Nobody Cares as Much as You Think (And That’s a Good Thing)

Written By Caroline Smith

Sometimes, we can convince ourselves that people care about our mistakes, failures, and insecurities more than they actually do. As a result, we are hesitant to try new things, pursue relationships, and live in our purpose because we are afraid of what people may say.

Here’s the good news: Nobody cares as much as you think they do, and that gives you permission (with some important exceptions) to live your life the way you want and need to live it.

Here’s what I talk about in this week’s podcast episode:

  • How the realization that nobody cares about you that much can be the most liberating advice

  • What’s at the root of your obsession with other people’s opinions of you

  • Some important exceptions to this advice that should be considered

Listen on Your Favorite Streaming Service:

Resources

Transcript:

Hello to all of you misfits who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

I am so sorry about missing last week’s podcast episode, but I have actually been out of town in Texas visiting family and also doing some business-related things, and I did try to record this podcast episode while I was there, but it was in this really empty room and my voice was echoing quite a bit.

So I decided to just wait until I was back at my own computer with my fancy podcasting mic so that I could give you an episode with much better sound quality.

(It’s not really that fancy but it’s a lot better than my laptop’s microphone.)

Anyway, I am kinda salty that I spent all that time recording and editing it only not to use the footage, but that’s life, I suppose.

Today, I want to talk about some advice that may not sound very good on the surface, but that has completely changed my life.

Has anyone ever said to you, “Nobody cares about you that much,” or maybe, “Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are?”

Maybe they’ve said this to you when you’re about to give a speech or a presentation and you’re getting really worked up and nervous. So someone calmly says to you, “This is nothing to worry about. Nobody is going to be thinking about this as soon as they walk out this room.”

Or maybe you’ve just said something really awkward and cringe-y in front of some people, and you called your friend to tell them about it, and they reassure you that everything will be OK by insisting, “Nobody even cares! They’ve already forgotten what you said that was so awkward!”

I used to hate this advice mostly because of how it can be misinterpreted.

Depending on what your mental state and your life experiences are, you could hear that advice and really start to internalize it and believe that there is no one out there who cares about you and your well-being.

So let me just go ahead and dispel this misinterpretation, especially because I know many of my listeners are autistic like me and can sometimes take things very literally.

This advice does not literally mean that no one cares about you and how you’re doing.

Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your significant other (hopefully if you’ve chosen the right one), your church family, God:

There are people out there who care about you — and if that’s not the case, you can find them, but that is not the focus of today’s episode.

The focus of this episode is to show you that generally, nobody is watching, judging, and thinking about every little thing you do and say, and hopefully I can convince you that this is some of the most liberating advice you will ever hear.

So let’s get into it!

As someone who used to suffer with social anxiety, I used to care a lot about what people thought about me. Too much.

I mean, the definition of social anxiety could be “a state of caring too much about what other people think of you.”

Basically.

Because social anxiety is an intense fear of judgement, embarrassment , and rejection from others, so much so that you are afraid of talking to people.

My hyper fixation on other people’s opinion of me was ruining my social life and consequently, my life in general.

Because honestly, what kind of a life is a life with no friends or social connections all because you’re scared of talking to people?

Everybody needs quality relationships — whether you’re introverted, autistic, neither, or both.

I thought people cared about what I said and what I did so much that I was afraid to disagree with people because I thought they wouldn’t like me anymore.

I was afraid to have a conversation with someone because I just knew I would say the wrong thing that would make people side-eye me;

I was nervous about wearing a dress and dressing up because I had all of these ideas about what people might think or say about me.

I mean, you know how women can be sometimes:

“Oh, why would she wear those shoes with that dress?”

“She must think she’s cute or something.”

I was afraid to speak up during those team meetings at work because I was worried I would make a mistake or sound stupid.

Whenever I would make a mistake or say the wrong thing in a social setting — especially if it was in a group setting —- I would stop participating in the conversation altogether because I would get so embarrassed, and I was convinced that everyone else was holding this one mistake against me and they didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

Completely delusional, I know, but that’s what social anxiety does to you.

When you care too much about what people think, you become afraid to live your life.

You’re never going to start that business you want to start because of what people may say, or pursue that new career opportunity that will make you more fulfilled or make you more money, because you care too much about people’s opinions.

I once had a client who struggled a lot with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD, which is common among autistic people.

RSD is an overreaction to perceived or actual rejection.

So basically, in the face of rejection or even where there is no rejection, your brain is going to find a way to be offended and overreact:

So someone was a harmless joke about you that they didn’t think would offend you, and you take it really personally.

Someone side-eyes you or maybe doesn’t respond to something you said as enthusiastically as you thought they would, and you think they hate you or don’t want to talk to you anymore.

Those are a few examples. Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever experienced RSD before.

So this client was really nervous about going rock climbing with a friend of theirs because they thought other people — more experienced rock climbers — were going to judge them and basically pick her form apart.

So this client couldn’t even go on a fun outing with a friend because they were so worried about what other people were thinking, when in reality, everyone else was just there to enjoy themselves.

They likely were not going to focus on this client and her newbie mistakes at all.

Maybe the instructor would focus on this person, as they should because they are there for the rock climbers’ safety, but not regular people who were just there to rock climb.

The truth is that as long as your decisions don’t negatively affect others, most people don’t care as much as you think they do.

They are far too busy worrying about what’s going on in their own lives.

They’re worrying about a bad breakup they just had.

They’re worrying about how they’re going to pay their next bill.

They’re worrying about their teenage son who got into some trouble at school.

They have way too many things going on in their own lives to be sitting around and nitpicking every little thing you do.

Most people — don’t — care!

And here’s why that can be some of the most liberating advice for you: You have permission to go after what you know is for you, because again, people don’t care that much.

If you want to try a new hobby, but you’re worried that you won’t be any good or that people will make fun of you, do it anyway.

If you have a solid business idea that you know is good, but you’re too afraid of what people might say, there is no shame in trying.

If you are in over your head financially because you bought a car that is wayyyyyy too expensive for your budget (very common in America, by the way), and you know the best thing is for you is to downgrade to a more affordable car, stop worrying so much about what people may think and do what you know you need to do.

Nobody cares that much.

They may talk about it, or gossip about it, but that’s it — past those few words they say about you, they are not going to invest any serious energy into what you’re doing with your life.

Now, are there exceptions to this advice? Of course there are.

There are exceptions to most rules in life.

There are some things you do in your life — some decisions you will make — in which you should care about other people’s opinions, or you should at least consider what others have to say.

If you’re doing something that is harming someone else, whether intentionally or unintentionally, people have a right to care about what you’re doing and tell you how they feel.

Or, you know that feeling when you’ve found a new love interest, and you’re just head other heels for them — even when you know deep down that they are not the right person for you, and your best friend or family member is trying to tell you in the nicest way that you may want to rethink this;

This might not be the kind of person you want to be involved with. Right?

They’re pointing out all of the red flags that you can’t see right now because you’ve got the love blinders on, and it seems like everyone in your life is telling you the exact same thing?

That may be an exception to this rule.

Or maybe you have been known to make very impulsive decisions in the past, and so the people in your life are trying to warn you and give you some perspective about your decisions.

I know for me when I first founded The Introverted Misfit, including the podcast, my coaching services, and my brand in general, the first person who came to me with those challenging questions was my dad.

It’s been that way my whole life — every time I have a new idea or want to try something new, here comes my dad to make me question everything.

It’s a good kind of questioning, though, and it’s from a place of sincere concern.

There are many exceptions, which is why it’s really important for you to have self-awareness and some reliable mentors/friends/etc. who can steer you in the right direction.

I just needed to add that quick disclaimer because I know how the internet works where you can say one thing and it gets taken out of context and then people misunderstand your intent, but let’s get back to talking about the primary focus: Caring too much about what people think.

I want to now talk about the source of this obsession — this hyper fixation — on what other people think of you.

The root of the problem is that you don’t really value yourself.

Or I might even go as far as to say, you don’t really love yourself enough.

You don’t have enough confidence or trust in yourself, your abilities, your ideas, and your talents, and as a result, you are quick to let other people determine your worth.

So someone questions or challenges an idea that you have and you internalize it as you not being smart enough.

Someone is jealous of your drive your ambition, so they start saying negative things about you and because you’re not secure within yourself, you believe them.

So even though most people don’t really care that much, you are so insecure within yourself that you tend to think people are judging you, criticizing your every move, and just waiting on you to fail.

Well here’s the key point that I want you to walk away with: Even if people are judging you, talking about you, criticizing you behind closed doors, you do not need to prove anything to anyone except for you and God.

So if you are making decisions in your life for you, your family, and the people you know and love, and you know it’s what needs to be done, you have to stop obsessively worrying about what others will say and think.

I remember when my idea for this podcast was still just a thought.

I hadn’t told anyone about it, and I was so nervous to publish my first episode because I was thinking to myself, “Who am I to be a podcaster?” “Who in the world wants to listen to what I have to say?” “Everybody has a podcast these days. What makes you so special?”

And I remember telling myself that it’s not worth it to start a podcast because I’m never going to get hundreds of thousands of followers and views like the bigger names.

And I was convinced that other people would think the same things about me, too.

I thought they would check out my podcast, see that it doesn’t have thousands of followers and listeners just yet, and they would say, “Oh this little podcast isn’t worth anything.”

Well guess what?

I did it anyway, because I know the true intentions I have for my podcast, and I know that I don’t need to have a ton of followers and listeners for it to be impactful.

And in reality, no one has ever said anything outright negative about my podcast to my face.

They may have said something about it when I’m not around, but never to my face.

You know why?

Because most people don’t care enough about what I’m doing to go out of their way and say those things to me.

The ones who do care and listen and support me, we do talk about it.

And if I ask them, they will even give me some constructive criticism about it.

But the ones who don’t really listen and support and care that much (which doesn’t bother me at all — if the podcast isn’t for you, then it’s just not for you), it usually never comes up in discussion.

And we just go on with our lives.

Just do what you need to do and want to do with good intentions in mind, know when it’s time to course-correct, and you will be fine.

This is your life you have to live. No one else has to live it for you and experience the consequences of your decisions or lack thereof.

So their opinions can only have as much meaning in your life as you allow them to have.

Now, if you’re one of those introverted misfits who has listened to what I had to say and you feel empowered to start living in your purpose without caring what people think, that’s fantastic!

And I hope it’s resonating with you enough for you to hit the like and subscribe button, and to share this episode with someone you know needs to hear it.

But, I know there are some of you listening who heard everything I said, and yet you’re still struggling to apply it in your life.

You’re one of those shy, socially anxious introverts who cares wayyyyyy too much about what other people think of you, and it’s greatly affecting your ability to not only form and maintain relationships, but to just… live your life.

Because you’re afraid of judgement and rejection, you may be too nervous to start a conversation with someone.

So relationships never have a chance to form.

And when you do manage to start the beginnings of a new friendship or acquaintance or romantic relationship, something happens.

You don’t follow through with the relationship; you don’t ever reach out to the other person because you’re convinced they don’t like you, or maybe they said something that offended you or you said something that offended them, but because you’re too worried about making the other person have a negative opinion of you, you never address the issue.

And so, as usual, the relationship fizzles out.

Those are the kinds of relationships or lack thereof you get when you are overly obsessed with what other people think of you.

Your life does not have to continue down this path if you don’t want it to.

You can become a socially confident introvert without having to act like someone you’re not.

You can build your self-confidence and your since of self-worth to a point where other people’s opinions of you don’t cripple you and control your every move.

That’s part of what I help shy and awkward introverts like yourself (or someone you know) accomplish.

I help introverts who are so fearful of rejection or being embarrassed or judged that they can’t find the confidence to socialize and talk to people.

You see, as a shy and awkward introvert, it’s likely that someone or some situation has taught you that people are thinking about your mistakes and your insecurities as much as you think about them, but in reality, people don’t care about those things as much as you care about them.

Once you can internalize that and really understand it, that when things will start to change for you.

You will be able to start making mistakes confidently so that you can become a socially confident version of yourself, and that’s exactly what my my program, Communicate With Quiet Confidence is all about helping you do.

If you want to talk with me more about how I can help you, book your free Connection Call with me using the link in the description of this episode, or you can go to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching to read more about my program and my services.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

Connect With Caroline:

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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Is Your Introverted Personality Holding You Back? Here’s What to Do About It