21 Behaviors That Make You Seem Socially Awkward
Being socially awkward is no fun; it can be alienating, dehumanizing, and even depressing if it gets too bad. The good news is that social awkwardness in most cases is something we can greatly improve. It might not be an easy path for some, but it is doable.
As a former chronically socially awkward person myself, here are a few of the many behaviors that are making you seem awkward to people both in general and within the context of a conversation, and that might as well be a “STAY AWAY!” warning sign written on your forehead.
1. Standing on the Wall
Imagine you’re at an event like a summer BBQ at your best friends house or a networking event at your college; if you’re standing around by yourself for too long away from the action, it signals to others that you are uninterested in socializing, nervous, generally unhappy to be there, or — you guessed it — awkward. It might even come across as creepily lurking if you’re not careful with your facial expressions and your eye contact.
Typically, if you’re not currently involved in a conversation and would like to be, you want to stroll around a little, look friendly, and try to catch people’s eye to see if they show an interest in talking with you.
2. Too Little Eye Contact
Outside of a Conversation
Similarly to standing on the wall, if you’re at an event and you are awkwardly staring at the floor or a random object instead of looking at people’s faces (as a lot of awkward people tend to do), people are less likely to approach you for a conversation, because it looks like you’re trying to avoid interaction at all costs.
Try to glance at people in their eyes, show a pleasant facial expression, and look for signs that they would be open to talking to you.
Within a Conversation
If you consistently avoid eye contact while in a conversation with people, it portrays you as being off-kilter, nervous or out of sync with the other person(s), depending on how much you dart your eyes. I used to have a bad habit of staring directly at the floor while talking to people, and every time, they would look behind them to see what I was staring at only to find that I was weirdly staring at nothing; after that happens, the atmosphere of the conversation is interrupted.
It’s important to look people in the eye when you are interacting with them, including while you are listening to them speak and while you are talking, so they know you are fully engaged in the interaction.
3. Too Much Eye Contact
Outside of a Conversation
It’s ok to look people in the eye and smile to signal that you’re interested in talking with them, but if you’re caught staring intensely at them — particularly with no emotion or expression on your face — they will get creeped out.
So, don’t overdue it with the eye contact; if you’ve looked at them and smiled to show your interest in them and they don’t respond in a way that suggests they want to talk to you, it’s best to stop looking at them.
Within a Conversation
Believe it or not, it’s possible to have too much eye contact while talking to someone. In a neuroscience study done by researchers at Dartmouth, the findings showed that periodically breaking the synchrony of shared eye contact makes conversation more engaging and dynamic by allowing for creativity and individual exploration in a conversation. As researcher Sophie Wohltjen put it,
“An engaging conversation requires at times being on the same page and at times saying something new. Eye contact seems to be one way we create a shared space while also allowing space for new ideas…”
So the next time you catch yourself staring at someone for too long without breaking eye contact in a conversation, try to periodically break eye contact to show you are thinking about something they said, preparing to introduce a new idea to the discussion, or offering a new perspective about something.
4. Not Being Able to Read Social Cues
Social cues are how people communicate how they’re feeling nonverbally or in addition to verbal communication. We use social cues to notify people whether we’re comfortable or not with what they’re saying or doing, whether we’re interested or bored in the conversation, whether or not people are open to socializing, and more using a combination of facial expressions, body language, and words. Because of this, if you don’t understand social cues people can interpret your behavior as forceful and inconsiderate of their feelings.
It’s important to recognize what certain social cues mean in certain contexts, especially in response to things you say and do. Some basic ones to know are that an open posture with a happy demeanor suggest comfort and/or interest, while a closed-off posture with an unhappy demeanor suggest discomfort and/or lack of interest.
5. Nodding Along Even When You Don’t Understand Something
Mindlessly nodding along to everything someone says when you either didn’t hear them or didn’t understand them might seem like the nice or polite thing to do, but it can cause problems in conversation.
What usually happens is that the other person assumes you understand or heard what they said, and they will ask you what you think about it; at that point, you’ll have to humbly admit that you didn’t actually understand or hear what they were saying and they’ll end up wondering why you didn’t want to ask for clarification. Another thing that happens is that the other person will wait for your response, but because you didn’t actually hear what they said, you don’t say anything. Don’t be afraid of small conflict! If you didn’t understand them or didn’t hear them, just ask them to repeat it, even if it takes 3 times.
6. Disregarding Personal Space
Personal space is defined as the physical space immediately surrounding someone, into which any encroachment feels threatening to or uncomfortable for them. Here’s a helpful analogy: remember the last time you were parked in an empty parking lot eating a to-go meal or talking on the phone and another car decided to park right beside you as if all of the other parking spaces didn’t exist? That’s kind of what it feels like when personal space is being invaded.
It’s important to be aware of people’s personal space both outside of and within a conversational context, especially if you don’t know the person very well. In general, I’d say you should stay at least 4 feet away from people in order to not invade their personal space.
7. No Changes in Facial Expressions
Facial expressions are one way we can give people social cues about our feelings both within and outside of conversation, and when someone lacks facial expressions while interacting with a person, it’s almost like talking to a wall; it can be confusing or even frustrating to be expressing yourself and not get any feedback from the other party.
It’s important that you display contextually appropriate facial expressions while conversing so that the other person knows you are engaged and interested in the discussion.
8. Making Bad or Offensive Jokes
Making jokes that are in poor taste, offensive, or even just not funny, is a very common characteristic of a socially awkward person. Knowing when a joke would be taken the wrong way or would hurt someone’s feelings is an important skill to have.
Knowing whether or not a joke would be appropriate or not has to do with reading the room. For instance, if you are at a funeral, now is probably not the time to make a joke like, “Someone’s getting a good nap in, right?” but if you are in a class lecture and notice someone sleeping, that joke might be appropriate. If you happen to be someone who is naturally sarcastic or has dark humor, save those jokes for people who you know will be receptive of them, but don’t use those when socializing in new, professional, or more formal environments.
9. Not Reading the Room
Reading the room is a saying that means observing what kind of behavior is appropriate in the current atmosphere. This is really another way of saying you need to read people’s social cues and emotions in the current context, and make some inferences about what the current mood is so that you don’t display the wrong kind of emotion. For instance, if you walk into a hospital room and everyone is moping and in tears, and you walk in with a relatively happy demeanor trying to greet everyone with a big smile, that’s an example of inaccurately reading the room, and people will wonder what is wrong with you.
It’s important learn how to read the room so that you know what kind of behavior is appropriate and so that you can connect with people more affectively.
10. Talking Too Little
It’s called an “awkward silence” for a reason. When your conversing with someone new, there aren’t many things more demotivating, confusing, and sometimes slightly embarrassing than talking to someone who consistently responds back with short, uninterested responses like “Hmm…” or “Cool,” or worse, silence. There’s only so many of those that you can say before the person walks away feeling unsure of themselves, looking for someone else to talk to.
If needed, take the necessary steps to improve your conversational skills and learning the natural ebb and flow of interaction. You can start with my article The Complete Guide to Social Aptitude for Awkward People, which will teach you conversational skills, reading social cues, and gauging interest and comfort levels of the person whom with you are conversing.
11. Talking Too Much
If you’re talking too much, even if it’s unintentional, people will think you don’t care about what they have to say because it seems like you’re trying to dominate the conversation. This doesn’t mean there aren’t times in the conversation where you’re expected to talk longer but it’s all about the context. For instance, if you’re in a conference room meeting at work and the team leader asks you to explain your reasoning behind something, you can talk a little longer than normal, but if it’s more of a team meeting where people are expected to share ideas, you probably don’t want to assume that you should take up the most time talking.
I once heard a TEDx Talk from a man with Asperger’s — or as it’s now known as Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) — describe having a conversation as two or more people making a sandwich together; one person starts off with the bread, and then the other adds a little mayonnaise, then the other person will add some mustard, but say that person asks some more probing questions about something you said, and so you add some lettuce and the tomato this time, and on and on it goes until the sandwich is complete. So try to think of social interaction like making a sandwich with another person, where both of you are expected to participate minimally at first, and then based on what kind of probing questions either of you may ask, you can increase the length of your responses as necessary.
12. Fidgeting
Fidgeting with your hands or even rocking back and forth out of nervousness can make you seem awkward to others and it can throw off the flow of an interaction when others wonder why you can’t keep still. In my former (and current at times) awkward years, I had an awkward habit of switching my fork back and forth between my hands whenever someone was trying to talk to me at a meal; it got so bad to the point where the other person would confusingly look at what I was doing with my hands, and I’d have to put the fork down and put my hands in my lap so that I could focus on keeping my hands still.
So, try to keep the fidgeting to a minimum. Fidgeting is often a symptom of nervousness or anxiety, so if you think you may be struggling with social anxiety or maybe you’re just nervous about the current situation (like a job interview or a first date), try some calming techniques like deep breathing, and try to ignore the internal dialogue in your head that is telling you to be so anxious about the situation.
13. Using Lots of Filler Words
Constantly tripping over your words can make you seem nervous or awkward to others, because they can’t help but wonder why you are so antsy. This doesn’t mean using the occasional “um” or “ah” or “you know,” because everyone does that once in a while; however, if it starts to become a common pattern where you are using a lot of those filler words within a short time span to the point where you can’t even get a sentence out, it can become a problem in conversation.
Try to keep the filler words to a minimum by taking just a few more seconds to think about what you want to say before you start your sentence, but don’t freak out over one or two uses of a filler word.
14. Using a Monotone Voice
In conversation, we use our voices to express emotions much like facial expressions by varying the pitch, volume, and tone of our voices to match our emotions. If you’re one of those people who has a hard time keeping their monotone voice in check (like me), it suggests to others that you are uninterested, unengaged, or just don’t care about the interaction, which causes very awkward situations.
Try to vary the pitch, volume, and tone of your voice so that you seem fully engaged in the conversation. If someone shows excitement about something, raise your pitch and volume slightly, and portray a happy tone; if someone tells you something bad that happened in their lives, lower your volume and pitch slightly, and use a soft, caring tone.
15. Overexaggerating Emotions
Just as not showing enough emotions can suggest disinterest in a conversation, overexaggerating your emotions can make you seem fake, not in control of your emotions, and depending on the situation, it could call unwanted attention to your conversation. If you’ve ever been in conversation with someone who becomes more animated than normal when they’ve had one too much to drink, you know how weird it can be to interact with them and how much negative attention it draws to themselves; that’s how it comes across to others.
Try to maintain the appropriate level of emotion so that you appear more sincere to the person with whom you’re interacting.
16. Talking About Inappropriate Topics
My dad would always tell me that there’s a time and a place for everything, and talking about topics that are not fit for the current environment can create awkward, uncomfortable, and tense situations. Personal topics like someone’s appearance or political views, taboo topics, and other topics of the sort can all be taken the wrong way if the context is not right. For instance, if you’re meeting someone for a first date, it’s probably not the best time to give a negative opinion about the person’s appearance. My sister once told me a first date story where the other person didn’t like that she wore her hair curly and that he preferred straight hair instead; that is very bad move especially for a first date.
Try to keep the topic of discussion appropriate for the context you’re in. If you want to introduce a topic but are unsure about whether or not it’s appropriate, it’s always best to ease into it to see how they react, and then based on their reaction, go the opposite direction or proceed with the topic.
17. Lack of Backchannels
In linguistics, backchannels are the verbal and/or non-verbal responses one person gives another person in a conversation. Backchanneling done right makes it known to others that you are engaged and actively listening to the discussion. Some examples of backchanneling in English include such expressions as "sure", "OK", "uh-huh", "hmm", "right", and "I see," or you can do non-verbal cues like nodding, smiling, or raising your eyebrows. Neglecting to use backchannels can make you appear like you’re just blankly staring at someone without actually engaging.
Backchanneling can improve the quality of the discussion as long a you don’t overdue it. The next time you’re in a conversation with someone at a party or a networking event, try to use some verbal and non-verbal backchannels here and there to let the other person know you’re engaged in the interaction, and are following what they are saying.
18. Abrupt Changes in Facial Expressions
It’s good to vary your facial expressions to match the emotion of the conversation, but abruptly changing your facial expressions too much makes you seem awkward. For instance, if someone smiles widely and laughs at a joke you said, and then immediately goes to a stern facial expressions when the joke is over, it makes the other person feel uncomfortable and confused.
Make sure your changes in facial expressions are a little smoother and natural so that they are not so jarring to others.
19. Talking Too Bluntly About Sensitive Topics
People who are naturally blunt or sarcastic in situations that call for a more sensitive approach can cause uncomfortable and even confrontational situations. Have you ever heard the saying that you get more bees with honey than with vinegar? That saying applies here.
There may be certain relationships in your life where you can be more blunt or sarcastic about things and the other person won’t get offended. For instance, a parent-child relationship often calls for hard truths that would not go over well in more casual relationships. There have certainly been times in my life where my parents had to tell me some hard truths that helped me out a lot, but that kind of approach is not ideal to take with a complete stranger, because they don’t know you that intimately. Try to have some more empathy when telling people your honest opinions about things unless the moment calls for blunt expressions.
20. Mumbling and Speaking Inaudibly
Mumbling your words and speaking inaudibly puts others in an uncomfortable situation when interacting with you. What typically happens is the person will ask you to repeat what you said one or two times, but after the third time, it’s really awkward for them to keep asking you to speak up, so they’ll just smile awkwardly and walk away.
Speak clearly and with an appropriate volume for the situation at hand, and respond to the other person’s social cues; if they ask you to repeat yourself, take the hint and speak up.
21. Speaking Too Loudly for the Context of the Situation
If you are talking and laughing too loudly for the context of the social setting, you’re going to draw a lot of unwanted attention to yourself. You’ll probably notice people around you who are not involved in your conversation looking at you in a confused or disapproving way.
Speak at a volume that’s loud enough for the other person to hear what you said without straining, but not so loud that everyone in the room can hear what you’re talking about.
More Resources for Socially Awkward People
Have you unintentionally done any of these behaviors? Let me know; I’d love to hear your experience!
