Why Am I Shy and Socially Awkward?
There is substantial evidence that shyness, or behavioral inhibition, is influenced by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Social awkwardness is caused by a lack of experience socializing because of fears of rejection and judgement towards which shyness can contribute.
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have no trouble at all starting conversations with strangers, while the concept of even looking a stranger in the eye makes you want to die inside? Or why you feel like curling up into a ball when it’s your turn to say something in class or a work meeting while others seem to have no social anxiety at all?
Well, you’re not alone in these feelings.
I’m a formerly shy and socially awkward woman who grew up with an extroverted and highly sociable sister; she was and still is never afraid to interact with anyone, including strangers. I can recall feeling severe anxiety every time I had to run errands with her in the past because I would dread the moment when I would have to interact with someone who she felt the need to approach. She just operated so differently from my timid ways of staring at the ground and avoiding human interaction at all costs.
Fast forward some years now that I have mostly overcome my shy and awkward ways (although I am still an introverted person), I’ve always wondered what caused of my aversion to socializing with people from a very young age, and if you’ve found this article, you’re probably wondering the same thing. It turns out that shyness has a variation of causes, both genetic and environmental.
What Is Shyness?
Shyness is a state of being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people. It’s often conflated with being introverted, but being shy and being introverted are not quite the same thing; shyness is more about being afraid or nervous at the thought of socializing with people, while introversion is not a state of fearing socialization, but is more about preferring alone time to focus on introspective thoughts more than the company of others.
Shy people are typically nervous about presenting or talking in front of people like a class or group of people, or they may be generally nervous about interacting with people in normal everyday situations. For instance, shy kids in school usually have problems initiating interactions with other kids at the lunch table or on the playground.
The Science and Research Behind Shyness and Social Awkwardness
It turns out that shyness is caused by a combination of genetics and environment as we know from studies comparing identical and non-identical twins, and the the social awkwardness that usually follows is a byproduct of those two factors.
One study in particular sought to examine the genetic and environmental contributions to shyness throughout the school-age period was conducted on 553 twin pairs.
Here were the conclusions from that study on shyness:
The measures of shyness using teacher ratings were collected at five points in time from age 6 to 12 years. They found that on average, shyness was moderately stable overtime and the measured stability was almost entirely accounted for by genetic factors.
At age 6, genetic factors accounted for 44% of individual differences and these early genetic factors also explained individual differences at all subsequent ages.
Non-shared environmental factors , i.e. environmental factors unique to each participant, explained most of individual differences at single points in time (51% to 63%), and did not account for the stability of shyness.
The final results suggest that persistent genetic contributions account for the stability in shyness, and individual environmental factors such as how school peers responded to them earlier in the school years account for the differing levels of shyness in the individuals.
Where Does Social Awkwardness Come into Play?
Generally, social awkwardness is the result of naturally shy or socially anxious individuals who consistently avoid social interactions with people or maybe they lack the motivation to socialize because of past rejection and social trauma, and therefore never develop any social skills.
If you could use some quick tips on how to be less social awkward, check out my article 19 Behaviors That Make You Seem Socially Awkward. If those tips aren’t enough for you and you could benefit from a more in-depth tutorial on how to overcome social awkwardness, including how to engage in small talk, how to read social cues, and how to recover from socially awkward moments when they do happen, you might enjoy my article The Complete Guide to Social Aptitude for Awkward People.
Can I Overcome Shyness and Improve My Social Skills?
It’s possible to cope with your natural shyness and improve your social skills by utilizing psychological therapies and practicing your social skills as often as you can in low-stress situations.
As we discussed earlier in the article, because shyness is only partially genetic, it’s possible to overcome some of the environmental factors that may be contributing to your shyness. You may not be able to get rid of the genetic contributions that make you more shy and timid in social situations, but if you can pinpoint the external causes of your shyness in your past and current life, you can work to improve your shyness.
For example:
Maybe you find that higher-risk social situations make you more nervous, like seeing large crowds of people or going to large events. So, maybe you try more low-risk situations, like a book club or a small hiking group.
Maybe you find that social rejection from your past has lowered your self-esteem and demotivated you from trying to socialize anymore, so you can take steps to become more confident in yourself and your valuable qualities.
I can remember countless moments from my childhood, teenage, and young adult years when I would go out of my way just to avoid having to even look at someone in the fear that it would lead to a conversation; how when my parents first dropped me off at college, I spent most of my years hiding in my dorm room because of my social anxiety, and how I completely embarrassed myself at my first job interview because I just couldn’t bring myself to speak above a whisper. But guess what? With some confidence-building, some counseling, and some old fashioned practice, I learned that my naturally introverted personality was no excuse for lacking adequate social skills, and I was able to rid myself of shyness and social awkwardness by placing myself in smaller, lower-risk social situations in which I was more comfortable.
If you want to know more details about how to overcome shyness from a former shy adult, check out my article How to Overcome Shyness as an Adult where I provide some practical steps adults can take to build confidence and get rid of shyness.
Can I Overcome Shyness While Also Being Introverted?
Yes, it’s possible to overcome your shyness as an introvert without having to pretend to be an extrovert. As the name of my business — The Introverted Misfit — suggests, I used to be an extremely shy and socially awkward introvert before I did the mental and emotional work to become a socially confident introvert.
What I’ve discovered in my own life as well as the lives of introverted misfits in this community is that shy introverts are often shy because of slightly different reasons than the reasons of more shy extroverts.
Shy introverts often:
Lack confidence in their introverted personality
Have been socially rejected by more extroverted people in the past, or by people who generally don’t appreciate a more introspective nature
Don’t know what their introverted qualities have to offer the world
If you’re a shy, socially awkward introvert, I hope you won’t leave my site without your FREE Quickstart to Becoming a Socially Confident Introvert; it’s your first step to becoming a less shy and socially awkward version of yourself!
What are some reasons you think you’re shy and socially awkward? Is it possible you’re just introverted and not shy, or shy and not introverted at all? Let me know by contacting me; I love hearing stories from you!
