Trudging Towards the Finish Line When You Just Can’t Seem to Win

Written By Caroline Smith

Have you ever heard the saying, “Out of the frying pan into the fire?”

Think of the last time you finished something or succeeded at a goal and you let out a big sigh of relief, and you thought, “Finally, I’m in a good place. I can rest. I can move forward with my life.” And then, CRASH! Like a train coming at full speed, you get hit with another trial, obstacle, roadblock, that just makes the finish line seem further and further away.

Welcome to life. Hard times are going to happen. Obstacles will prolong your success. Everything will not be easy. And that goes for your social confidence journey, too.

When you’re attempting to climb out of the trenches of shyness, social anxiety, and social awkwardness, it often feels like one bad thing after the other; that one awkward, cringey thing you can’t stop doing; that feeling of being socially rejected that happens every time someone side eyes you or chuckles at something you said; that hit to your self-esteem when you leave another social event with no new connections, no new friends, and not even one successful conversation.

Join me in this week’s episode as I discuss what it takes to keep trying for success even when things get in your way.

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Transcript

Hello to all of you who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

Have you ever heard the saying, “Out of the frying pan into the fire?”

If you’re a Lord of the Rings fan like me — although I haven’t watched the series all the way through in a few years — I automatically picture that scene in The Hobbit when The Fellowship escapes the underground place where the goblins live only to find themselves in danger once again surrounded by the Orcs riding their wolves, and they word-for-word use that line, “Out of the frying pan and into the fire.”

But if that example isn’t familiar to you or didn’t resonate with you, think of the last time you finished something or succeeded at a goal and you let out a big sigh of relief, and you thought, “Finally, I’m in a good place. I can rest. I can move forward with my life.”

And then, CRASH! Like a train coming at full speed, you get hit with another trial, obstacle, roadblock, that just makes the finish line seem further and further away.

And then you make it out of that situation, only to find yourself facing yet another obstacle, and it just keeps happening over and over and over again. At every turn, there’s… something that halts your progress.

And the interesting thing about the brain is that the first few bad things that happen might take us completely by surprise — make us feel anxious and upset, but the more it happens back to back, the more you become numb to it, or become really demotivated, or you buckle down and become more prepared for the next obstacle.

You might even start to anticipate more bad things happening, and you feel a little — or a lot — anxious every time you start to make progress.

At a certain point, all you can say is, “Ok life. What else you got?” and just roll with the punches until you can come up for air.

I’ve certainly found myself in a situation like that.

In fact, I’d say I’m in one of those situations right now as I’m recording this episode. Life is life-ing, is all I can say.

If I’m being super transparent here — I feel like I’m making this particular episode for me rather than you.

That’s how relevant this topic is to my family’s situation right now, but I know you have likely encountered something like what I’m describing.

And if you haven’t, I’ll tell you what my Grandma always says: “Just keep living and you’ll see.”

By now you’ve probably heard some part of my story as far as social confidence goes as an introvert who happens to be on the spectrum, and this topic reminds me a lot of that journey.

I remember navigating the world of… well… people and social interactions, which is basically the foundation of life in my humble opinion, when I still struggled with social anxiety and when I was still learning how to manage my social difficulties.

And while I was still in that very unstable mental state, I remember the fear that used to race through my body every time I had to socialize. The fear of embarrassing myself, the fear of judgment, the fear of being laughed at…

And I remember going to social events and just feeling like every time I tried to talk to someone and engage in a conversation, even just trying to do small interactions like saying hello, I bombed it.

I just couldn’t get it right.

I either said something too fast, or I didn’t get the eye contact exactly right, or I didn’t smile at the right time, or a smiled too much, or laughed when I shouldn’t have — I had all of these different ideas going on in my mind about what other people were thinking about me because of the awkward things I said and did.

It was just one mistake after the other, and to make things more complicated, there were sometimes when I thought a conversation was going pretty well, until I did something to mess it up, started overthinking everything I said or did, and I was back to square one yet again.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire.

It didn’t matter that I knew the long-term goal I wanted to reach: Overcoming social anxiety, making friends, engaging in social interactions without overthinking everything.

The rejection I thought I was receiving kept getting in the way, and making me feel unmotivated to keep trying.

Some of you may have heard me talk about my experience as a software engineer/web developer since that’s what my college degree is in, and the thing about fixing software and finding bugs is that

So how can you keep moving towards that finish line even when it seems like there is an obstacle at every turn?

Well, I’m betting right now you’re at a fork in the road, and there are two big choices you can decide to take:

You can give up, of course.

And what’s at the end of that path?

The same old, tired, lonely life you’ve been living.

The life that you’re tired of living.

The life where, you wake up every morning, thinking, “Here we go again.”

And I’ll be honest, depending on the context, maybe the concept of “giving up” isn’t a bad idea.

I’ve had to give up a few ventures, dreams, entrepreneurial ideas — before starting my coaching business — relationships, friendships, things that I once thought were solid parts of my life.

But they weren’t, and it turns out they were costing me more than what I was getting in return.

So, I gracefully bowed out and “gave up.”

But, if you decide this venture, journey, relationship, whatever it is, truly is something worth pursuing, then that other path you can take, is to keep trying.

And what does that involve?

Well, it involves a lot.

It involves all of those cliché motivational words you’ve probably heard all your life.

Afterall, they are overused for a reason: because a lot of times they hold true.

You’ve got to have perseverance: The ability to keep going in the face of difficulty.

The willingness to keep trying and inventing things when something doesn’t quite work out the first time.

You’ve got to keep your eyes on that ultimate end goal so you can keep doing the hard stuff while knowing what you’re doing all of this for.

And probably most important thing you need — in my opinion — is having a solid community around you that’s going to help keep you motivated, and get you over those bumps in the road.

I started off this episode referencing a scene from Lord of the Rings and I’m going to end this episode with another one: Can you imagine Frodo Baggins embarking on the long, difficult journey to Mordor completely alone?

He tried to go by himself in the end when he breaks away from the fellowship, but his best friend Sam refuses to leave his side, and in the end, Sam carries Frodo up Mount Doom because Frodo is so battered from the journey.

That’s when Sam says that famous line, “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you,” it being the evil ring they must destroy in Mount Doom.

Total tear-jerker of a movie and book trilogy, by the way, if you have never seen it.

The moral of the story is that it’s a really bad idea to do this thing called life with no support system. With no community. With no guidance.

That’s the reason I do my in-person community-building efforts — because I know that being in the trenches of extreme shyness or social anxiety and simultaneously not having the social skills or confidence to try and overcome it is really hard to do without support.

Granted, overcoming any kind of internal battle is hard to do without support or guidance, but in this case, it’s extra true because you literally need other people to socialize with and talk to if you want to get over your fear of socializing.

So, what path are you going to take?

If you are struggling with your social confidence as a shy, socially awkward or low support needs Autistic introvert, are you looking to take the path of giving up, and continuing to live a life in constant fear and loneliness, OR are you looking to try something different and take the path where you… try?

Where you focus on building your social confidence in a way that works for your unique needs?

If you are ready to try, you might benefit from some guidance and support from someone whose been exactly where you are, which is where I can assist you as a social confidence coach for shy and awkward introverts.

My 1-on-1 coaching services, including my program, Communicate With Quiet Confidence, was created to help introverts who struggle with their social confidence, overcome shyness and improve their social skills — without acting extroverted and without having to be perfect.

If that sounds like something you need in your life, check the description to find a link to book a Connection Call with me and to read more about the program for yourself before you book a call.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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You Don’t Need a Thriving Social Life; You Need a Manageable One!