How Introverts and Extroverts Can Be Better Friends
While introverts and extroverts often have different needs in any relationship, there are a few things they can do to ensure each is satisfied with friendship, including understanding each other’s differences, finding a healthy balance between each other’s preferred activities, defining your friendship on deeper values rather than just what activities you can do together, and communicating about any misunderstandings either of you may have.
If you’re involved in an introvert-extrovert friendship, you’re probably aware of the multiple issues that can occur in such a relationship: one thinks the other is too boring to hang with and spends too much time alone, and one thinks the other is too fond of being around a bunch of people all of the time and can’t be content with being in solitude. If you’re not careful, issues like these can start to cause a rift in the friendship, but the good news is there’s still hope for introverts and extroverts to get along and be better friends.
Understand Each Other’s Personality Differences
The key to a healthy introvert-extrovert friendship is understanding that each of you has a different, often opposing personality depending on where you both fall on the spectrum of introversion and extroversion. An introvert is defined as a quiet, reserved person who tends be introspective and enjoys spending time alone. An extrovert is defined as an unreserved person who enjoys and actively seeks out social interaction. Just by comparing those two definitions, you can see where the opposition can come into play.
As a lifelong introvert myself who grew up with an extroverted, larger-than-life sister, I know how frustrating it can be when those opposing personalities clash: I never understood her innate need to speak to any and everyone who would listen, no matter where we went; and she never understood my natural tendency towards being quiet and my aversion to starting conversations with people, even ones that I knew. It turns out that scientifically, introverts and extroverts have differently-wired brains in the following ways:
The prefrontal cortex is thicker in an introvert’s brain than an extrovert’s; this means there is more tissue in the area of the brain associated with decision-making and deep thought. As Dr. Lisa MacLean, M.D, Henry Ford Health psychiatrist put it, “Since extroverts have thinner matter in the prefrontal cortex, they process information quickly and tend to react impulsively compared to introverts, who mull things over before deciding on a course of action.”
While introverts and extroverts have the same amount of dopamine in their brains, extroverts have a more active dopamine reward network. For example, when extroverts prepare for a party, they feel motivated, energized, and excited, while introverts may feel less enthusiasm — or a sense of dread — under similar circumstances.
Acetylcholine is linked to pleasure like dopamine; however, unlike dopamine, acetylcholine makes a person feel good when they’re calm, quiet, and introspective — and introverts tend to have more acetylcholine receptors in their brains than extroverts. In a calm environment, introverts are able to reflect and focus on the task at hand without a lot of external noise.
Once we can learn each others differences, not on a scientific level as the previously stated statistics indicate but on a personal level, introverts and extroverts can be much better friends and appreciate each others personality differences.
Find a Healthy Balance Between Each Other’s Preferred Activities
Any healthy relationship involves compromise on a number of different aspects, and in terms of an introvert-extrovert relationship, that may include what activities you both decide to do.
Because introverts and extroverts tend to have different interests, it’s not uncommon for friends to struggle with what they should do when they hang out. For instance, an extroverted person might want to do something that involves a lot of people where they can socialize, like a music festival or a party, while an introverted person might prefer to do something more quiet and with much fewer people, like a hike, a music lounge, or a long conversation about deep topics. In order for a friendship like this to work, all parties involved need to learn the art of compromising. This means that even though the introverted person may not want to attend their extroverted friend’s birthday bash because of the crowd and the loud atmosphere, they may need to attend just to show that they care for their friend; and even if the extroverted friend doesn’t always feel like talking about more deep, introspective topics in a one-on-one scenario, they should do it once in a while to appease their friend if they value the relationship.
It’s all about balance, because if one person is compromising drastically more than the other, then the friendship likely won’t be much fun for at least one person. I’ve certainly been in some situations with extroverts where I’ve tried to put myself out there and participate in activities they want to do, and every time I try to bring up a more introspective point of view or conversational topic, it’s like they just gloss over it without even entertaining the conversation; consistent occurrences like that can really harm your self esteem, so it’s important that all parties in the friendship have a vested interest and are intentional about making sure no one feels left out.
Define Your Friendship on Deeper Values Rather Than Solely Activities
Just because introverts and extroverts often have differing preferences in activities doesn’t mean you can’t have deeper shared values that override the superficial differences. So, if possible, try connect on what core values you both have.
I think it’s a misconception that friendships must always be about things like what you both can do together, what hobbies you have in common, how much time you both like spending together, and other aspects of a friendship that have nothing to do with your true, core values.
One of my good friends since the sandbox is one of the most extroverted people I know compared to my very introverted personality, and although we used to spend lots of time playing together as children, we’ve since grown up and matured enough to realize that we can still care about each other and hang out every now and then despite our vastly different interests. In fact, we only see each other once every few months, and each time it’s like we never even spent time apart; we can talk about everything under the sun, from the weather, what we’re doing this summer, or what new recipes we’ve tried, to life, death, relationships, our dreams, and our purpose in life.
So the next time you think your introvert-extrovert friendship is not working out because of activity preferences, consider that you don’t always have to base a friendship on activities, shared interests, and how much time you spend on the phone; it’s possible to create healthy relationships with people based on deeper-level aspects of life.
Communicate About Any Misunderstandings or Disagreements
Communication is a crucial part of any relationship, and in introvert-extrovert relationships, communicating when either party feels misunderstood or ignored can yield better friendships.
We’ve covered earlier in this article that introverts and extroverts have differently wired brains in terms of the value placed on deep thought and decision-making, how their dopamine reward system is set up, and how levels of the neurotransmitter acetylcholine contribute to feelings of calm and quiet in introverts in ways that are not as prevalent in extroverts. Considering this difference, it can be difficult for each friend to empathize with what makes the other happy, so if you misunderstand something or disagree with something in the relationship, talking about it can sometimes resolve these issues.
If you feel that the other person isn’t being considerate of your feelings in the same way you are to them, let them know; or if you want to let them know you want to be better about understanding their point of view, talk about it; the other person’s response to your concerns will let you know how to proceed from there.
Recognize the Valuable Lessons That Each Can Learn From the Other
Despite the many differences between introverts and extroverts, there are some important qualities that can be learned from both perspectives.
Some valuable lessons that introverts can learn from extroverts include:
Small talk is nothing to be afraid of as long as you don’t overthink it.
While being alone is normal and preferred for introverts, it’s not good for your health to be alone all of the time.
Conversations with people you don’t know can positively impact your and their mood.
Don’t let your fears of rejection get in the way of making some valuable, long-lasting relationships.
Some valuable lessons that extroverts can learn from introverts include:
Just because you like to be alone sometimes doesn’t make you weird or a loner.
You don’t always have to be surrounded by people to find value in your life.
Some of the most valuable lessons you’ll learn in life can occur to you when you’ve had time to be alone with your thoughts without the distraction of others around.
Do you have any introvert-extrovert friendships or relationships that could benefit from the tips in this article? Or do you have any tips you think should be added to this post? Let me know; I love hearing stories from readers like you!
