How to Make Friends as a Shy, Anxious Introvert
Being shy and anxious is difficult enough, but being those two things in addition to being an introvert can come with another set of difficulties when it comes to making friends and connecting with people (even other introverts). The good news is that you are not destined to be a perpetually anxious introvert; you can become a confident introvert without having to fake being someone you’re not.
From my childhood years to my young adult years, I was what I call a shy, socially awkward introvert, which is a pretty mentally and emotionally taxing combination to have when you’re young and just want to find a core friend group; this combination was even worse in college and in the first few years of my corporate job, because people don’t look as kindly upon more reclusive-appearing adults as they do children. But with a few years of practice, mental and emotional work, I was able to overcome my social anxiety and social awkwardness to become the socially confident introvert I am today.
So, in this article, I want to share some tips that I think can help you become a more socially confident version of your introverted self in time.
1. Overcome Your Shyness & Anxiety
Contrary to popular belief, having an introverted personality doesn’t mean you’re destined to be shy and lack social skills.
According to Merriam-Webster, the term introvert was introduced in the early 1900s to describe personality types that focus a person’s energy on the inner world, as in one’s own feelings, emotions, and thoughts. They typically prefer to hang out in small, quieter groups rather than larger crowds of people in highly social environments.
Also according the Merriam-Webster, the term shy means timid, or easily frightened.
Based on these definitions, we can conclude that it’s possible to be introverted, which is a more static personality trait than being shy or socially anxious. The key thing to remember here is that we’re not trying to get rid of your introversion; that’s what makes you so unique. We’re trying to overcome your shyness and anxiety so that you can socialize like a confident introvert and make friends who understand and appreciate you.
Get to the Root Cause
The first step to overcoming shyness and social anxiety is to get to the root cause of your fear of socialization.
In general, being naturally shy is caused by a combination of genetics and environment as we know from studies comparing identical and non-identical twins. The results of the cited studies reveal that persistent genetic contributions account for the stability in shyness, and individual environmental factors such as how school peers responded to them earlier in the school years account for the differing levels of shyness in the individuals.
Because of this variance in individual environmental factors regarding shyness and social anxiety, it’s helpful for you to get to the bottom of your specific causes so that you can address and overcome them. Depending on how extreme your shyness and anxiety is, you might consider seeking professional mental help to find out the root cause or reading my article 3 Key Mindsets to Overcome Social Anxiety, but if it’s not such an extreme case for you, check out my article How to Overcome Being Shy as an Introvert.
Practical Tips to Calm Your Nerves
Here are a few calming behaviors to try if you’re feeling stressed and anxious about a social interaction:
Focus on making others feel comfortable with your presence instead of focusing on how others might be perceiving you.
Don’t make this bigger than it has to be; you’re just a person, and so are they. Unless they are just genuinely a mean person or you are severely socially awkward in a way that makes others uncomfortable (check out my article How to Cope With Being a Socially Awkward Introvert), they are probably not going to intentionally embarrass you.
If you’re fear of rejection is getting to you, remember that rejection is just a part of life and it happens to everyone, so you’re not the only one (check out my article How to Overcome Your Fears of Rejection as an Introvert).
Try deep breathing before you walk into the social event. This one may sound cliché, but according to multiple peer-reviewed studies, controlled breathwork may be temporarily effective for improving stress and mental health by with resulting increased comfort, relaxation, pleasantness, vigor and alertness, and reduced symptoms of arousal, anxiety, depression, anger, and confusion.
2. Put Yourself Out There to Meet People
As introverts, we have a tendency to seclude ourselves from overtly social and busy environments, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still put ourselves out there sometimes just to meet people and socialize some. The bottom line is that if you don’t get outside of your own head sometimes and go places where other people are, you’ll never meet people who will be compatible with your introverted personality. So, a much as I understand the preference towards and the benefits of being alone for introverts, you’ve got to put yourself out there at least a few times a month.
Stop Avoiding Every Interaction
If you’re anything like I used to be, I would quickly turn the other way or pretend to be intensely focusing on something else whenever I would see a Chatty Cathy coming my way. Take it from my personal experience: if this is a very common habit of yours, this is the wrong way to go about socializing.
Taking a few minutes out of your day to engage with someone does not mean that you are obligated to spend an hour talking with them; it’s just a short conversation that can boost your mood and allow you to start making connections that might eventually lead to some strong relationships.
It’s one thing to actively avoid an interaction every now again (which I still often do if I’m just not in the mood), but in general it’s not a good idea to make this an every day occurrence. If you need some more tips and tricks on engaging in unexpected conversations as an introverted person, check out my article How to Handle Unwanted Conversations as an Introvert.
Don’t Try to Fake Being an Extrovert
The good thing about socializing as an introvert is that you do not have to fake being an extrovert just to make friends. There are thousands of people out there with a similar personality type as yours who won’t require that you to act like someone you’re not.
If you try to fake having an extroverted personality, you’ll end up attracting people who are interested in the persona you’re portraying. This means you’ll have to keep up this fake persona for the duration of your friendship — otherwise, it will be really off-putting when your true self inevitably come out.
You’ll also probably find that your self-confidence will lower, because you’ll wonder if the people you’re around are really interested in your true self or if they are just attracted to what they think you are.
Just be yourself, and whoever appreciates your companionship will not force you to fake it.
Choose Introvert-Friendly Places
The key to meeting people as a shy introvert is to choose places with an environment well-suited to your quiet personality.
Here are some ideas:
If you like to read, try to find a local book club or some book-related events going on at your local library.
Try to attend an art class by yourself, like a pottery-making class or a beginner’s painting class.
Look up some upcoming events at your local recreational center.
If you’re religious, try going to a few Bible Studies a month.
If you happen to be going to an event that is not introvert-friendly and need some tips on how to socialize in those environments, you might enjoy my article How to Socialize in Group Settings as an Introvert.
3. Take Steps to Maintain Those Friendship(s)
The solitary nature of introverts can sometimes be misinterpreted as not wanting to be around your own friends, and that can lead to relationships that gradually fizzle off, even though you didn’t intend for that to happen.
This requires us to be a little more active than we naturally are to let others know that we still think about them and want to maintain a relationship with them.
Reach Out Once in a While
The old adage “To have a friend, you have to be a friend,” still rings true to this day. If you want people to be friend, you have to make it clear that you care about them so that they will want to return the sentiment.
It doesn’t have to be extravagant, especially in the age of phones and social media; send a text or reach out through their DMs on Facebook or Instagram every now and then to check on how they are doing in life, and then follow up with saying you’d love to meet in person sometime if possible, just to catch up.
Communicate With Your Friends
Good communication is an important aspect of any healthy relationship, so if there is a misunderstanding about something, it’s important that everyone involved can communicate in an effective way.
For instance, if one of your friends feels neglected because you’re avoiding their company a lot, you should tell them it’s not them and that you just prefer to do quieter activities that don’t require socializing with a lot of people.
Or, if your friend keeps inviting you to very social events continuously, it’s important to let them know that sometimes you just need some alone time to recharge your social battery. Then, you can offer to hang out with them one-on-one so that they don’t feel like you don’t want to be around them.
Compromise With Your More Extroverted Friends
Introvert-introvert friendships will probably not face as many issues when trying to find activities that you would both enjoy, but for introvert-extrovert relationships, there might be some conflict in deciding what activities to do together. As in every relationship, you’ll have to compromise at some point. The key is to have a healthy balance of compromise so that neither party feels neglected.
I’ve unintentionally ended a few great relationships in my life because one of my more introverted friends would reach out and try to include me in events and I would always turn down the offer because the gathering was in a loud, crowded environment that I knew wasn’t for me. But think about how that behavior might be interpreted by them; it can seem like you don’t want to be involved with anything they do, which is never a good feeling.
So, if you’re in a friendship with a much more extroverted person, make sure that both of you can compromise when needed. This means if they are having a birthday bash for their 30th birthday and invite you to come, it might be worth if for you to attend even though it’s outside of your comfort zone.
Are you struggling to make friends as a shy, anxious introvert? Let me know; I love hearing stories from fellow introverts!
