be-seen-with-you kids, the everything-I-do-gets-admired kids. I remember how it felt when everything I said would immediately get shut down or ignored, followed by sideways glances towards each other that seemed to say, “Can you believe this girl is talking to us?”; and when everything I did would induce brazen laughter, as if I was just a clown at their circus, only for me to eventually except that I would never be like them, no matter how hard I tried.
Even in my young adult years in college, I can recall a few self-esteem-killing moments when I would try to socialize with extroverted people who I knew weren’t my cup of tea just as much as they knew I wasn’t theirs, including one particular moment freshman year of college when I was hanging out with a few people from one of the campus organizations of which I was a part. One girl in the group stated that she really enjoyed the book she was reading which was about a toxic love story, even though she jokingly admitted she didn’t want a toxic love story for herself. Well, as the typical, introverted person that I am, I casually went on to give a very introspective and thoughtful response, saying that she probably enjoyed it because as humans, we often like consuming media that caters to the worst aspects of human nature, including toxic love stories like the book she was reading. What happened after that? They laughed at me — all five of them, and continued on with the conversation as if I wasn’t even there.
At the time, excepting that I would never be able to hang with the cool kids was a tough realization to come to terms with, but after some growing up, I realized that I was trying to force my quiet, introspective personality into an extroverted space to which it didn’t belong.
Although there are some valuable lessons that introverts can learn from extroverts, you don’t need to try fit in with people who don’t see any value in what you have to offer as an introverted person. There are plenty of introverts and non-introverts out there that you can get along with without having to force it.
“Although introverts can sometimes doubt themselves, we must remember that we play an important role in the delicate equilibrium of introverted and extroverted energy; one cannot exist without the other, and there is great power in that balance.”
— Caroline Smith, Founder of The Introverted Misfit
Think of Rejection as a Learning Opportunity
Rejection is a part of life, and when it happens, you can’t always take it too personally; learn from the situation, pick yourself back up, and keep going.
When I tell you that every single living creature on this planet has experienced rejection in a multitude of ways, I’m not exaggerating, and introverts are no exception. But guess what? The world still spins and the sun still rises and sets.
You can’t go through life expecting everyone to accept you with open arms as nice as that sounds, but what you can do is use those moments of rejection as an opportunity to learn something:
You Can Learn Something About Yourself
Maybe you experience rejection in a particular social setting that isn’t conducive to your introverted personality, like a bar, or a nightclub, or a wedding reception: so you learn that it’s not in your best interest to try and make deep connections in those situations.
Maybe someone rejects you because you’re not “fun enough” for their extroverted personality: so you learn not to socialize with people who only see value in doing fun things rather than intimately learning each other.
You Can Learn Something From How Other People Respond to You
Maybe you tried to approach someone who you thought you’d hit it off with, but there were a lot of long, awkward pauses in the conversation: so you learn that you should practice your small talk skills.
Maybe you brought up a topic that was too deep and introspective for the person you’re talking to and they look at you strangely, so you learn you should work on sensing if the person is a like-minded introvert before introducing deeper-level topics too soon.
If you’re an introvert who hates and needs to brush up on your small talk game, download my FREE Guide to Small Talk for Awkward Introverts before leaving this article.
You Could Learn Nothing at All
Sometimes, people reject you because they’re just mean and don’t want to be bothered with you. When that happens, you really can’t let it get to you, even though it’s hard to ignore the thoughts of self-doubt.
Whatever rejection you may face when you’re trying to socialize, you can usually learn something from it, whether it’s something about your personality and preferences, or something you could improve regarding your social skills.
Don’t Let Your Past Social Experiences Define Your Future Ones
As introverts, we tend to hyperfocus on past social situations that made us feel rejected, but the past is the past, and that is where it will always be. We shouldn’t let that define our future.
You and I both have numerous stories of rejection from our past that still make us cringe, slap our foreheads, or even tear up. I know I’ve got a handful of stories from my past when I was in conversation with more extroverted people who valued the more external and superficial aspects of life; I remember trying to introduce some thoughtful, deeper perspectives about the topics we were discussing, only to be met with uninterested responses like “Hmm” and “Oh, cool,” which at the time really did a number on my self-esteem.
At some point, though, we must learn to let it go and move on with our lives. I know it stung when you’re middle school bully called you “weird” all those times, or when that group of cool kids laughed at a book you were reading at lunch time, or when someone you thought was your friend ditched you for someone they deemed more fun and exciting, but you’ve got your entire life ahead of you that’s bound to have people you’re compatible with.
The good thing about the future is that you can take the many lessons learned in the past with you, so that you can potentially avoid situations that may guarantee rejection, and you can better cope with being rejected when it inevitably happens (remember, everyone gets rejected at some point).
If you think you might need some help with your social skills, you might enjoy reading my article How to Cope With Being a Socially Awkward Introvert.
Find a Healthy Balance in Your Introvert-Extrovert Relationships
If you fear rejection from your extroverted friends, family members, and/or significant other, you both/all need to find a healthy balance of things that ensures no one feels ignored or rejected in the relationship.
Good relationships require sacrifice and compromise because whether we like it or not, not everyone is going to get their way all of the time. This means that sometimes both parties have to do things each may not be thrilled about for the benefit of the other.
Nowhere is this concept more relevant than in an introvert-extrovert relationship. For instance, the extroverted person in the relationship might want you to attend their birthday party, which sounds like a nightmare for your introverted personality, but you would probably do it because you know it’s important to them. On the same token, you might invite them to go on a long walk or go to the park to hang out, which they would probably do because they understand that you’re not into clubbing and partying like them.
The main expectation here is that all parties can compromise to ensure the other’s needs are being met in the relationship, and when everyone does this, ideally no one will feel left out. If you want to learn some more tips on how to nurture your relationships with extroverts, you might enjoy my article How Introverts and Extroverts Can Be Better Friends.
Build Confidence in Your Introverted Qualities
The most effective way to overcome your fears of rejection as an introvert is to make sure you’re not lacking in self-confidence because when you have faith in your God-given strengths, abilities, and qualities, you’ll walk through the world not doubting what you have to offer.
Think about a job interview: if you walk in with the appearance of low confidence with your shoulders hunched, your eyes glued to the floor, your steps slow and unsure, and your voice quiet and timid, the interviewer is probably not going to want you as part of their team. Why do you think that is? It’s because if you don’t show confidence in yourself, you don’t show confidence in your work and the qualities you have to offer the company, which will likely lead to a rejection of your job application.
It’s a similar concept with being rejected as an introvert: when you walk through the world doubting your purpose and value as an introvert, it’s expected that fears of rejection will overtake your mind because once people sense that you doubt yourself, they’ll begin to doubt you, too, even if you do have valuable qualities to offer. It’s almost like you’re saying, “I’m sorry for burdening you with my presence.”
That’s why it’s crucial that you work on building your self confidence bit-by-bit. I know that sounds easier than it is, but there are a plethora of tools out there tailored to help introverts just like you find confidence in their qualities. If you are interested in how to build your confidence as an introvert, grab my FREE Quickstart Guide to Becoming a Socially Confident Introvert , which will help you learn to be confident in your qualities as an introspective person, and use that confidence to socialize with just about anyone.
Have you found other ways that have helped you overcome rejection, and how do you implement them in your daily life? Let me know!
