A Fish Out of Water: Masking to Fit In Where You Don’t Belong

Written By Caroline Smith

Do you ever hang out with a certain group of people, and you immediately feel like a fish out of water? Or maybe a Zebra trying to blend in with a bunch of horses?

If you happen to be one of my autism spectrum listeners, you’re probably thinking, “Uh, yeah! Pretty much describes my entire life.” But even if you’re not on the spectrum, whatever it is that makes you a misfit has probably contributed to this feeling of being a social outcast. And as a result, you may have tried to fit in where you aren’t really welcome. I think it’s time to stop trying to force yourself where you don’t fit and be yourself so that you can find an accepting community.

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Transcript:

Hey Misfit! Before we get to the regularly scheduled program, I wanted to give you a friendly reminder that my upcoming virtual workshop, Dating With Confidence (For Quiet, Quirky Women) is just around the corner.

It will be via Zoom on August 22, 2025 @6 PM CT.

If you are a quiet, quirky single lady who is ready to start dating but you don’t know where to start, you only have a few days to get your ticket and give your dating life the jumpstart that it needs.

In just 1 hour and 30 minutes of focused interaction and instruction along with other single, introverted women who share your experience, you will learn the basics of dating:

  • How to get a man’s attention

  • How to tell if he’s interested in you

  • How to flirt and show your interest without having to be someone you’re not

  • And more importantly, how to set boundaries and have standards for the men you talk to you, because I don’t care what anyone says; being a quiet, quirky late bloomer does NOT men you don’t deserve basic respect from the men you let into your life

You’re not just getting instruction from me — someone who is a late bloomer myself and who had to learn a thing or two when I jumped head first into the world of dating unprepared — you will be able to interact live with me and other women just like you, from all different walks of life.

Again, that’s August 22, 2025 @ 6PM CT, which is less than 7 days away if you’re listening to this before the 22nd. You can find the link to register in the description of this episode OR go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/quirky-dating.

Now, back to the regularly scheduled program. Enjoy!

…

Hello to all of you misfits who are tuning into this episode of the introverted misfit podcast.

Do you ever hang out with a certain group of people, and you immediately feel like a fish out of water?

Or maybe a Zebra trying to blend in with a bunch of horses?

If you happen to be one of my spectrum listeners, you’re probably thinking, “Uh, yeah! Pretty much describes my entire life.”

Even if you’re not on the spectrum, whatever it is that makes you a misfit has probably contributed to this feeling of being a social outcast.

And what do misfits do when they feel outcasted?

They either choose a path of solitude and social seclusion, or they try their very best to fit in — even when they are not welcome.

Now, disclaimer: I would be lying if I told you that you’ll never have to be among people wo are different than you and who you don’t particularly like — especially if you’re low-support needs autistic, because as we both know masking is a form of survival.

When you’re at work, or on a committee, or some environment in which you’re expected to work with others. That’s just life.

But what about all the other situations you don’t necessarily have to be in, but you still try to force yourself into?

When you choose that path, you often find yourself trying to contort yourself like a pretzel to make people like you.

You try to mimic their mannerisms, their humor, maybe their interests.

But if you think about it, what are you really gaining from that?

I mean sure, you get the temporary feeling of being liked in that moment, but what about the real you that’s feeling neglected and ignored?

The real you that has to go hide in the corner when you’re around certain people because you don’t want them to think you’re weird?

The dry humor or whatever type of humor you find funny that they don’t think is funny at all?

The introverted, quiet you that’s too boring for their taste?

That you starts to feel broken and unlovable — like if you take your mask off even for a little maybe accidentally or just to breathe a little, no one will like you anymore?

You’re just like that Zebra that tried to paint over your stripes with black paint, but then a little bit of rain starts to fall and before you know it, uh-oh — you’re stripes are showing.

And you know what?

Maybe it wouldn’t be such a big deal if they didn’t mind your stripes — if they understood that you’re just a little different — but they do mind, and that’s the problem.

Story of my life.

For a lot of my younger years, I just wanted someone to accept me despite my little quirks, flaws, and my efforts to hide them.

But I just couldn’t say the right thing, or be the right way.

And even when I did try, it still wasn’t quite right.

Now, to be completely honest, my story is not completely filled with woe and loneliness (although much of it is regarding my social life and friends).

I managed to make a couple of friends who carried me through middle school and then a couple more in high school who were pretty wonderful, actually, but they ended after graduation.

You see, autism and other neurological disorders don’t just make it hard to start friendships — they make it hard to maintain them long-term, too.

Those friends that I happened to make only blossomed because we shared a band class together. We were all clarinet players.

After that 1-hour class, it was back to being a zebra among the horses again.

I ended college with virtually no friends — a few acquaintances that I was able to rekindle after college, which has been really great, but during my actual college years, no relationships that were being consistently nurtured like my other peers.

Because of my autistic traits and the social difficulties they caused, I’ve always felt the need to change my behavior so that people will want to be around me, but the downside of that was me trying to make people who didn’t like me somehow want to be around me.

And thinking back on those times, I was never successful — not for very long, anyway.

I could never keep the mask up for very long.

I would say the wrong thing, wear the wrong clothes, give the wrong look, not react in the way they wanted me too, and the jig was up.

I was just that weird kid who couldn’t hang.

I remember throughout my middle school years, I would make various attempts to blend in with the popular kids mainly for two reason.

Firstly, I was around them a lot since we were all in the same advanced discovery classes, and secondly, because I didn’t really understand things like social hierarchies and social groups — I just tried to talk to anyone, no matter who they were:

The popular kids, the hood kids, the Asian kids, it didn’t matter.

I just didn’t have that filter that tells you who you should and shouldn’t associate with.

Well, there was this one particular time that I think will forever be etched in my memory, when I tried to join the popular kids’ conversation.

We were standing in the lunch line of the cafeteria.

I tried to join their conversation 3 different ways, and after the last unsuccessful attempt, one of the girlss just flat out said, “You’re being really weird. We don’t want to talk to you.”

She definitely didn’t sugar coat her thoughts, I’ll give her that.

But that describes many of my experiences — even in my band classes with the other fellow weird kids because even among the weirdos there are social hierarchies and groups that form.

You got the popular band kids, and really weird band kids, the dark humor ones, the ones who excel at their instruments and so they think they’re better than everyone, the whole lot.

And I just couldn’t get it right with most of them, except for the two clarinet players who graciously adopted me into their friend circle when they could — the ones I was telling you about earlier.

My approach was wrong, my behavior during the hangout was wrong, it was just all wrong.

Gosh, when I think back on some of the cringey things I said and the embarrassment I felt when they laughed or rolled their eyes, I just want to hide under the covers and never come out!

You can probably relate if you’ve ever tried to fit in where you just aren’t welcome.

If you are one of those misfits who currently tries to fit in with what I call “the wrong crowd,” I have a suggestion you might want to consider:

The problem is not that you’re quirky, or awkward, or on the spectrum.

I mean, I’m not saying those qualities don’t pose issues, but that’s a different problem than this one I’m talking about.

The real problem is that you don’t really accept yourself for who you are, and because you don’t accept yourself, you try to find validation among people who just don’t understand you, and don’t want to understand you.

So it doesn’t matter how hard you try to be nice, and act like them, how much you try to mask and copy their behavior — they are simply not your people.

You’re going to lose yourself trying to hand out with people like that.

Here’s what I mean: I may be on the autism spectrum, but apart from that disorder, I have a set of morals that I believe and try to follow, I have my own interests like reading, writing, gardening, and I have my own set of boundaries and standards for the people I call friends and the men I decide to date.

And while I do mask to improve my communication and my relational skills, I am not willing to ignore and change those core parts of me just to fit in. Does that make sense?

So, when you can accept yourself, including your strengths, weaknesses, flaws, quirks, and be OK with the things about you that may require some managing and improvement, that deep need that you have to be liked by the wrong crowd of people is going to go away.

…

Do you know what I do now when people make it clear to me that they don’t want to talk to me?

It may sting a little, but I move on and find someone else who wants to talk to me.

You know what my past self would’ve done?

Spent the next 3 weeks obsessing over the fact that I got rejected, and then ruminate about all the other times I felt rejected and embarrassed in the past.

All of that probably sounds real familiar if you are a fellow misfit who struggles with something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).

That’s what it’s called when your brain overreacts to perceived or actual rejection.

Now that I’m mostly on the other side of that need for validation, I feel so free now that I’m not fixated on making everyone like me.

It has transformed my friendships, my client relationships in my business because I don’t back away from challenging unhealthy beliefs and thoughts just to make you feel good, my dating life — speaking of, don’t forget to sign up for my workshop, Dating With Confidence (For Quiet, Quirky Women) before August 22, 2025 if you haven’t already;

It has impacted every aspect of my life. Truthfully.

It changes how you walk into rooms, because you’re no longer worried about fitting in with every single person — you’re just focused on being your most confident self, putting your best foot forward, and accepting the relationships that are meant for you and not worrying so much about the ones that are not for you.

I think it’s about time for you to start being yourself.

To me, “being yourself” doesn’t mean you can’t improve in some areas of your life and your communication, but it means you stop trying to contort yourself and who you really are just to fit in.

It’s not about unmasking completely.

Masking is a survival technique for those of us who are able to do it, but to me, masking is not about erasing who you are and your opinions and what you believe.

Being yourself and being comfortable with yourself allows you to find a community among people who give you grace when you slip up and make a mistake.

And it means finding people who understand those things about you that sometimes have to be explained and justified — the quirks, the autistic traits, the social burnout, the involuntary stimming, all of that.

But here’s something else for you to consider: How on earth are you going to find your people if too afraid to talk to them?

At this point in the episode I’m really only talking to the misfits who struggle with their overall confidence, but specifically their social confidence — shyness, social anxiety, feeling like you’ll never feel comfortable talking to people and socializing.

If you’re too afraid to look at people, introduce yourself, and have a conversation with them, you’ll never find a community who accepts you.

And I want to help you change that!

My 1-on-1 coaching services are specifically for shy and awkward introverts who are ready to improve their social skills and their confidence so they can start to build healthy, manageable social lives.

As you’ve probably heard me say many times before on this podcast, being an introverted person does not mean you need to be alone all of the time.

You still need friends, even if you don’t hang out with them every week because you need some solo time to recharge.

Even if you’re autistic — autistic people still need connection.

So if that’s something you struggle with, building up your social skills is the first step to relationship-building, and that’s exactly what my services will help you do, along with building your courage to actually use those skills in the real world.

Check the description for the link to book your free Connection Call with me today, or go directly to theintrovertedmisfit.com/coaching and you can read all about my program for shy, awkward introverts.

That’s all for today’s episode.

As always, if you enjoyed this talk, please don’t forget to hit the follow or subscribe button, leave a review and/or comment whether you’re tuning in on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts from, and share this podcast with a friend.

Thanks for listening, and have a great day!

Connect With Caroline:

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Caroline Smith

Caroline is the founder of The Introverted Misfit, a community committed to helping socially inept people become more socially confident in themselves.

https://theintrovertedmisfit.com
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Invisible at First, Unforgettable Always: The Quiet Power of Introverts