The Illusion of Lasting Change: Overcoming Setbacks in Life

Written By Caroline Smith

Have you ever been doing really well in a certain area of your life and making major improvements, only to one day backslide and fall back into old ways, then you find yourself right back where you started?

That’s what can happen when you believe the illusion of lasting change, which is the idea that you can have the life you want and the lasting results you want forever without having to work for it. That’s not how real life works. Nothing is permanent unless you do the work to make those things last — including making it through life’s unavoidable setbacks. That’s what this week’s episode is about.

Here are the high points I talk about:

  • Being intentional about maintaining the things you want in life, like health, happiness, and well-being — even amidst the unexpected setbacks

  • Why you should expect and prepare for many ups and downs along the road to success

  • 3 ways you can push through life’s setbacks: community, perseverance, and keeping your eyes on the prize

Listen on Your Favorite Streaming Service:

Resources

Transcript:

Hello to all of you misfits who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

First things first, I am finally back home from my trip to Texas where I witnessed the birth of my newest little nephew, and all I can say is, “Wow.”

I truly feel like I got to witness one of nature’s greatest miracles.

I have never seen anything like it.

I have a newfound respect for mothers and nurses in general, but particularly labor and delivery nurses, because I could never do what they do.

I actually got a little lightheaded towards the beginning and I had to sit down and gather myself before I could keep watching.

But once I was able to get myself together and watch this little baby be born, it was such an amazing thing to witness.

And then yesterday, I ran my very first 5K with one of my cousins — the I Am a Father 5k in Atlanta, GA.

Now I really should say I walked my first 5k, because I did a lot more fast walking than I did running, but it’s a start.

It was perfect weather, and a lot of fun.

Now that I’m back home, it’s back to business, which brings me to the main topic of this week’s episode: setbacks in life and how to overcome them.

Have you ever been doing really well in a certain area of your life, only to one day backslide and fall back into old ways?

And you find yourself right back where you started?

That’s certainly happened to me a few times.

About 4 years ago in 2021, I injured my lower back pretty badly.

I wasn’t doing anything crazy, like weight lifting some insane amount.

I was actually doing something that you and many other people do everyday: Sitting.

Sitting for way too long while having very poor posture.

I have a desk job, after all.

Well, I began to notice my lower back starting to hurt really badly over the period of a month or so, but then the straw that broke the camel’s back came when I tried to lift something heavy — a potted cucumber plant that had about 10 gallons of soil in it.

It was like something snapped or broke, and from that point on, the pain was really unbearable.

For months, it felt like someone stuck a knife in my spine and just left it there.

I couldn’t stand for more than a couple of hours, or sit for more than 30 minutes before my back would start burning.

So some more months pass, and it does get better, slowly but surely.

And I do mean slowly, because I don’t know if y’all know anything about the spine and the spinal discs, but I recently learned that there is very little blood supply flow that occurs naturally to the discs between your spinal vertebrae, which means disc injuries take a lot longer to heal completely.

So of course, I think I’m doing good once the pain has mostly gone away, and I get a little ahead of myself.

And what do I do?

I try to move a very heavy tree limb that a storm left in my backyard.

To make things worse, I was not properly hinging from my hips to protect my back.

You know how you’re not supposed to round your back when your lifting or dragging something heavy?

I was rounding it wayyy too much.

The next day, I immediately regretted my decision, because when I tell you after 8 months of my body doing its best to heal, I ruined it in just 30 minutes!

I felt like such an idiot, because now I had to repeat the healing process for nearly a year.

I had to invest in a standing desk to do my work because standing and moving around was the best way to manage my pain.

And I think there was 1 more incident that interrupted the healing process, but the picture I’m trying to paint here is that what should’ve taken a solid year to fully heal ended up taking almost 4 years, all because I kept getting cocky too soon and thought I could do more than I actually could.

I fell into the illusion of lasting change.

The illusion of lasting change is the myth that everything will be all well and good all of the time without you having to constantly work on it and be smart about your decisions.

Believing this myth is what causes us to slack off on things we should be doing, and then we wonder why our life isn’t changing.

Regarding my lower back, there was no good reason for me to believe that my back would remain permanently healed if I continued with my bad habits of sitting for too long with no standing breaks, not getting any exercise, and lifting/doing yardwork without proper form.

That’s how I think other setbacks in life work, too.

You’re doing really well and improving in one area of your life, or maybe you’re just nailing life in general, but then something happens that lets you know this could all go downhill again if you’re not careful.

Whatever is; Maybe you’re trying to quite drinking or smoking.

Maybe you’re trying to maintain those healthy lifestyle changes you made for New Year’s so you don’t completely fall off the wagon.

Maybe you’re trying fix your relationships or your marriage.

It could be anything.

One too many steps in the wrong direction, and you’ll start to see things get worse.

Now at this point, some of you listening may be thinking, “This is kind of a doom and gloom message. I don’t want to hear about how the good things in my life can be taken away from me,” but Misfits, this is reality.

And reality must be dealt with.

Besides, I think this message can be an encouraging reminder that you have more control over the trajectory of your own life than you think.

It’s like those motivational speakers you hear say, “Success is not linear.”

Or the therapists who say, “Mental health progress is not linear.”

I certainly know a lot about that as someone who struggled with social anxiety which I’ll get to a little later.

But all of that stuff is true.

If you want a certain type of life, or you have a long-term goal you want to accomplish, you cannot let temporary setbacks get in the way of your overall success.

As I’m talking about setbacks, I’m reminded of a story of resilience that recently occurred in my family’s life and that is technically still going on.

Earlier this month, May 7, 2025 to be exact, my mom completed her final round of chemotherapy and radiation.

She found out she had Stage 2 Breast Cancer in October of 2024, which has been such raincloud over our family.

I remember when she first sat us all down to tell us about her diagnosis, and I was in such shock that I was speechless.

All I could do was stare at the floor in disbelief.

You never think it can happen to you or your loved ones until it actually does.

In addition to being a major health scare for her, it put a damper on my mom’s retirement plans.

She had already been retired for a few months at the time of her diagnosis, and she and my dad were really looking forward to enjoying her new free time, and then she got cancer — something that I think no one is ever prepared to hear.

It was one of the biggest setbacks of her and our lives.

That entire 8 month period of chemo and radiation was full of many lows:

The trips to the E.R. when she got sick between treatments, the weakness and depression, and of course, that dreaded moment when her hair started coming out.

But I think the most admirable thing I got to witness along her journey was her perseverance in the face of something so terrible.

On the days she could manage to stand up and walk around, she still tried to do everything in her daily life: Cook, exercise, go for a walk when she felt like it and when it wasn’t too hot outside, and try to stay busy.

And doing that really kept her mind occupied and kept her spirits up.

Her story is a beautiful reminder of how things can be going along really well for you, and then one day that can change for the worse — unexpectedly —- and somehow, you’ve got to pick up the pieces and move forward.

Otherwise, that setback will turn your life upside down.

So how can you stay motivated during these setbacks?

I think you need 3 main things:

  • Community

  • Perseverance

  • The ability to keep your eyes on the prize

1. Community

Having the right community — good people in your corner — is one of those important things in life that cannot be overstated, especially when it comes to enduring setbacks.

When you are going through those low moments in life, it is so encouraging to have someone in your life who understands you, cares about what you’re going through, and doesn’t mind heling out when they can.

It really keeps you going.

Setbacks are unavoidable; they are going to happen at some point or another, and when they do, your community is going to keep you going.

They’re going to give you a word of encouragement, a hug if you’re into hugs, a pick-me-up, and sometimes just a listening ear.

Sometimes, it’s not just the feel-good stuff they can offer you; sometimes it’s more practical, tangible things.

I remember listening to a podcast episode where this woman was talking about her experience with being laid off during the Covid-19 shutdowns, and do you want to know how she ended up finding another job?

It was through her network — her professional community!

Over her corporate career, she had built up a network of professionals, and so when she needed a new job, she started asking around and someone was able to put her in touch with someone else who was hiring.

As an entrepreneur myself, or really a solopreneur, I can admit that I greatly underestimated the importance of networking — especially early on.

I would even say I was a little delusional, because I had never really been exposed to the world of owning a business, but I had this completely false idea that I could just start a business, put up the website, make some business cards, and the clients would find me.

That is NOT how it works, as I found out after about a year of starting my brand, and as soon as I started to network, go to conferences, go to local events, and actually talk to people about my business and my experience, that’s when I saw things start to change for me.

I had finally realized the true value of a strong community and a strong network of not just professionals, but of people, because people know people.

People know people who you don’t know, and you never know if those people who you haven’t met yet are the type of people who can help you out, not just in business but in life.

The point is, whatever setback you’re going through, you do not want to go through it all alone.

It’s unnatural.

I strongly believe that we were designed to live life with help and a supportive community beside us.

Life is already hard enough, so why would you want to do it all alone?

2. Perseverance

Cliche, I know, but it’s true.

The ability to keep going in the face of difficulty.

You can’t go over it; you can’t go around it; you have to go through it, and that takes perseverance.

My lower back pain is a lot better now and is still on the mend from my most recent setback about 9 months ago, but I remember when it was still freshly injured — or should I say reinjured — and that was some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life.

And there was literally nothing I could do to escape it for at least 1 month.

In fact, on the way to my doctor appointments, I had to lay down in the backseat of the car while my mom drove me, because sitting down for longer than 30 minutes was unbearable.

And for that month where the wound was still fresh, I kinda just had to deal with it until the pain lessened to a point where I could at least manage it with walking and laying down, and then over the period of about 9 months the intensity lessened and lessened.

I wouldn’t have been able to do that without a strong mental state that helped me push through those months, especially the first few months, and the willpower to do what needs to be done right now so that things will get better in the future, which leads me to my third and final point.

3. Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize

You have to know that there is something better for you on the other side of this setback.

In my mom’s case, one of the main reasons she was able to persevere through that awful battle with cancer was because she knew at the end of it would be life, and hopefully a caner-free status, so that she could live out the rest of her life and retirement enjoying er grandkids, her family, vacations, and everything else life has to offer.

When I was trying to make it through that back pain while it was at its worst, I still had to move around, do laundry, do dishes, cleanup, and do my spine stabilization and strengthening exercises, because I knew from talking to my doctor that laying down and sitting all day would ultimately make the problem worse.

So I had to keep that final goal in mind — the final goal being a life free from chronic back pain and a much stronger back so that the problem didn’t come back.

Every time I had to pick something up from the floor or do my daily chores, or anything that required me to bend forward, I had to be very mindful about keeping my spine and my core straight and hinge from the hips.

And it was so annoying to have to constantly think about my lifting form, and for a while it seemed pointless because there was no immediate gratification for the first few months; the pain took a long time to considerably get better.

But I kept my eyes on the prize, and I’d say it’s paying off all these months later.

It’s still not completely healed, because I learned my lesson last time about doing too much too soon, but it’s getting there.

That is how I believe you can overcome the various setbacks that happen in life and how you can avoid being fooled by the illusion of lasting change.

There are a lot of negative people who like to say, “Good things never last.”

You know, those people who are on their second or third divorce and they just can’t seem to make love work, or those people who are jealous of you and your accomplishments and they try to convince you that it’s never going to last — you’re going to fail eventually.

Well, I think good things can last when you are intentional about making them last — barring a few exceptions, of course.

There are exceptions to every rule, but generally, the good things in your life — the positive changes that you make — can and will last if you are intentional about making them last.

If you’re doing the actions every day, week, month that are necessary to sustain your life and overcome the temporary setbacks that will inevitably happen, you can live a very content, dare I say happy life.

Even if it’s a setback that you have no real control over, like my mom’s cancer diagnosis, you do the best you can with what you’ve got, and you keep going.

All of this talk about setbacks reminds me of my long journey of overcoming social anxiety.

That journey did NOT look like a straight, upward line.

It looked more like a squiggly line that eventually led upward, until I no longer had social anxiety.

There were so many ups and downs.

There were periods of time when I would be more fearless than others when it came to talking to people and putting myself in social settings, but then there were other times when I would regress and go right back to avoiding social interactions, and I don’t really know why.

It just happened sometimes.

I guess you could call it growing pains.

I pushed through the growing pains, and eventually came out on the other side being much more socially confident, even while being an introverted misfit.

And would you believe me if I told you that even nowadays, there are periods of time when I go a long time — weeks or maybe a month — without talking to someone other than my mom and dad, especially since I work from home, and sometimes when I have an event to go to for my business or just to be social, I notice that I feel kind of nervous.

And I’m thinking to myself, “Wait a minute, didn’t I already get over this? Why am I nervous about this again?”

But, I make a commitment to going to the event and talking to people, and I realize I was getting all scared for nothing.

So believe me when I tell you that lasting change with no work really is an illusion — a fairytale.

If you grew up in church or in a Christian household, you’ve probably heard the Bible verse, “Faith without works is dead,” which is James 2:17, which essentially means you can have all of the faith and hope you want to have, but if you’re not doing the work to make it happen, it’s useless.

Now, maybe you’re a really shy and awkward introvert whose tired of wishing, hoping, and praying that things get better.

You’re tired of thinking, “Why doesn’t anyone want to talk to me or be my friend?” and you’re tired of living a life of seclusion with no friends, no quality dating prospects, and no social connections.

Well, the good news is, Introverted Misfit, that you can create a social life that works for your wants and needs without having to fake being someone you’re not, but it’s not going to happen without some hard work and consistency.

If you think you could use some guidance along your social confidence journey, I can help you with that.

Make sure to book your free Connection Call with me so that we can talk about what’s really standing in your way and how we can work together to reach your social confidence goals.

Find the link in the description, or read more about my program by going directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching and then you can book your free call with me from there.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

Connect With Caroline:

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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Nobody Cares as Much as You Think (And That’s a Good Thing)