It’s Time to Socialize in a Way That Works for YOU, Not Them!

Written By Caroline Smith

As an introvert who may also struggle with shyness and social difficulties, have you ever felt like you need to act like someone you’re not so that people will like you? When you walk into social events, do you think to yourself, “No one will talk to me if I don’t put on an ultra-happy face and pretend to be a social butterfly?”

I know I did once upon a time, many years ago.

If you have ever felt yourself being envious of how the social butterflies of the world go about socializing and meeting people, this episode is for you.

We’re going to talk about how you can use social strategies that work for you and your abilities and limits — not someone else’s social strategies that aren’t meant to work for us.

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Transcript

Hello to all of you who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

Firstly, Happy New Year! This is the first podcast episode I’m recording and publishing in 2026! If you’re new, I publish episodes every Monday, but as you may or may not know, that schedule has been thrown off by some major events that occurred last year.

2025 was simultaneously one of the best and worst years of my life. All in the same year, I got to witness my latest nephew be born into the world, and I started hosting monthly Misfit Meet-Ups for people in my surrounding area.

But, just last month, I also had to bury my mother after watching her battle not one, but two cancers since 2024; breast cancer, the one she survived, and then an aggressive form of leukemia that has no cure.

So, needless to say, my business has taken a backseat recently, but I’m ready to make the commitment to jumping back into things, starting with my podcast.

I don’t want to start of this episode on such a sad note, though, so let me just say that I am so grateful for the 27 years I got to spend with my mother, the loving memories, the funny moments, and most importantly, I’m at peace knowing that my mom is no longer suffering from such a terrible illness.

So that’s my happy lead into this episode.

Let’s talk about socializing in a way that works for you.

As an introvert who may also struggle with shyness and social difficulties, have you ever felt like you need to act like someone you’re not so that people will like you? When you walk into social events, do you think to yourself, “No one will talk to me if I don’t put on an ultra-happy face and pretend to be a social butterfly?”

I know I did once upon a time, many years ago.

I have told the story of my ultra-extroverted older sister quite a few times on this podcast before, but it’s such a perfect example of this general topic that I will continue to tell it anywhere it makes sense.

My sister is the definition of a people-person; a social butterfly. She knows how to work a room; she will strike up a conversation with anyone who will listen; I’m not exaggerating when I say that she can walk into a room full of strangers, and within 10 minutes, she will have 10 new friends.

The most frustrating thing for me when I still struggled with my social confidence was watching her talk to all of these people without even trying — she just automatically knew how to do it.

She didn’t need a rule book, she didn’t need to study people and figure out what they like and don’t like, she just… did it.

Her brain is just wired that way, even since she was a child as I’ve heard my parents and my other family members describe.

I remember when we would go to events together, and I would be kinda jealous of how she could just make connections, acquaintances, and friends so easily.

Me being the introvert that I am — autistic at that — there really was nothing else I could do except sit on the sidelines and be envious of who I would never be.

Well, as it turns out, there are a whole lot more “introverted misfits” out there who felt the exact same way I did.

A few months ago, sometime last year, I did a poll of shy and socially awkward introverts in a Facebook group, asking if they struggled with feeling jealous of social butterflies, a.k.a., extroverts, who can talk to people with ease and charisma.

And to no surprise of my own, an overwhelming majority of them, about 72%, answered, “Yes.”

So, if you have ever felt yourself being envious of how the social butterflies of the world go about socializing and meeting people, this episode is for you.

We’re going to talk about how you can use social strategies that work for you and your abilities and limits — not someone else’s social strategies that simply don’t work for you, and then towards the end of this episode, I have a little teaser to a bigger announcement that I will make in just a couple of weeks. HINT: I’m planning a workshop just for introverts like you around this very topic!

And I will be including some tips for “normal” introverts as well as more specific advice for those of you introverts who are autistic like myself.

What it means to socialize in a way that works for you — not them.

First, let’s talk about what I do not mean when I say, “Socialize in a way that works for YOU and not THEM.”

You know how sometimes, when people start saying words like “us” and “them,” there’s that group of people who hold this belief that we shouldn’t use divisive language that will just further prevent us from being unified?

Well, I do not belief that giving people the specialized support they need during the time they need it is “divisive.” Quite the opposite, actually. I think it makes them more equipped to be included in the rest of society.

That’s not meant to be a political statement, necessarily, it’s meant to be a humanitarian statement.

What I do mean when I make that statement is basically what I was describing in the beginning of this episode: Everybody’s social brain is a little different, which means the way people socialize will look different.

There may be some social norms that everyone is expected to follow, but the way in which we go about learning, studying, thinking about, and implementing those social rules is different.

The way that my sister can sit down among a group of people she’s never met before and immediately make herself at home, will not look the same for those of us who really struggle with group conversations and group dynamics.

And I’m here to tell you, that’s OK. It’s OK to be a little different, and to have different social strengths and weaknesses.

So, how can you socialize in a way that works for you and what you can do?

  1. Stop trying to be 100% perfect.

    This is one of the core concept of my messaging on my platform and my coaching services. I mean the tagline of my business is, “Become Socially Confident Without Being Loud or Perfect.”

    What if I told you that trying to be 100% socially — especially if you are on the spectrum — is fighting a losing battle?

    What if I told you that actually trying to be 100% perfect in every little thing you do and say, and then getting all bent out of shape because you didn’t do everything right, is actually keeping you from learning and growing in your social confidence journey?

    Making mistakes in anything is how you learn and grow.

    And I know there might be some discourse about whether or not we should be calling them “mistakes,” when you’re considering the nature of ASD, but for the purposes of this conversation about social interactions, I’m just using the word mistakes to mean doing something that was unexpected and is interpreted the wrong way, OK?

    Those one or two awkward, cringey things you said that you can’t stop obsessing over? In reality, nobody is thinking about it nearly as much as you are.

    Tell me if this scenario sounds familiar:

    You say something awkward or a little weird, and then people don’t respond in the way you hoped they would respond — maybe they chuckle, or side-eye you — and then you think to yourself, “I might as well just give up trying. I can’t do anything right.”

    So then you get demotivated, and you do what you’ve always done — withdraw back into yourself, where it’s safe, and where nobody will laugh at you or reject you.

    Well, when you stop trying to be 100% perfect, and you learn how to stop obsessing over every little mistake, you give yourself permission to be yourself and to keep trying so that you can learn and grow.

    You give yourself permission to keep socializing until you do finally meet people who fit well with your personality, and who will forgive the little mistakes you make and quirks you may have.

    I remember just a few weeks ago, I was in church after the morning service had just ended, and there was a lot going on — everybody was talking and fellowshipping, and it was very loud, and there was just a lot going on.

    I was talking to one of the members, and then another member walks up to us because I guess the person I was talking to had to give him a check.

    So as I’m talking to this woman, she starts to hand him the check, and without even realizing it, I reach my hand out as if I’m going to grab the check. And it took me a few seconds to realize they were both looking at me confused, because the check was not even coming in my direction.

    So then I kinda jumped and started apologizing, and they understood.

    But I can remember a time in my life when a mistake like that, the side-eyes, the confused looks, would’ve triggered some serious rejection sensitive dysphoria within me, but now? It was kinda like water off a duck’s back.

    It didn’t bother me as much as it used to; I just apologized, moved on with the discussion, and everybody forgot about it.

    And I was only able to get better at that with lots of socializing and making mistakes such as that one so that I could learn how to handle those situations better.

    So if you were waiting for someone to give you that permission, here it is: You now have permissions to stop trying to be socially perfect.

  2. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.

    That extroverted social butterfly I was talking about in the beginning? You don’t have to act like that.

    There are people — both introverts and extroverts — who will appreciate your more reserved way of being and socializing.

    And, for my spectrum listeners, I’m going to tell you this: It’s no secret that most of us have to mask everyday, but putting on the extroverted social butterfly mask when you are truly more of an introvert is the fastest way to burn yourself out in social situations.

    It’s going to make you tired quicker, and may cause you to get overstimulated much more easily than if you were to just mask within your means.

    When I say “mask within your means,” I just mean masking in a way that doesn’t require you to act completely out of character to the point where you’re literally presenting a different personality than what you can sustain.

    Hmm, that might be a good topic for a future episode…

    But anyway…

    I know some of you listening are hearing me say, “Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not,” and you’re thinking, “Well just by changing my social behavior, aren’t I already doing that in a way?”

    And my answer to that is, not exactly.

    You’re not changing who you are at your core by just modifying your communication.

    You don’t have to agree with everything someone says, or pretend not to be interested in something, or pretend to be interested in something just to be likeable, or pretend to be all happy-go-lucky when that’s not who you are, and that’s what I’m really getting at here.

    There’s a difference between altering your communication and just flat out changing who you are to fit in.

    When you start changing who you are just so that you can make friends, here’s what’s probably going to happen:

    #1. You will feel forced to keep portraying this unsustainable mask, because if people are initially attracted to the extroverted personality you’re presenting, then that’s what they’ll expect later on. That gets very tiring very quickly for you. Because now those people expect that you’ll enjoy going out every weekend to very busy, crowded or overstimulating environments, and when you no longer want to go out with them to those places, they’ll be confused as to why.

    #2. You’re not meeting people who actually like… you and your true personality. You aren’t going to attract the people who are truly interested in you because you’re too busy putting on the extroverted, social butterfly facade.

    Now disclaimer, I am aware that there will be situations in which you kinda have to put on the extroverted front, and there’s no escaping it.

    Maybe you have to go to a conference for work and talk to a bunch of people. I’ve been there.

    Maybe you’re an introvert in an extroverted type of job.

    But I believe that even in those scenarios, there are ways you can cope and manage your social battery more efficiently, which is exactly what my workshop pre-announcement is going to help you learn how to do.

  3. Find your staple social strategies, and stick to them.

    Now, I don’t mean for this point to sound like you can never try anything new or learn a new social strategy that goes a little outside of your comfort zone.

    Not at all. I mean I feel like I’ve learned a lot of new social skills and strategies that I never thought I would do.

    My parents never thought I would be the one hosting in-person social gatherings for people — let alone hosting gatherings for people who by definition, don’t really like being around other people that much.

    So you can learn to do a lot of things.

    But, until you get to that point where you can venture out, stick to what works.

    If you’re still trying to overcome social anxiety or shyness, or you’re trying to get more comfortable with your social abilities, I don’t think you should feel forced to venture out just yet.

    If 1-to-1 interactions are less scary for you, do that.

    If smaller groups of people are less overwhelming for you, stick to those for now.

    If you have this one particular conversation starter that gets the best results for you, use that more so than other ones.

    To be honest, even in my present state, as someone who no longer struggles with social anxiety but is still a major introvert, I still mainly rely on my staple social strategies, especially in new environments.

    And even if I do end up branching out of my comfort zone, I’m always going to start with those staples until I know it’s “safe” to venture out, for lack of a better word.

    My sister, her unofficial strategy is — and I say “unofficial” because remember, social butterfly she doesn’t have to think about all this stuff as deeply as us — her unofficial strategy is to walk into a room, and literally say hello to everyone who is in there.

    Everyone who walks into the room, she’s greeting them. She’s waving them over to come join the rest of the group.

    And that works for her. She knows how to use those strategies the best, and they get a really good response from almost everyone she meets and knows.

    But what works for you and me, is probably not going to look like that.

    And again, even after all of the work that I’ve done along my social confidence journey, my social strategy will never look quite like that.

    I mean sure, when I’m hosting an event like one of my meet-ups, that’s different. I am the organizer of the event, so people are looking to me for some sort of direction, but in a real-life scenario, at a conference or a bible study, my strategies are pretty much the same.

Now those are my 3 points for this episode:

  1. Stop trying to be 100% perfect.

  2. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.

  3. Find your staple social strategies, and stick to them.

That brings me to my pre-announcement teaser: I’m planning my first workshop of 2026.

Introvert-Friendly Social Strategies for Gatherings & Events

This is a workshop for introverts who tend to be more quiet and reserved in group social settings, and if you also happen to struggle with shyness and social difficulties, you definitely need to be in this workshop when I officially launch it.

I’m working really hard on making this a workshop worth attending, which means I do not have a date, time, or price yet, although I can tell you it will be very affordable and I will be opening registration within the next couple of weeks.

So until then, I want to encourage you to join the waitlist for this workshop using the link in the description, or you can go to theintrovertedmisfit.com/workshop.

If you are one of my listeners who has ever considered working with me in my coaching program, Communicate With Quiet, Quirky Confidence, this workshop is a really great opportunity for you to get a taste of what working with me might look like on a long-term basis, so I hope you will consider joining the waitlist and ultimately buying your ticket!

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

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Caroline Smith

Caroline, the founder of The Introverted Misfit, is dedicated to helping shy, awkward introverts become socially confident — without acting extroverted!

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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