How to Overcome Shyness as an Adult
If you’re an adult struggling with shyness, you can overcome it by building confidence within yourself, getting to the root cause of your shyness, and practicing social skills by starting with low-risk situations.
It’s one thing to be a shy child when most people will have empathy for you or even think it’s a cute quality, but what do you do when you’re an adult who is shy and your work and social life are harmed by your fear of socialization?
Believe me, I know how it feels to struggle with shyness as an adult, and even though I can say I’ve overcome my shyness, I’m not so far removed from it that I can’t relate to your current fears of socialization. If you’re suffering from social anxiety which is more severe than shyness, you might enjoy reading my article 3 Key Mindsets to Overcome Social Anxiety once you’re done with this one.
Build Confidence in Yourself, Despite Your Fear of Judgement
When you have confidence in your qualities, your personality, and your abilities, you are less likely to fear judgement and rejection from others. This doesn’t mean that others won’t judge you and reject you, but it does mean that you won’t be as mentally and emotionally affected by judgment and rejection.
Here’s a little secret: everyone who is alive or dead and gone has been and will be judged or rejected for something; it doesn’t matter how nice and kind they were, so just get over the fact that you won’t ever be accepted by everyone, and everyone isn’t going to be your friend. The important thing is that as long as your a nice, pleasant person to be around, there are people out there who will love and appreciate your companionship and your personality, but you’ll never find them if you’re too shy to make connections with people.
Try Not to Think About Yourself So Much
Shy and socially anxious people have a tendency to always fear what others are thinking of them, including what they wear, how they look, whether or not their personality is acceptable or not, and more, but thinking about how others are perceiving you will only worsen your shyness and low self-esteem. In my experience as a former shy adult, it helps to not ruminate so much about how people may or may not view you, and instead think about how you can make others feel by responding to how people are treating you in reality as opposed to your perception of reality.
This isn’t to say that shy people are self-centered or selfish because they are thinking about themselves all the time; it’s to say that focusing on other people’s perceptions of you is a recipe for being miserable and anxious in social settings. Focus on how people are actually treating you and behaving around you and react accordingly instead of reacting to how you think people are viewing you, because in reality, most people excluding your parents, grandparents, and significant other are not thinking about you as much as you think they are.
Understand That the Cost of Being a Shy Adult Is Far Worse Than Your Fear of Socializing
When you were a shy child, you could probably rely on adults such as your parents and teachers to step in and help you out when you needed someone to play with; as a shy adult, however, you’ve probably realized that people aren’t going to hold your hand through every situation in life. This can cut you off from so many avenues, including job opportunities and possible friendships, and it can ultimately lead to an unhealthy life of isolation if it gets too out of hand.
I can recall my first team meeting in the first job I got right out of college, and how I was so scared to say anything that when it was my turn to talk, I could barely bring my voice above a whisper. Guess who noticed and who felt the need to say something to me? My boss and the CEO of the company. When I went home from work that day I just wanted to lock myself in my house and cry, because I just knew that being shy and timid like I used to be was not going to help me get ahead in my job, my career, and ultimately my life. It was this dose of reality that motivated me to finally take the necessary steps to get over my fear of speaking and socializing.
Understanding thee trade-offs that come with being a shy, timid adult is a key precursor to overcoming your shyness.
Pinpoint the Environmental Cause of Your Shyness
In my article Why Am I Shy and Socially Awkward? I explain how shyness is mostly caused by environmental responses with some genetic predisposition towards a more temperamental personality trait, so think about what your environmental responses could be that are contributing to your shyness and awkwardness. For example:
Did a bully make a joke about you when you tried to be social once and it killed your self-esteem?
Did you try to be nice to someone but got rejected, which lowered your motivation to socialize?
Are you naturally more introverted and that has caused you to avoid social interactions, which has worsened your shyness and possibly made you socially awkward?
Did you try to include yourself in a group of people and were ignored/overlooked because of your naturally introverted personality?
Are you more extroverted than introverted, but simply lack basic social skills?
Once you find the root cause of your shyness, you can address those concerns and begin your journey to overcoming your fears of socializing.
Start With Low-Risk Social Interactions
Now that you’ve built your self-confidence and pinpointed the cause of your shyness, it’s time to put yourself out there little by little. Start with a small, low-risk interaction that you know you can handle. Here are a few ideas that got me started when I was first trying to overcome shyness:
Asking a grocery store clerk where to find an item, even if you know where it is already. Use this as an opportunity to work on approaching people in a friendly manner, and confidently asking a question.
Go on a hike or on a walking trail where you’re sure to find other people and practice initiating friendly interactions like, “How are you?” or “Good morning.” An easy way to start a conversation is to compliment someone’s dog and ask what kind it is; that way the conversation is not about you so there’s less of a reason to be nervous.
The next time you’re at a sit-down restaurant, practice with the water/waitress by smiling to initiate the interaction, and clearly and confidentially telling them what you’d like to drink/eat.
If you like to read, go to the bookstore or the public library and ask an employee/librarian if they have any book recommendations for you; it’s the perfect place for shy people because generally book stores and libraries are quiet and full of introverted people who won’t judge your shyness.
Learn From Your Mistakes, and Keep Practicing
A crucial part of overcoming shyness as an adult is to not let mistakes keep you from trying.
Everyone has awkward moments, even the most extroverted and sociable of us, and as a shy adult, you’re bound to have some, too, as you start to practice socializing. When mistakes do happen, you can’t let them get to your head too much; just think about how the interaction could’ve gone better, and do better next time. Remember that if you say or do something that the other person thinks is awkward, they’ve likely forgotten about it already while you’re still obsessing over it.
If you happen to be simultaneously shy and introverted like I once was, you might benefit from some more specific tips tailored to shy introverts; check out my article How to Overcome Being Shy as an Introvert.
Are you an adult struggling with shyness and/or social awkwardness? Let me know your story; I love hearing from readers like you!
