You Don’t Need a Thriving Social Life; You Need a Manageable One!

Written By Caroline Smith

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear someone described as having a “thriving” social life?

You probably picture a very extroverted socialite who can make connections at the drop of a hat, or maybe they’re more of an introvert but they still have managed to create a strong social circle for themselves that keeps them happy and motivated.

Maybe you feel badly about your lack of a “thriving” social life as you understand that to be; the fact that you don’t go out every weekend, you don’t host parties and get-togethers all that much; and you usually leave social events without any new connections or phone numbers.

Well, what if I told you that as an introvert, you shouldn’t strive for a “thriving” social life; you should strive for a manageable one — one that doesn’t overwhelm you and make you drag your feet as you’re getting ready to go.

Join me as I talk about what steps you can take to create a manageable social life for yourself, including some things you should not do.

Listen on Your Favorite Streaming Service:

Watch on YouTube
Listen on Spotify Podcasts
Listen on Apple Podcasts

Resources for Introverts:

Transcript

Hello to all of you misfits who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

First things first, let’s address the elephant in the room: I have taken an extended break from the podcast for the past month and some change.

Some of that was intentional as I have chosen to focus more on in-person networking and community-building ventures while the online side of things takes a back seat — I’ll touch on that in just a second — but a larger part of my absence from the podcast has to do with some personal family issues regarding the health of a family member that needed immediate and extensive attention.

Those health issues are still being addressed, so I can’t make any promises about when I can start back publishing episodes consistently every Monday. However, this episode is one that I started drafting before all of these other things things in my personal life started happening, and so I thought while things have sort of calmed down, the least I could do is finish it out and let you know that I’m still here and the podcast is not dead yet.

But about that first part of this little announcement where I mentioned I was focusing more on in-person business and community activities: I’m excited to officially announce Misfit Meet-Ups to all of my podcast listeners!

Misfit Meet-Ups are casual social gatherings that I have recently started to facilitate in the Auburn/Opelika area, and they are specifically for shy, socially awkward, or low support needs Autistic people who want a low-pressure, judgement-free environment to socialize and meet people.

The reason I wanted to start these meet-ups is because despite all of the online coaching services and workshops I offer, I came to the realization that none of that stuff — coaching, therapy, counseling — does any good if you don’t implement what you learn in real life.

The core belief of my business and my coaching process is that real social confidence comes with real life social interactions where you can practice having conversations, make mistakes without being ridiculed, and have a community of like-minded people who understand what you’re dealing with, and that’s what inspired me to start these in-person meet-ups!

The first meet-up held on October 6th had a really great turnout and we had a lot of fun painting the social spookies away at Glazed Paint Your Own Pottery here in Auburn, and this month’s meet-up, Misfit Gaming Night: Sip and Play is already scheduled for November 17th at Well Red: Second Story, which is a very nice, quiet coffee shop and book store that has some of the best-tasting drinks, wine, and pastries.

We’re going to be playing board games, doing puzzles, and other activities while we sip on some delicious drinks, so if you are in the area and want to join us, make sure you register using the link in the description.

Now, onto the regularly scheduled programming:

Have you ever heard someone’s social life be described as “thriving”?

Or maybe you’ve known someone whose social life could be described as “thriving”; they are very extroverted and make connections easily, or maybe they’re more of an introvert but they still have managed to create a strong social circle for themselves that keeps them happy and motivated.

Maybe you’ve felt badly about your lack of a “thriving” social life as you understand that to be.

Maybe you even have an idea about what a thriving social life even looks like; you think it means going out every weekend, hosting parties and get-togethers every weekend even when you don’t feel like it; never leaving a social event without at least 3 new people’s phone numbers to add to your contacts.

At least, that’s what I used to think a thriving social life had to look like.

Until I finally accepted the fact that I am a true introvert; and autistic one at that who gets overwhelmed very easily in social settings that are too busy and loud.

And I realized, my version of a thriving social life will simply never look like that — not without getting severely burned out.

I did tell the story about how I had about 100 conversations a day for 3 days straight that one time in Vegas and literally passed out on the bed each night because I was just so tired.

That was many episodes ago.

It was a business trip my company invited me to attend along with 20 or so other employees.

And the most interesting thing to me was that at the end of each day, many of my more extroverted coworkers were ready to go out on the town and socialize some more!

And I’m thinking to myself, “Are you serious? After those hundreds of people we just talked to you want to do more of that? You don’t even want a break first?”

That moment was a very reassuring moment for me that there truly is a difference between introverts and extroverts. Those are not just made up labels or personality types.0

In fact just yesterday, I sat this meme on Instagram that was showing the difference between introverts and extroverts in two different pictures:

The first picture was this guy — and introvert — who is bored while he’s talking to a group of people, and so he goes somewhere by himself to do something. The second picture was another guy — an extrovert — who was bored being by himself, and so he goes with his group of friends to socialize.

Now of course introversion and extraversion is a spectrum, so you won’t fit 100% on one side of the spectrum 100% of the time; there’s likely a balance of both within us. But for the general purposes of the comparison, I must say that was a very relatable meme.

For our more extroverted counterparts, socializing energizes them, and for more introverted people like you and me, too much of that is just not our idea of a good time, OK? The last thing we want to do after a long day of socializing is socialize some more and be around more people.

My version of a thriving social life is a manageable one that works for my needs.

That means friends who understand my need for alone time and don’t take offense when I need to leave the function after 2 hours while everyone else wants to stay out longer.

That means having the kind of friendships where we don’t have to talk every day or even every week in order to remain friends.

And as far as regular socializing goes, I go to church every week and it’s a small church so I pretty much know everybody, I network a few times a month as part of my business which is pretty much a requirement for a solopreneur like myself, I live close to my immediate family so we talk a lot, and of course the monthly Misfit Meet-Ups are another way for me to socialize even though I’m more of a facilitator than a participant.

For me, that is manageable. That’s my definition of a thriving social life as an introverted person who also happens to be on the spectrum.

And your social life can be manageable, too. It doesn’t have to be something that you dread doing.

So in this episode, I want to take you through some steps you can take to build an introvert-friendly and Autistic-friendly social life, or in other words, a manageable social life — one that will not overwhelm you and doesn’t make you drag your feet as you’re getting dressed to go.

  1. Do things you enjoy doing.

    I was having this conversation with someone a while ago about how to meet people and make friends, and they said, “It’s really as simple as going places you enjoy and doing things you like to do, and talking to people.”

    Now I will admit this particular person was an ultra-extrovert and was not shy or quiet at all. They’re a true people-person, so when they posed this suggestion as if it was really that simple, I was thinking, “Well I know a group of people who would beg to differ with that statement,” but for what it’s worth, the concept is true.

    Now, depending on what you’re social struggles are and how severe they are, you may need some help with the socializing aspect of it — which, if that’s you, book a Connection Call with me and let’s talk about it — but the best place to start is to go places and do things you enjoy.

    Those are the environments where you’re more likely to meet people with similar interests, and perhaps similar personality types.

    You like reading and doing other quiet activities? Most public libraries host events that involve either books or crafty activities.

    You like creating art? Do some research in your local area to see if anyone hosts painting, pottery, or other types of art classes. Most downtown areas have places like that, or again your nearest public library may host art classes, or your local recreation center probably hosts some.

    You could also check your area’s Facebook Group, because a lot of cities will have a, “What’s Happening in <INSERT_CITY_HERE>?” Facebook group where people can advertise events and whatnot.

  2. Don’t completely change who you are just to fit in.

    Now, this point is not to say that you never have to modify your behavior or communication skills if you want to build a social life, especially if you are socially awkward or are a person on the spectrum who is looking to become a more socially confident version of yourself. In my opinion, that’s not quite the same thing as being fake.

    What I mean by saying “Don’t completely change yourself” is that I don’t recommend you change who you are at your core just so that people will like you.

    You shouldn’t feel the need to agree with everything someone says, or pretend like you don’t like something that you actually do like because the other person isn’t a fan of it, or on the flip side pretend that you’re interested in something that you really don’t like just because other people are into it.

    And most relevant to this conversation, you shouldn’t have to pretend like you’re an extrovert just to “hang with the cool kids” so to speak.

    Forcing yourself to be someone that you’re not just so that people will like you means you’re insecure with who you really are; you’re insecure in your naturally introverted personality.

    Here’s what’s likely going to happen when you try to act extroverted when you’re really not — especially if you happen to be on the spectrum:

    #1. You’ll feel like you have to upkeep this unsustainable front, because if people are initially attracted to the extroverted personality you’re presenting, then that’s what they’ll expect later on. That gets very tiring very quickly. Because now those people expect that you’ll enjoy going out every weekend to very busy, crowded or overstimulating environments, and when you no longer want to go out with them to those places, they’ll be confused as to why.

    #2. You’re not meeting people who genuinely want to hang out with the real you, and who you are compatible with. Because remember, those people are attracted to the extroverted front you’re putting on — not the naturally more reserved you.

    I’m going to tell you a secret: You do not have to be friends with everyone you meet. There are times when you might be with the wrong crowd of people for your personality, or maybe the wrong environment that’s just not well-suited for your needs.

    Let me give you an example. A few months ago, I travelled to Texas to visit my sister and some family. This is my extroverted people-person sister — the one I’ve mentioned before on this podcast.

    Well, while I was there, I had the opportunity to meet a group of her musician friends. They were in a praise team band together, so naturally, these guys are very animated and fun. Really sociable, really cool, and they just had this really solid group dynamic.

    They could joke with each other, laugh at each other, even make fun of each other in a kind of playful way, and it was all just so natural for them. They didn’t even have to think about what was going to come out of their mouth — the just went with the flow.

    So at this point, it’s like I’m watching a tennis match and I’m just on the sidelines even though I’m sitting in the group with them. I just could not figure out what to say or how to join in because their personalities were just so different from mine.

    Well if this scenario had happened to me years ago when I still had very bad social anxiety and still cared greatly about fitting in, I would’ve felt bad about feeling invisible and seemingly being ignored.

    But now? It doesn’t really phase me. If I clearly don’t fit in, I don’t force it. I just don’t feel the need to. I’m not like them, I don’t socialize like them, and that’s OK. Because there are other people in the world with whom I do fit in without having to completely act out of character.

    For my spectrum listeners, I know you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Well isn’t masking already a form of faking it or putting on a front?” And to that I would say I don’t think masking is faking a personality. Masking changes the way you externally communicate your inner thoughts and feelings, but that’s not quite the same as changing who you are at your core in my opinion.

    Moral of the story, you do not have to fit in with everybody, and everybody does not have to fit in with you.

  3. Listen to and honor your social battery.

    It’s no secret that introverts have a limited social battery, meaning there is only a certain amount of time we can comfortably socialize until we are ready to leave the function and just be alone.

    And if you are on the spectrum, you understand the additional challenge of getting overstimulated in a social setting while you’re starting to feel drained and tired.

    That is not the time to push through the pain — unless of course you absolutely have to. But if you can help it, that is the time to listen to your body and maybe take a little break to collect yourself and calm yourself down.

    Excuse yourself, take a trip to the restroom, stroll around the room and sip something to drink, do something discreet that doesn’t draw too much attention to yourself, and then jump back into socializing when you’re ready. Especially for my Autistic listeners, when you feel that overstimulation creeping up, don’t ignore it, because you just might work yourself up to having a meltdown.

    Another tip for my spectrum listeners if you want that social battery to last a little longer is something I like to call masking within your means. In other words, create a mask for yourself that is doable for you and is not going to tire you out so quickly.

    For the more introverted Autistic people like you and I, that means not overdoing it with the facial expressions, talking, hand gestures, all of those social things that we have to think 10x harder about, do them reasonably within your means. When I’m socializing, my mask tends to be pretty subtle. I don’t pretend to be Miss Happy-Go-Lucky, I don’t exaggerate things when I’m talking or responding, I basically do the bare minimum. I do enough to let the other person know I’m present, I’m listening, and l’m interested, and that works for me most of the time.

    Then, maybe a couple of hours later when you’ve really had enough socializing, go home! If you can, do something that recharges you — make a cup of tea, hot chocolate, watch TV, read a chapter of a book, do a puzzle, or my favorite, go to sleep.

Those are the three focal points: 1). Do things you enjoy doing, 2). Don’t completely change who you are just to fit in, and 3). Listen to and honor your social battery.

Now, creating a manageable social life is one thing, but if you happen to be one of those introverted misfits who struggles with extreme shyness or social anxiety, you’ve got bigger fish to fry before we talk about building and managing a social life.

You, my friend, might benefit from some social confidence coaching so that you can first get past that fear of socializing and talking to people.

If that’s where you are in your social confidence journey — if you’re still stuck in that “too nervous and awkward to talk to people” stage — book a connection call with me and let’s talk. Check the link in the description or go to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching to learn more about my program, Communicate With Quiet, Quirky Confidence.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend. Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

Connect With Caroline:

Free Guide to Small Talk for Introverts:

Receive my free guide that will help you master the art of engaging in small talk in just a few simple steps - without having to act extroverted!

Small Talk for Introverts
Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
Next

A Fish Out of Water: Masking to Fit In Where You Don’t Belong